08/08/2020

MODEL DESERT

Everyone – even Uncle Zoltan! – is busy transforming the big pile of sand on the front drive into a big pile of sand in the back garden, where I imagine it will kill the grass.

Perhaps they're building a scale model of the Sahara or, appropriately for the scorching heat, Death Valley
 
The sTone Brothers, being immobile, are unable to contribute much, so they're pretending to be on holiday in the quarry/gravel pit in Wales where they spent all their childhood holidays – if it would only cloud over, get a lot colder and rain their happiness would be complete!
 
Wilson is remaining tight-lipped as to the purpose of the mini-desert, and even Byron, usually so amenable, is refusing to give me so much as a hint.
Nërp will sometimes accidentally let something slip, but on this occasion refuses to say anything unless I can give him the 'secret password' – which of course I don't know.
 
He insists that keeping secrets is part of his obligation under the umbrella of Asimov's Laws of Robotics.
 
Honestly, you'd never guess that this is my house – I'm treated more like a lodger… and chauffeur, of course.
New Readers Start Here Nº 12
PTERRY
• Pterry – a young pterodactyl – was born in Wilson's Museum, hatching from an egg which everyone had believed to be an exhibit.
• The first person he saw after hatching was Wilson so, assuming W was his mother he follows Wilson everywhere and calls him 'Mummy'. It's called 'Imprinting' and is common among birds.
• Pterry is too young to really do anything, but cries if he's left alone.
 

07/08/2020

SAND AND DELIVER!

I don't know why delivery drivers start work so early.

Whenever something big gets delivered it seems to arrive at daybreak, and today was no exception.
 
It was barely light when I was cruelly snatched from sleep by the sound of a truck engine revving and people shouting: things like 'Back a bit… a bit more… more… too much!'
 
I pulled on my jeans and rushed downstairs to find an enormous truck delivering a huge load of sand – dumping it all over all over the front drive – with Wilson, Byron and Nërp apparently supervising.
 
I demanded to know what was going on, but Wilson just said that everything was under control and there was nothing for me to worry about.
 
If only I could really believe that…
New Readers Start Here Nº 11
NEIL THE SLOTH
• Neil came to live with us at Xmas four years ago.
• He was a gift from Wilson's friend Dennis, a Giant Anteater who lives on the Isle of Wight.
• Neil used to live in the Zoo Gift Shop.
• He speaks s o o o s l o o o w l y that it took us two days even to learn his name – we still don't know much about him, but he seems happy here.
 

06/08/2020

ROBOTS AT WORK

Nërp and Jīqìrén are in the workshop with Wilson and Byron, building the beach hut.

All the plush toys have been instructed to remain outside as it's been deemed 'too dangerous' for them to enter.

There are many alarming noises coming from within – sounds of sawing, welding, grinding and occasionally cursing…

So much for the 'couple of cardboard boxes and some Sellotape' that I'd envisaged – this promises to be on an altogether more industrial scale.

I hope it won't need Planning Permission – although, with Dominic Cummings' new Planning Permission rules, it seems as though anyone can build anything anywhere they choose, and no-one can object, appeal or do anything about it…
New Readers Start Here Nº 10
DAVE THE PIG
• Dave's official title is Guard Piglet, having been selected by Wilson to guard his doomed Pick-Your-Own Tomato Farm against tomato rustlers.
• He was persuaded to wear wings and masquerade as a 'Tibetan Flying Pig' in Wilson's 'Wildlife Petting Farm and Anteater Experience'.
• Dave played a central role in Wilson's unsuccessful Pig Yoga enterprise but is not very good at Truffle Hunting.

05/08/2020

CHARITY AUCTION

The boys are holding a Charity Auction to raise money for what they are evasively describing as a Very Good Cause.

They are selling the original of Byron's 'Dead Pixel' piece – Byron is the auctioneer while Wilson is handling Telephone Bids and Nërp is in charge of Internet Bidding.

They're quite good at it, which makes me suspect they've all been watching way too much Dickinson's Real Deal, Bargain Hunt and Flog It! on daytime tv…

When pressed, they eventually admitted that the so-called 'charity' is, in fact, the Vermilingua Family Beach Hut Fund.

I pointed out that we already had many suitable cardboard boxes and offered to donate a roll of Sellotape, but Nërp explained that cardboard was unlikely to survive more than a couple of days of the English Summer before it turned into a puddle of papier mâché, so he was planning a 'more durable' construction method which, regrettably, would be 'slightly' more expensive than cardboard.

It looks like our Amazon Cardboard Box Mountain is here to stay… ☹️


New Readers Start Here Nº 09
MOLE THE MOLE
• Mole came to live with us shortly after Wilson first learned about moles and thought he'd like a pet one.
• He decided to return to the wild shortly before learning about Xmas, and changed his mind.
• Says that central heating and a mixed diet is far better than living underground in the damp on a diet of worms.
• He is called Mole because, living such a solitary life in the wild with no-one to talk to he had no need of a name, and was actually unfamiliar with the concept.

03/08/2020

BEACH HUT BRIEFING

Following my suggestion to Wilson yesterday, he has called a Family Meeting in the garden where he is explaining this fantastic idea he has had to build a beach hut in the garden so they can all pretend they're on holiday at the seaside.

'His' plan is being pretty well received, so perhaps I've done something good for once!

I just hope they keep it nice and simple – a couple of cardboard boxes (we have plenty to choose from, thanks to Amazon!) and maybe a bit of paint to jolly it up would be great!

When I was Wilson's age I had a lot of fun playing in cardboard boxes and pretending I was in a submarine or a space ship or something similar – although those were much simpler days…



While I think of it, there probably won't be any posts tomorrow but we'll be back on Wednesday all being well.
New Readers Start Here Nº 08
THE JOHNSON BROTHERS
• Johnson Major [R] and Johnson Minor [L] are the adopted children of Polly and Billi.
• They are in fact Ladybirds but are being brought up as bees, being schooled in Nectar Collection, Waggle Dancing etc.
• Neither of their parents will acknowledge that they are not actually bees. – I hope this doesn't lead to tears, and therapy in later life…


02/08/2020

BEACH HUT THERAPY

Ever since Wilson came to live with me we've always had several holidays each year.

Apart from anything else, they use up his energy and keep him out of trouble, but this year we can't have a proper holiday because of the Covid-19 Pandemic, and Wilson is really missing the opportunity to get away – he's moping around and looking a bit miserable most of the time.

Ever since we visited Southwold – home of the world's most expensive beach huts – a few years ago, W has had a bit of a yearning to own a beach hut, so this morning when I found him lounging about in the dining room looking a bit down I suggested that perhaps he could build a little beach hut of his own so he could pretend to be at the seaside – nothing too elaborate, perhaps just a couple of big cardboard boxes Sellotaped together.

I'm sure Nërp could help with the dangerous bits like cutting out the door…


New Readers Start Here Nº 07
JĪQÍREN
• Nërp’s niece, supposedly here on a Work Experience Placement with her uncle.
• Sullen and uncommunicative, she does not play well with others but does watch a lot of tv.
• Nërp promised us we’d 'love her' and she’d be 'useful around the house' but I’m sure he’d never met her before she arrived here.