18/03/2019

RUSH RELEASE

Antony (Literary Editor) and TT (Publicist) gazed in amazement as Wilson showed us his new novel, Cold Comfort Ant Farm.

I was pretty amazed myself – this was Wilson's second novel in only three days.


'Wilson, this is your second novel in only three days,' I said, 'How do you write so fast?'


'Well, I print out the Study Notes and Tippex® over the names I'm changing!' he replied proudly. 


'Actually, Antony does the Tippex-ing part as the fumes make me a bit dizzy – then while he recovers, I write in the new names. Voila!'



17/03/2019

MOTHERS' DAY

Yesterday a letter arrived for Wilson, but what with launching his new novel, Lord Of The Ants, he'd been too busy to read it.

Today he took it to his library and tore open the envelope.


'It's from my Mum, Mrs Vermilingua,' he announced.


Mrs V rarely communicates directly with W, so I said, 'I hope it's not bad news!' 


He sighed and said, that rather depended on how you define bad news…'


'It says she's worried about me. Worried I've broken my paw so I can't pick up the phone to call her… blah blah… it's been so long since I visited her that I've got three new siblings… blah blah blah… would it kill you to… Mothers' Day in two weeks…  that's about it.'


I asked what the new children were called – he referred to the letter again and said, 'Hmm… the twins are called Klara and Kafka, and then there's little Laszlo. It seems my mother has reverted to her Alphabetical Naming Scheme – I assume one of the Keepers is helping her with that.'



16/03/2019

LORD OF THE ANTS

Wilson has just shown me the cover of his first novel.

He explained, 'They say you should write about what you know, which is why I started with Lord Of The Ants. Once that's become a Best Seller I'll do Cold Comfort Ant Farm – I'm quite an expert on ants, so I think I'll be able to bring my insights to bear on this dark tale – put my own stamp on it!'




15/03/2019

RECYCLING

Today Wilson revealed his latest Brilliant Idea to me.

'New Dad,' he began, 'Recycling is a Good Thing, isn't it?'


'Um… yes,' I replied uncertainly, wondering where this was leading – I haven't forgotten about his Recycled Flowers scheme…


'Taking old stuff and giving it a new lease of life?' he continued. 'Well, I'm taking Old Books and giving them a new lease of life!'


He went on to explain how he was reading summaries of famous novels on sparknotes.com, then re-writing them.


When I say 'rewriting' I mean copying them out almost word-for-word, but giving all the characters new names.


'I'm starting with "Lord Of The Ants" – it's all about a group of boys… um, well Ants, and they get stranded on a desert island. Two of the boys, er, Ants – Rafe and Piggly – find a sea shell on the beach, then they all go mad and kill Piggly. It's a brilliant story!'




13/03/2019

STUDY NOTES


STOP PRESS ANNOUNCEMENT:
Wilson has just achieved more than 8000 Twitter Followers!
Eight THOUSAND! Yay! I’m SO PROUD of him!


I assumed that he would want to celebrate with a party, but he told me there would be time for celebration later, and in the meantime he he had work to do on a New Project.


He wouldn't tell me the nature of this project, but I noticed that he has discovered 'Study Notes'.


I'd never heard of them, but apparently they're précis or plot summaries of classic novels that tell you everything you could possibly want to know about the original novel, but in just a few hundred words – basically, massive spoilers!


I can't imagine why anyone would want to miss out on the pleasure of savouring a good book, but Wilson says he has a plan.


Currently he's making notes about Lord Of The Flies, Animal Farm, The Road To Wigan Pier and Death In Venice.


I have no idea of his purpose, but I shall probably find out over the course of the next few days – when the bills or complaints start arriving…



11/03/2019

THE HANGING

As soon as we returned home with our (not very limited) Limited Edition print, Wilson wanted to hang it immediately.

I'm always a bit nervous when he's up a ladder with a hammer, and I offered to hang the picture for him.


