27/01/2018

THE RIGHT ATTITUDE

Before introducing Nërp to the family Wilson had a word with everyone, impressing on them the need for an 'accepting attitude' – just because their new housemate is a bit different and bigger than them, there was no need to treat him any differently to anyone else.

Then he explained how, if they ever saw Nërp hurting anyone, or trying to turn anyone into a teddy-bear, they should shout, 'Nërp – STOP! Remember the First Law of Robotics (as modified by Wilson to include soft toys)!' 


He made everyone repeat this aloud until they were all word-perfect...



26/01/2018

HOUSE TOUR

Following discussions with Peter the Robot, Wilson says he will no longer be known as Peter. 

Apparently, Peter, or more properly, Pyotr, when written in Russian, is approximately NËRP – so henceforth he will be known as Nërp. Nërp the Robot. 


I just hope I can remember that name if there's an emergency, and I need to shout, 'Nërp – stop killing Wilson right now!' or something along those lines...


Wilson is now giving Nërp a tour of the house – showing him where the TV is, where he can plug himself in to the wall sockets at meal times and so on – and generally encouraging him to make himself at home.


I asked Wilson why he needed another robot. He sighed in the manner of someone explaining something to a simpleton or a young child and told me it was for 'Mining V-Coins, obviously!'



24/01/2018

NEIL SPEAKS

This morning Wilson was standing in the garden waiting impatiently for his robot to reach Full Charge and passing the time by explaining to me that, because the concept of robots originated in Russia*, he has decided to give his robot a Russian name. That name will be: Pyotr, or Peter.

His name is a moot point for the time being, however, as while he is still on charge, nothing happens whatever you call him.


W was distracted from his explanation by a sudden disturbance back in the house where there were sounds of excitement and surprise – he ran inside to see what was going on.


Apropos of nothing, Neil the Sloth had just said "Happy". 


Neil rarely speaks, so this unexpected pronouncement took everyone by surprise!

No-one knows where this is going, so The Bees are taking turns to sit with him just in case there's more to come.


------------


*Actually it originated in Czechoslovakia, but I didn't want to interrupt.



23/01/2018

THE THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS

or, THE MODERN PROMETHEUS
 
The robot stirred, hesitantly rose to its feet and slowly turned to face Wilson; for a moment its screen flashed static, then displayed the Universal Sign for 'Feed Me!'


Wilson proffered a USB-Lightning plug which the android accepted in silence and proceeded to insert into a small slot in its head. W and I looked on with baited breath, and a growing sense of apprehension...


While we waited, Wilson explained that this Robot will be safer than the last one (the deactivated one in his museum – the one that tried to kill Antony) as he has in his possession a USB stick containing Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, which he intends to upload to the robot as soon as it's sufficiently charged.


I just hope that isn't too late – I'm guessing a crazed and vengeful robot could do quite a bit of damage even when only half-charged, but I held my tongue. 


After all, there's no point antagonising it...



21/01/2018

IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!

Although it was clear to me that I had been carrying the heavy end, I didn't find out what was actually inside the crate until Wilson had opened it.

While I was recovering my breath, W took a crowbar and levered off the lid... and I immediately understood his unwillingness to reveal its contents, for inside lay: a ROBOT.


This is not Wilson's first robot. Several years ago he built a robot to assemble teddy-bears to be donated to a Sloth Orphanage in Costa Rica; almost as soon as it was switched on, it ran amok, trying to make teddy-bears out of anything in its path – three cushions, a pair of my jeans, the carpet, the contents of the washing machine and a cabbage – before it finally tripped over the hole it had cut in the carpet, landed on top of little Antony... and tried to turn him into a teddy-bear!


With great presence of mind, Wilson punched the Emergency Shut-Down button, rendering the robot powerless, but it was touch-and-go for a moment, and since then it's been permanently decommissioned and stored in the 'Museum'.


I did not welcome the arrival of another robot, and I'm willing to bet Antony agrees with me...



20/01/2018

A HUGE CRATE ARRIVES

This morning I was awoken unconscionably early by sounds of shouting over the noise of a fork-lift truck maneuvering a  huge wooden packing case out of a delivery van.  

Wilson was 'supervising' the operation, attempting to get the fork-lift and the crate through the gate and into the back garden –  the gate was clearly narrower than the fork-lift, but W was 'pretty sure' it could be done with 'minimal damage' to the gate.


By the time I'd dressed and arrived on the scene, the fork-lift driver had convinced Wilson that this was 'Mission Impossible, mate! Just sign for it, will you?' and W had agreed that he and I would carry the crate through between us.


