Before introducing Nërp to the family Wilson had a word with everyone, impressing on them the need for an 'accepting attitude' – just because their new housemate is a bit different and bigger than them, there was no need to treat him any differently to anyone else.
Then he explained how, if they ever saw Nërp hurting anyone, or trying to turn anyone into a teddy-bear, they should shout, 'Nërp – STOP! Remember the First Law of Robotics (as modified by Wilson to include soft toys)!'
He made everyone repeat this aloud until they were all word-perfect...
Following discussions with Peter the Robot, Wilson says he will no longer be known as Peter.
Apparently, Peter, or more properly, Pyotr, when written in Russian, is approximately NËRP – so henceforth he will be known as Nërp. Nërp the Robot.
I just hope I can remember that name if there's an emergency, and I need to shout, 'Nërp – stop killing Wilson right now!' or something along those lines...
Wilson is now giving Nërp a tour of the house – showing him where the TV is, where he can plug himself in to the wall sockets at meal times and so on – and generally encouraging him to make himself at home.
I asked Wilson why he needed another robot. He sighed in the manner of someone explaining something to a simpleton or a young child and told me it was for 'Mining V-Coins, obviously!'
This morning Wilson was standing in the garden waiting impatiently for his robot to reach Full Charge and passing the time by explaining to me that, because the concept of robots originated in Russia*, he has decided to give his robot a Russian name. That name will be: Pyotr, or Peter.
His name is a moot point for the time being, however, as while he is still on charge, nothing happens whatever you call him.
W was distracted from his explanation by a sudden disturbance back in the house where there were sounds of excitement and surprise – he ran inside to see what was going on.
Apropos of nothing, Neil the Sloth had just said "Happy".
Neil rarely speaks, so this unexpected pronouncement took everyone by surprise!
No-one knows where this is going, so The Bees are taking turns to sit with him just in case there's more to come.
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*Actually it originated in Czechoslovakia, but I didn't want to interrupt.
or, THE MODERN PROMETHEUS
The robot stirred, hesitantly rose to its feet and slowly turned to face Wilson; for a moment its screen flashed static, then displayed the Universal Sign for 'Feed Me!'
Wilson proffered a USB-Lightning plug which the android accepted in silence and proceeded to insert into a small slot in its head. W and I looked on with baited breath, and a growing sense of apprehension...
While we waited, Wilson explained that this Robot will be safer than the last one (the deactivated one in his museum – the one that tried to kill Antony) as he has in his possession a USB stick containing Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, which he intends to upload to the robot as soon as it's sufficiently charged.
I just hope that isn't too late – I'm guessing a crazed and vengeful robot could do quite a bit of damage even when only half-charged, but I held my tongue.
After all, there's no point antagonising it...
Although it was clear to me that I had been carrying the heavy end, I didn't find out what was actually inside the crate until Wilson had opened it.
While I was recovering my breath, W took a crowbar and levered off the lid... and I immediately understood his unwillingness to reveal its contents, for inside lay: a ROBOT.
This is not Wilson's first robot. Several years ago he built a robot to assemble teddy-bears to be donated to a Sloth Orphanage in Costa Rica; almost as soon as it was switched on, it ran amok, trying to make teddy-bears out of anything in its path – three cushions, a pair of my jeans, the carpet, the contents of the washing machine and a cabbage – before it finally tripped over the hole it had cut in the carpet, landed on top of little Antony... and tried to turn him into a teddy-bear!
With great presence of mind, Wilson punched the Emergency Shut-Down button, rendering the robot powerless, but it was touch-and-go for a moment, and since then it's been permanently decommissioned and stored in the 'Museum'.
I did not welcome the arrival of another robot, and I'm willing to bet Antony agrees with me...