He declined my offer, explaining that hanging a picture properly is a very complex procedure involving the Golden Mean, Irrational Numbers, pi and a spirit level – and he thought I simply lacked the aesthetic sensitivity to achieve it.


In the event, the hanging consisted of Wilson balancing precariously on top of the stepladder while Antony shouted out, 'Left a bit… up a bit… a bit more… yeah, that'll do!'


So it turns out that I have less 'aesthetic sensitivity' than a small kapok-filled toy anteater – but over the years I've come to know and accept my place in the domestic pecking order…



10/03/2019

ART GALLERY

In an attempt to keep him occupied and to improve his mind, I took Wilson into Brighton to visit an Art Gallery.

There was one exhibit that – perhaps unsurprisingly – he loved above all others.


He says that the quality of the ant is Picasso-esque in its rendering, it was philosophically very sound and, above all, it summed up perfectly how he felt most of the time.


As we left the Gallery (inevitably through the Gift Shop) Wilson noticed that Limited Edition Prints were for sale(!)


He explained enthusiastically how such a print would be not only the perfect focal point in our living room, it would also be a 'totes brilliant investment!'


Our copy of the Limited Edition Print, I later learned, was Nº 57832/200000…



09/03/2019

SIGNWRITING FOR FUN AND PROFIT

To pass the time while waiting for his brother Byron to arrive, Wilson has started work on a sign for his (as-yet unbuilt) New Museum.

He says that it's 'Vital and imperative' that the signage should be ready in good time, so that he can open his Museum the moment it's completed, thus enabling him to start taking admission money immediately. How else is he to achieve 'Youngest Self-Made Billionaire' status?


I hope 'Billionaire' was a slip of the tongue – he used to want to be only a Millionaire, and that was proving impossibly difficult; I fear increasing that by a factor of a thousand might doom him to eternal disappointment.


Ms Kylie Jenner certainly has a lot to answer for…


He's quite a messy painter, but somehow he never spills any paint on what he's working on – just himself and everything else. At least this time he's working in the garden, not the living room!


08/03/2019

YOUNGEST BILLIONAIRE

Yesterday Wilson stumbled across a news item: 

'Kylie Jenner named as the youngest billionaire in the world by Forbes magazine.'

It was difficult to determine which emotion was uppermost in his mind – disappointment or resentment.


'What has Kylie Jenner got that I haven't got?' he raged, 'Apart from $1Billion, obviously!'


I tried to comfort him by pointing out that Kylie was 21, so he still had several years of earning ahead of him.


'But she's a Kardashian – her entire family are millionaires!' he countered. ''Self-Made"? She probably just saved up her pocket money for a couple of weeks…' 


After reflecting on the unfairness of life for a moment, he asked me, 'Um, I don't suppose you're a secret millionaire, are you New Dad?'


#Kardashian #KylieJenner #youngestbillionaire



07/03/2019

WORLD BOOK DAY

Today is World Book Day!

Wilson loves a good book, so he's had me take this photo of him reading in his library, to show his support for this important event.


He says his favourite book is The Wilson Vermilingua Celebrity Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Diet Book, but it is sadly out of print.


Technically, it has never been in-print, due to possible legal problems…


What's YOUR favourite book?



06/03/2019

SNEAK PREVIEW

There's no Blog today, as such, but here is a Sneak Preview of tomorrow's date-specific blog.

Tomorrow is World Book Day, and Wilson has asked me to photograph him reading in his library to show his support for this important event.


You'll be able to see the final result tomorrow, after we've collected the picture from the photo lab in the village – assuming it comes out alright!


Wilson still hasn't located his Crown and Famous Anting Jam Jar – I've had to talk him out of phoning the Police to report them stolen…



04/03/2019

WORST ANT HUNT EVER

By the time Wilson conceded that he couldn't find either his Crown or his Famous Ant Jam Jar, darkness was beginning to fall.