I refused point-blank to do this until I'd at least had some coffee, and Wilson grudgingly agreed... although he won't tell me what's in the crate. He says it would 'spoil the surprise!'


I think it's more likely I'd refuse to allow it on the premises – whatever it is – but time will tell...



19/01/2018

BLUE PLAQUE UPDATE

Wilson has brought out his Dymo Labelling Machine and re-visited the Blue Plaque on our house, adding 'Inventor of the V-Coin' to his growing list of achievements.

At the moment he's standing outside the front door drawing everyone's attention to the plaque, then trying (unsuccessfully so far) to sell them a V-Coin.


So far he has failed to convince:

• The Dustmen,
• An Amazon Delivery Driver,
• The Window Cleaner,
• The men who cut our neighbours' grass
• A (very rude) man selling Double Glazing and
• Two Jehova's Witnesses.
Actually, it looked as though the Jehova's Witnesses were beginning to weaken in the face of his relentless sales pitch, but at the last minute they left without making a purchase. I think W's trying to convert them to Pastafarianism might have caused some offence.

IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson is VERY excited to have so many New Friends in:

🇵🇱 Poland,
🇺🇦 Ukraine,
🇺🇸 USA,
🇩🇪 Germany,
🇦🇪 United Arab Emirates,
🇹🇷 Turkey,
🇧🇪 Belgium,
🇫🇷 France and
🇰🇷 South Korea!
WELCOME TO YOU ALL, and please tell your friends!


17/01/2018

SALES FORECAST

Sales of V-Coins have been... well, disappointing. 

Wilson's Projected Sales Figures suggested that by now he should have sold around 500 V-coins, but in fact total sales to date are in single figures. 


Actually, the singlest figure there is: ONE. I felt sorry for him, so I bought one of his coins – it's not much, but W is quite pleased with the crisp new £10 note. 


As for the Forecasting Faux Pas, he is blaming 'Computer Error' – I have always thought this was a euphemism for 'Operator Error', although I'm not an expert in these matters.


He told me that all I need to do now is put my framed photograph of a V-Coin somewhere safe, then sit back and wait for my V-Coin Holding to soar in value... and if it doesn't, I can always take my length of 'BlockChain' down to the Scrap Metal merchants on the Industrial Estate and convert it into hard, non-virtual cash.


He's putting a brave face on things – he says that it's still early days and he expects sales to pick up shortly.
__________________


Attention members of the WILSON VERMILINGUA APPRECIATION SOCIETY: I shall be asking you all an important question later, concerning the future of the Society. Please check the GROUP PAGE to see what this is all about!

 

15/01/2018

V-COIN LAUNCH

Yesterday Wilson returned from the Hardware Store with some immensely strong chain and a length of thick rope. 

He told me that they didn't have any BlockChain as such, but the assistant had recommended this steel chain as the next best thing, and he'd bought the rope just to be on the safe side – and because it smelled nice. He said he would be calling it BlockRope™®.


This morning he gathered everyone in the dining room for an pronouncement which would, he said, 'Totally banish Blue Monday'!


He handed out some Party Poppers and announced: 'I now declare the V-Coin well and truly launched!'


He nodded his head and (almost) everyone pulled their Party Popper strings and cheered. 


TT – startled by the sudden noise – burst into tears and had to be taken outside by Polly.


Wilson cleared his throat and appealed for quiet, then declared that he was making an ICO*, or Initial Coin Offering whereby he will make available 100,000 V-Coins for just £10 (US$13.72 or €11.24) each. 


Investors will receive:
• a framed image of a V-Coin
• a short length of BlockChain and 
• a piece of BlockRope™®
in exchange for which Wilson will (eventually) receive £1M...

*I don't really know what ICO means, but Google confirms it is a thing.

 

14/01/2018

BLOCKCHAIN FOR DUMMIES

Over breakfast, Wilson tried to convince me that Virtual Currencies are the way forward – apparently even failed photo giant KODAK is launching one, called the KodakCoin.

'In a year or two,' he said, 'you won't have old-fashioned, germ-ridden "real" money rubbing a hole in your pocket, or even easy-to-hack or -clone credit cards – you'll be using safe, clean and weightless E-Coins! My job is to ensure you're not using BitCoins or KodakCoins or some other inferior, fly-by-night upstart: you will be using V-Coins!'


He went on to (try to) explain to me how virtual currencies are protected against theft and fraud by something called the BlockChain – he was very earnest, and did sound as though he knew what he was talking about, but I'm afraid it all went way over my head.


(But please don't tell him this – I don't want him thinking I'm some kind of Luddite dummy.)


Anyway, he's just popped round to Green's DIY Hardware Store in the village to buy a length of BlockChain to secure his V-Coins in advance of his Official V-Coin Launch tomorrow...



