Wilson apologised that, due to 'insurmountable' copyright problems and the fact that the original was currently on long-term loan to the Tate Gallery (who 'churlishly' refused to part with it) the next exhibit was not an original but a replica of the famous work 'Oak Tree' by Michael Craig-Martin.
Comprising as it did a glass of water standing on a glass shelf, I had already mistaken it for a refreshments stop, but Wilson rushed to stop me reaching up to take a sip.
'You can't drink that, New Dad!' he exclaimed, 'not only is it a priceless and iconic work of art, it's not – as you may have understandably but erroneously supposed – a glass of water: it is in fact an oak tree!'
He drew my attention to the descriptive ticket, which confirmed the exhibit to be an oak tree, imaginatively entitled 'Oak Tree'!
Well, who'd have guessed…
Moving on we arrived at another display case – one which at least had the benefit of not being empty.
'This' Wilson explained proudly, 'is a work by up-and-coming Young British Artist Biro! He captured his breath in a balloon and it is exhibited exclusively here in the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery… although there will be replicas available in the Gift Shop… as soon as he's got his breath back.'
By now I was beginning to lose the capacity to be surprised.
Wilson proceeded with his explanation, saying, 'I know what you're thinking, New Dad!'
I seriously doubted that, but he continued, 'You're thinking: "Wait a minute, this has been done before by the famous artist Piero Manzoni and is currently in the collection of the Tate Gallery!" But sadly, the passage of time has reduced Manzoni's original to a sticky, fragile mess.'
That was actually not at all what I had been thinking; I had been remembering Manzoni's most famous/notorious work, 'Merda d' artista' – a piece consisting of a sealed tin can containing a sample of the artist's 💩poo💩. I do hope neither of the boys is considering recreating that work!
Although I recall that one example of 'Merda d' artista' did sell at Christie's recently for £103,250 ($133,021 €121,528) so perhaps I shouldn't rush to judgment…
Passing through the dimly-lit Foyer we moved into the first Gallery, in the centre of which stood an empty display case.
I told them the boys that it looked very nice and asked when they would put their first exhibit inside.
Wilson gave me a withering look and patiently explained that the exhibit was already inside.
I looked again and confirmed to my satisfaction that it was completely empty.
I said, 'Wilson, the display case is completely empty!'
'No it's not!' he replied, 'It contains a Conceptual work called "Miniature Zebra" by James Franco. It's on loan from The Praxis Gallery.'
I turned and stared again into the empty case, but Wilson directed my gaze to a small card affixed to the front, which read:
❝Praxis
Miniature Zebra
Adoption, 2011
A non-visible animal has been adopted. The owner picks their name, sex, and even their personality, with registration papers from MONA, which also has a record of all adoptions.
About 10 inches high, looks exactly like a real zebra, it is friendly and loves to sit in your lap. It loves non-visible toys as well as an endless supply of food and treats.
Guaranteed to be friendly and disease-free with all its shots and it lives for ever.❞
I straightened up and shook my head in disbelief.
'Her name's Bennet, by the way' Wilson added helpfully.
I hope I shall understand something before the tour is over…
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.
As though things weren't already bad enough for us bees, we've just learned something terrible about a popular and seemingly-innocuous product which you may even have in your store cupboard or pantry: ALMOND MILK.
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/jan/07/honeybees-deaths-almonds-hives-aoe
Friends of the Earth have worked out that
“Within just one human generation, the odds for bumblebee survival have dropped by an average of more than 30%”
So, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, think twice before you buy any Almond Milk… and don't forget this allegedly important announcement from Wilson's New Dad:
___________________________
INTERNATIONAL ANT DAY
Today was also International Ant Day, so Wilson and Byron took a day off from preparing the Gallery to observe the Traditional Rite of finding the First Ant of Spring.
Byron won, and was crowned Ant King of Uckfield!
Wilson took it quite well, considering that this is the first time he's lost since moving here (actually, this is the first time he's had any competition) saying, 'At least we kept it in the family!'
After a moment's reflection he added, 'Village Life has made me soft, New Dad – I've lost my Drive, my
Need To Win…'