He went to see The Bees to ask whether he could borrow their Honey Pot, then rooted around in his tumble dryer until he located a (rather faded and torn) purple tissue-paper crown from a Xmas Cracker, grabbed his UltraBrite Military Grade Torch [flashlight] and we trudged out into the garden.


'The ants are probably all asleep by now!' he complained, 'And to be quite fair, it probably doesn't help that there's no grass. Ants like grass…'


It was on the tip of my tongue to say that I like grass too, but this didn't seem like the right time.


After an hour or so of unsuccessful hunting, I took a small toy ant out of my pocket and flicked it into the torch beam.


'Ah! There's one!' Wilson exclaimed, running over to pick it up. 


As he examined it in the torchlight, he said, 'Oh, hang on – this ant doesn't look rea…'


He shrugged in a resigned sort of way, and declared philosophically, 'Well, never mind. Needs must, I suppose…'


Popping the 'ant' into his borrowed honey pot he picked up his paper crown without bothering to put it on, and we walked slowly back into the house.


Once he was seated with a mug of Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows and Extra Ants, Wilson told me, 'This was the Worst Ant Hunt EVER!'



03/03/2019

NATIONAL ANT DAY

Today – the first Sunday in March – as I'm sure you know, is National Ant Day.

Whereas the house would usually be at a fever pitch of excitement and anticipation (ANTicipation! 😜), today there is a sense of anxiety and angst – Wilson can't find his gold(-effect) Ant King Crown, nor his Famous Anting Jam Jar!


They were both prize exhibits in his little Museum, but since everything has been packed away for the re-build, he can't remember which box he put them in.


Everyone is extremely tense… fraught… dare I say, antsy! 😂



02/03/2019

OLD STUFF DAY

Wilson has just informed me that today, 2 March, is Old Stuff Day!

At first I didn't believe him, but he showed me this on his iPad:
https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/old-stuff-day/ 


He'd set his heart on re-opening his Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff And a Robot today, but reconstruction is on hold until his brother Byron comes to lend him a hand (paw) – and that won't be until Easter, still some seven weeks away…


So instead, he is mooching mournfully through his Museum Storage Facility (AKA the dining room) dreaming about the day his magnificent Repository of Rubbish will once again open it's doors to the paying public.


#OldStuffDay 







01/03/2019

BEES' BLOG

Hello, welcome, we are Polly🐝 and Billi 🐝The Bees and this is our Guest Blog!

Today is the first day of Meteorological Spring, which traditionally marks the start of the Bee Football Season!


Regard – this was once our green and pleasant football field, home of The Uckfield Bees football team, before Wilson's construction work transformed it into the desolate, muddy and barren wasteland you see today.


If you live in a desolate, muddy and barren wasteland, or you know someone who does – or if you'd just like to help bees – the good people at 38DEGREES have put together some packs of lovely Bee-friendly seeds to turn your muddy wasteland into a beautiful meadow!


Your kindness may prevent our dear children Johnson Major and Johnson Minor (and us!) starving to death, taking a Billion Human Jobs with us.


Also, here is a petition which we hope you might like to sign, asking the Government to make environmental standards stronger, not weaker, after Brexit.


Today is also 🐷World Pig Day🐷 – we love pigs because they're cute and adorable, and also more intelligent than dogs, so please spare a thought for 🐖Piggies🐖 today!


Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
___________


Meadow Flowers for Bees:
https://home.38degrees.org.uk/2018/03/10/seeds-for-bees/
Environmental Standards after Brexit:
https://speakout.38degrees.org.uk/campaigns/environmental-standards-stronger-not-weaker?bucket=email-blast-15_2_2019_brexit_enviro_bees_uslobbysitshook_40kflt_kick&utm_campaign=blast2019-02-16&utm_medium=email&utm_source=





27/02/2019

THE WASTELAND

It's been very warm here lately – whereas this time last year we were enduring heavy snowstorms, this year we've had some of the warmest days since records began. 

The temperature is over 20°C (68°F) here right now!


It's been so warm that The Bees want to re-form their football team, The Uckfield Bees, but are unable to mark out their pitch.