13/01/2018

V-COIN PROTOTYPE

Wilson proudly produced two (cardboard) coins, saying, 'I present to you... the V-Coin!'

'Wow!' I exclaimed, for want of anything more intelligent to say.


'These,' he continued, 'are the prototype designs my V-Coins – although of course, the REAL V-Coins aren't  physical, they just live inside my computer.' 


Then he showed me a little slot in his (ie MY) computer where he inserts the V-Coins(!), and which I had previously, naïvely, believed to be a ventilation hole. 


If W has been posting coins into it, that would probably account for the funny noise the computer's been making lately...


Then he told me that, 'If anyone asks, the V in V-Coin stands for 'Virtual' but actually,' he paused to look over his shoulder and lowered his voice to a whisper, 'it stands for Vermilingua! Brilliant, eh?'



12/01/2018

BITCOIN EXPLAINED: HOW CRYPTOCURRENCIES CAN FLOURISH OR FAIL

Having been up most of the night doing 'research' online, Wilson called me into the kitchen so he could present his findings.

Referring to his flipchart, he began:

In March 2010 one Bitcoin was worth 0.2p ($0.003)
Just before last Xmas it was worth £12,580 ($17,000).
If I had bought just 98 Bitcoins in 2010, at a total cost of £0.22 (¢.030) I would be a £ millionaire by now...
'Is that really true?' I asked, shocked by his figures. 'Just ONE Bitcoin's value increased from less than a penny to... more than £12,000?'

I can give you the figures in Euros, if you prefer, he replied.


'To be fair,' he continued, 'there was a massive devaluation event just before Xmas, where it lost a third of its value in 24 hours... but that is irrelevant, because this isn't about Bitcoins...'


'It's not?' I asked, shocked by this sudden and unexpected change in direction.


'Bitcoins,' he continued, 'are History – the Big Money has already been made! I'm talking about something else entirely – something so new I've not even quite finished inventing it yet...'
____________


Members of the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society – make sure you take a look at the App Soc Facebook Page later today: there'll be a small but EXCLUSIVE Free Gift for you!



10/01/2018

THE DEVIL MAKES WORK FOR IDLE PAWS

Now that Wilson's brother, Byron, has gone back to the zoo, the house is very quiet.

Wilson is just wandering around listlessly and watching more daytime tv than I approve of, so today I packed him, Antony and TT into the car and took them all to the seaside for some kite-flying, fresh air and al fresco dining.


W seemed to enjoy himself, but I could tell he was a bit... distracted. As we drove home I discovered what he'd been musing about when he asked me, 'New Dad – what do you know about Bitcoins?'


My heart sank a little, but I told him what I knew – which wasn't much.


'Well,' I replied, 'Bitcoin is a "Virtual Currency". It's like imaginary money that only exists because a lot of people think it exists. You "earn" Bitcoins by solving difficult problems on a computer (it's called "Bitcoin Mining") and there can never be more than 21 million Bitcoins in existence – except they don't really exist anyway...' 


I went on to warn him not to get involved, as the prevailing wisdom is that Bitcoin could go bust at any moment.



08/01/2018

THE LAST SUPPER

I didn't want yesterday's incident at the car park to spoil Byron's last day with us, so I refunded all the dissatisfied visitors to Wilson's Motor Museum myself and let the boys keep their somewhat ill-gotten gains.

Then, following a large and elaborate dinner, cooked by W and described by him as The Last Supper (I picked all the ants out of mine, but I did it subtly, so as not to cause offence) he and Byron spent their final night sleeping in the washing machine.


This morning Byron was preparing to return to the zoo the way he had arrived – on the bus – but burdened as he was by his Xmas presents, gifts for his family, left-over food etc, I insisted on taking him in the car.


I must say, the house is going to seem very quiet without the sounds of him and Wilson shouting, laughing, wrestling and generally getting into mischief – I hope W doesn't feel too lonely without him here...



07/01/2018

UCKFIELD MOTOR MUSEUM

When the boys asked if they could open a Motor Museum, I thought that would just involve them arranging Wilson's toy cars in his 'Museum' and charging me to look at them. 

This morning, though, I had a telephone call from the police, asking me to come down to the Luxford Car Park in the village as there was a disturbance.


When I arrived i found Wilson sitting in a Booth selling Admission Tickets, while Byron was manning a barrier.


They were allowing cars to enter the car park without restriction, but attempting to charge pedestrians £5 to (as Wilson put it) 'view the constantly-changing exhibition of cars old and new'


Even owners trying to return to their own cars previously parked there were being charged unless they could show Wilson a RE-ADMIT stamp on the back of their hands to 'prove' they owned one of the 'exhibits'...



