Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Today we've brought our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, with us to our little allotment to help us improve the environment by planting some lovely seeds and tend our seedlings. It's great fun – you might enjoy it too, if you give it a try!
What with so many terrible things going on in the world, we thought we'd try to cheer you up today with some jokes! Here goes:
Q: What do you call a Bee that lives in America?
A: A USB
Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
A: A bee in a submarine.
Q: What do you do with a sick Wasp?
A: Take it to a Waspital.
We should point out that these jokes were supplied by Wilson's Tiny Toy. We don't understand any of them, so if they're rude, please accept our apologies.
However, TT assured us that they were 'Comedy Gold!'
Speaking of terrible things, and not wanting to bring you down after that comedic interlude, it is now four months since dear Uncle Zoltan disappeared. Please be on the lookout for him while you're out and about.
If you come across Uncle Z, DO NOT APPROACH HIM, but just call us on Wilson's New Dad's telephone number straight away!
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you all next month – until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD! 🐝🐝🐞🐞
Wilson popped out of the room for a moment, and I could hear him rummaging around in the tumble dryer.
When he returned, he had a small photograph in his paw, which he held up so everyone could see. We all squinted at it.
'On the last day of the holiday, I persuaded Dennis to come out sight-seeing with me, and we went to see the Lighthouse at the Needles,' he explained.
'Dennis didn't really want to come on the boat with me, but I convinced him he'd enjoy it, so eventually he agreed to come.'
'Is that how he always looks when he's enjoying himself?' Billi asked drily.
'No, he didn't really enjoy it at all.' Wilson replied. 'He was sea-sick over the side!'
Wilson passed the photo to me, explaining that it had been taken with Dennis' vintage camera, which is apparently his pride and joy. However, not only is a trip to the Chemist's involved before one can see the pictures, it's output seems to leave something to be desired...
After staying up well past his bedtime last night, Wilson has just finished the next instalment of your free 2017 calendar: JULY 2017.
The picture shows him being very brave on the Isle of Wight – not on the holiday with his friend Dennis (which by all accounts was a bit of a disaster) but when he went there with me a year or so ago.
The whole family had so many questions about Wilson's holiday with Dennis that he assembled everyone in the living room to tell them about it.
First he said that he just missed the IoW Festival – he should have taken his tent – so no, sadly he did not see Rod Stewart. Or The Undertones. Nor Barry Gibb. (Unsurprising, as Barry Gibb was at Glastonbury, not IoW!)
Polly asked whether he'd happened to see any sign of Uncle Zoltan on Wight Island, and W said he had not.
There followed a barrage of questions from his excited family.
W held up his paw for silence and admitted that he'd spent the entire holiday indoors with Dennis watching old VHS tapes of County Cricket Matches on a black-and-white tv, while drinking Earl Grey tea with no milk... but with plenty of tea-leaves floating around in the cup.
A shocked Antony asked, 'What – so you didn't go out at all? In the hottest week in living memory?'
'We went out just once,' W replied, adding, 'I've got a photo here somewhere...'
While Wilson was away I hired a Skip [Dumpster] so I could sort out some of my rubbish. It's on the front drive, so it's pretty difficult to miss. Wilson did not miss it.
As soon as the car had stopped he jumped out and dashed over, fished out an old amplifier to stand on and began rooting through the contents looking for 'exhibits' for his 'museum'.
I knew I should have had it collected before W returned – I know from past experience that everything except the used tea bags and coffee capsules will be retrieved, cleaned and exhibited in the 'Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot'.
'Why don't you come inside to say hello to everyone?' I asked, 'Have a nice chocolate milkshake and some cookies? The skip will still be there tomorrow.'
Reluctantly he climbed down and we went indoors...
On the drive home, Wilson explained that, contrary to the title of the article he'd been reading in New Scientist, Reality is not so much Real as surreal.
Grasping the existential nettle which I knew lay at the root of this discussion, I asked him, 'So, do you believe you're real or not?'
'Oh, I'm Real!' he replied, confidently.
I relaxed, hoping that another Crisis had been averted... but he continued, 'So long as I'm being observed, anyway – we mustn't forget that the Copenhagen Interpretation is still the Standard Model. You must look at me constantly to ensure I don't wink out of existence.'
I glanced across at him, but he shrieked, 'Watch the road, New Dad – I'm too young to die!'
Trying desperately to change the subject, I asked, 'So how was your holiday?'
Wilson held up a massive and ancient book entitled Modern Etiquette for Modern Anteaters, saying, 'Dennis gave me this. He said my manners were "not incapable of improvement" in some departments.'
My hackles rose a little at this, as I believe his manners to be impeccable (for an anteater) but I continued to ask about what he'd been up to.
He seemed uncharacteristically reticent in his answers...
