Polly, having heard Wilson's cries of distress, came in to see what was the matter, and between us we tried to calm him before he went into full melt-down mode.
Upon reading the story again, it became clear that both men were hunters, and Polly suggested that maybe the anteater had felt threatened. 'Also,' she added, 'this was a GIANT anteater, not a cuddly Tamandua like you!'
'But my friend Dennis is a Giant Anteater!' W countered anxiously.
I asked Polly to take Wilson into the living room and sit with him, saying I'd bring him in a nice cup of coffee.
'That will make you feel better!' I assured him.
'Can I have marshmallow and extra ants with it?' he called.
While surfing the internet in search of Gourmet Ant Recipes, Wilson was shocked to come across a News Site headline: 'GIANT ANTEATER KILLS TWO HUNTERS IN BRAZIL.'
I think what distressed him most was that he'd mis-read the headline and thought it said 'Giant Anteater Kills Two Hundred in Bristol!' I pointed out his mistake, and he said, 'Well that's something, I suppose — I've got friends in Bristol!'
Still, this marks a pretty disappointing start to Furbruary — that was meant to raise anteater and sloth awareness. In a positive way, not like this.
Furbruary is back on, under its original name but with improved inclusiveness.
When I say 'original' name, I mean Furbruary, of course — Wilson decided (rightly, I think) that BeNiceToEveryonebruary was just too unwieldy and unmemorable.
However, ALL sentient beings are now included.
Except slugs and snails, because W finds them just too slimy and generally creepy.
Apart from that, though, ALL mammals, birds, fish, insects and anything else he's forgotten are included.
Later W confided to me, 'I'd like to know where everyone got those little protest banners from! I could have had a nice little earner there if I'd noticed the gap in the market...'
Wilson has been taken aback by the amount of opposition to his plan to cancel February!
Some of it was just personal (eg 'My birthday is in February!' and 'What about leap-year?' etc) but I think what swung W's decision was that the rotating Black Hole he'd need to use to edit Space-Time would very likely end life on Earth as we know it. He'd thought he'd need nothing more than a calendar and a Biro!
So, now that he's regained his composure, he's agreed to leave February in place and just re-name it BeNiceToEveryoneruary instead of Furbruary — while lamenting that it doesn't have the same catchy ring to it!
He's also emailed the Astronomer Royal to ask him to leave February as it is. For the time being, at least...
Wilson returned to the kitchen to make himself a quad espresso and discovered Diesel with a protest banner sticking out of his bowl.
'Et tu, Diesel?' he exclaimed, clapping his paw to his head.
Uncle Zoltan chose this moment to walk in carrying a placard claiming that Furbruary was unfair to bald insects.
'This has got totes out of hand! Furbruary is off!' Wilson shouted, and stormed out of the room. Before slamming the door, he added, 'In fact, February is off too! We shall move directly from January to March!'
I went after him to try to calm him down, but I found him sitting at his laptop banging at the keys.
'You're too late, New Dad,' he told me. 'I've had enough — I'm writing to the Astronomer Royal to inform him he'll have to modify the calendar for this year to exclude February!'
Wilson pondered long and hard on the vexed caterpillar/insect question.
It appears that even scientific opinion is divided on the matter, so he eventually concluded that furry caterpillars — even the poisonous ones — should be included in his Furbruary project.
Following W's meeting with The Bees yesterday, a spirit of dissent seems to be spreading throughout the household. When he went into the garden in search of Winter Ants, he came across a protest march in progress.
The sTone Brothers, fearing they will be excluded from Furbruary, are protesting that moss (which they have a-plenty) is a form of fur, thus qualifying them for inclusion!
Wilson then told me excitedly that he's he's even got someone handling Furbruary promotion in the USA!
I checked with him it wasn't someone called Trump, and he burst out laughing.
'What sort of mad person would be called Trump?' he asked. 'Is he some poor person who can't afford to change his name?'
He wandered off into the dining room, still laughing, where he was cornered by The Bees, who wanted to know whether insects will be included in Furbruary?
'We are undeniably furry,' they pointed out to him, adding, 'We hope you're not going to be Mammalist about this!'
Wilson assured them that ALL furry insects would be included.
Once The Bees had left, though, he started to worry about Hairy Caterpillars — not only are some of them poisonous, he also can't work out whether or not they are really insects or only potential insects...