06/01/2018

A NEW EXHIBIT IN THE MUSEUM

Byron has been staying with us for several weeks now, and he's beginning to show signs of home-sickness – Wilson and I agree that the time is drawing near when he should return to his family at the Zoo.

Before he leaves, though, they've both asked whether they can do one last project together.


Do you remember last Bonfire Night when I took the boys to the Bentley Wildlife and Motor Museum, to pass the time until the fireworks were let off? They've asked whether, as a final adventure, they can start their own Motor Museum. 


I imagine this will involve them arranging all Wilson's toy cars – possibly including Uncle Z's Citroën van – in Wilson's 'Museum' (AKA garden shed) then charging me £5 to look at them. 


I can't see any harm in that, so I've told them to go for it!
______________


HELLO CANADA! 🇨🇦
I didn't mean to leave you out yesterday – it's just that I was unaware that Wilson had any new readers there!



05/01/2018

UNCLE ZOLTAN'S UNLIKELY ADVENTURES

Uncle Zoltan has gathered everyone in the living room where he is explaining his long absence.

He tells how he bought the Citroën toy van on eBay during a period of depression following his receipt of the rejection letter from Vogue UK magazine. 


It had apparently been a longstanding dream of his to re-introduce the 'Wasp Waist' in Haute Couture, and the post of Editor of Vogue would have put him in an ideal position to bring this dream to fruition. Sadly, though, it was not to be.


He then revealed that his World Tour had taken him to many far-flung and exotic foreign destinations, including Buxted and even Piltdown, where he plied his many trades for the grateful natives.


Byron and all the children were spellbound by Uncle Z's Traveller's Tales, but Wilson – himself no stranger to exaggeration in aid of a good story – just listened without comment, apparently absorbed in examining the photo of Byron and himself in their Star Wars Rebel Helmets, but occasionally raising one eyebrow or rolling his eyes in surprise at some particularly unlikely statement...
_____


Wilson would like to say Hi! 👏 to his new readers in Poland, Ukraine, Russia, Germany and France, and wish them all a Happy New Year!



03/01/2018

PHOTO ME

The Boys are just back from Tesco – they went to use the Photo-Me machine to take a picture of themselves wearing their Star Wars helmets.

Wilson didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year – he told me he hadn't used up last year's yet – but I have resolved to walk briskly for a mile every afternoon. By the end of the year I will have walked the equivalent of from here to The Lizard, or to Blackpool!


W kindly offered to keep me company, but he's far from brisk, constantly stopping to look at things, ask questions and have a sit down. Moreover, half-way round he announced that he was 'Totes exhausted' and couldn't walk another step. 


Carrying him for half a mile was certainly good exercise, but it was almost too much for me – tomorrow I shall go on my own.


Unless it's raining, in which case I won't go at all...





01/01/2018

BEES' BLOG

Happy New Year – we are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our GuestBlog!
 
There's no point pretending otherwise – 2018 is going to be a tough year for Bees, what with all the insecticides and weedkillers that are making us sick. 

So we're relying on YOU to help us create a world that's safe for our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, to grow up in.


We're sure that with YOUR HELP (and Uncle Zoltan's, of course) we can do it!
And remember, every time you buy a pot of Honey, or a bottle of Mead or Honey Whiskey, you are helping bees less fortunate than us.


Also, have you noticed our way cool coffee mug with a design of a Bee wearing a Gas Mask on it? You can buy a mug just like it  from: 

http://weaddup.com/products/gasmask-save-the-bees-11oz-mug 
– and right now there seems to be an extra 5% discount!

Wilson will be back on Wednesday with more of the same old nonsense he's always banging on about, and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!



31/12/2017

BOXING DAY

Boxing Day* was spent catching up on Xmas tv.

Batman – The Lego Movie was very well received, but things took a turn for the worse when we watched Jurassic World – Tiny Toy had to be escorted outside and given a mild sedative, and EVERYONE insisted on sleeping in my bed that night... including the sTone brothers, who hadn't even watched the film, but had picked up on the general atmosphere of terror!

But now that Xmas is pretty-much over, we're looking forward to the New Year and hoping that – as Billi puts it – it's a bit less crap than 2017!


Tomorrow being the first of the month, it's The Bees' turn to blog, so Wilson, Byron, the entire family and I would like to wish you a  

❤️ VERY HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR! ❤️ 

See you again on Wednesday...
_____


* Boxing Day is a holiday celebrated on the day after Christmas Day. It originated in the United Kingdom, and is celebrated in a number of countries that previously formed part of the British Empire. Is this stuff educational or what?!