They're having quite a heated discussion with Wilson about the lack of grass due to his Museum re-build having reduced most of the garden to a muddy wasteland.


W feels a bit betrayed by his Site Manager, Antony, taking The Bees' side in the argument. 


Antony plays for The Uckfield Bees, and he'd quite like a kick-about with the other children while waiting for work on the Museum to resume…
____________


Incidentally, today is
Polar Bear Day!
Polar bears are cute but dangerous (a reputation Wilson is keen to cultivate for himself) but he's a bit scared of them – a gang of [animatronic] polar bears allegedly tried to mug him for his Xmas gift as he left Father Xmas' Magic Grotto.
This was many years ago, but the incident made a deep impression on young W!



25/02/2019

CHILDREN'S BOOK

I've just bought a children's book for Wilson, to give him some idea of what intellectual level to pitch his own book.

He settled down in his library to read it, then told me that he found it 'Interesting, but politically naïve, and with a lack of plot development.' 

He also suggested that the main character, while obviously cute and adorable, might benefit from a trip to his GP for a Memory Assessment. 


Wilson has also heard from Kevin McCloud declining his offer for his Museum to be featured on Channel 4's Grand Designs, for a very similar reason to that given by Keith Lemon – Grand Designs features only homes, not commercial premises.


At a rough guess, I'd say there is very little commercial about Wilson's Museum – money-pit would be an altogether more accurate description…




24/02/2019

OFF PISTE

Wilson has just shown me the next spread of his Learning Colours And Numbers book, and I'm afraid he's got a little bit carried away.

I thought yesterday's pages were just right – fun, simple and easily comprehensible – whereas today's spread is hugely complex, involving squares and formulae, and hinting at more Degree-level stuff to come – I wouldn't be surprised if he introduces Differential Equations and Calculus before he's finished…


Perhaps young anteaters can comprehend this kind of thing, but I fear he is greatly overestimating the intelligence and capacity of most human toddlers.


Tomorrow I shall pop into the Village and get him something to help him understand the level required when introducing basic concepts like Numbers and Colours to pre-school children…




23/02/2019

PAGE PROOFS

Wilson and his Literary Agent, Antony, have just proudly shown me proofs of the first two spreads of his Children's Educational Book, Learning Colours and Numbers with Wilson.

It's not bad, is it? I think he might (finally) be really on to something here!


By the way, Wilson has heard from Keith Lemon off ITV's Through The Keyhole.


Mr Lemon thanked Wilson for applying to be on Froot Key'ole, but said that although he thinks Anteaters are Bang Tidy, Key'ole only visits 'ouses, not museumseses.


Also, he said he was afraid Wilson was not quite famous enough for anyone to guess who he was, but to get back to him if he gets a lot famouserer.
_______


Remember, you will get extra posts and (very occasional) free gifts if you join The Wonderful World of Wilson Facebook Group – it's free and it's (allegedly) fun:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/



22/02/2019

BIT OF A DELAY

Wilson was very pleased when his Mum, Mrs V, finally passed the phone over to his brother Byron.

She'd given him quite a guilt trip about the infrequency of his telephone calls and visits, and took so long doing it that Wilson missed most of yesterday's Jeremy Kyle Show – which I personally consider to be no bad thing!


Anyway, Byron apparently has a very busy schedule of birthday parties, baby showers, murder mystery parties, karaoke parties, pizza parties, play-dates, sleepovers etc at the zoo, but could apparently spare some time over Easter… so I guess there'll be another couple of months with the garden looking like a muddy bog.


Wilson complained that when he was still living at the zoo life certainly wasn't one long round of parties – he speculated that Byron was probably more popular than him, so naturally got invited out more.


Much more…


So to pass the time (and distract himself from this unpalatable fact) W has started working on another of his projects – Educational Books For Children


He says that this is an underexploited market, and parents will spend enormous amounts of cash to encourage what he calls intelligentness in their children…