20/10/2019

WELCOME JĪQÌRÉN

Before introducing Jīqìrén to the rest of the family, Nërp took her indoors with Wilson, Byron and me to explain that for a little while this would be her new home and we would be her new family. 

For some reason, Nërp coughed as he said 'little while' – he doesn't usually exhibit any vocal tics whatsoever, but I expect he had a fragment of packing material caught in his voice synthesiser.


He went on to tell us how helpful and beneficial Jīqìrén would be around the house, performing housework and small chores without complaint.
Nërp coughed again as he said 'helpful' – perhaps I should get him some cough medicine – or WD40?


Addressing the tiny android in an attempt to draw her into conversation, I said, 'Jīqìrén is a beautiful name – does it mean anything?'


Nërp answered for her, saying, 'Yes, it's a very pretty name, both charming and delightful. It's Chinese for Robot.'


Jīqìrén said nothing, but emitted a faint whirring sound as she raised her arm and inserted her thumb into her mouth.


'Don't suck your thumb, Jīqìrén dear,' Nërp admonished her, 'If you short-circuit you could start a nasty fire!'



18/10/2019

AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR

By the time Wilson and Byron returned from the village, weighed down with supplies for their Sockorations™® venture,  Nërp had opened the crate – only to reveal another crate nestling inside. Whatever the eventual contents, it is very well packed!

The boys crowded round, watching Nërp remove the inner box. 


Finally he lifted the lid to reveal… a robot sitting inside – much smaller than Nërp – grasping what appeared to be a tiny plush toy robot.


'Allow me to introduce my niece,' Nerp announced 'Her name is Jīqìrén.'


'Jī-qì-rén' we all repeated slowly, trying to get our tongues round the unfamiliar but exotically alluring name…



16/10/2019

SPECIAL DELIVERY

Wilson and Byron popped into the village early this morning to buy plastic baggies and glittery paper shapes for their Sockorations™® project.

Having spent quite a long time this morning sticking little paper decorations onto my socks, I privately think that Sockorations™® is a doomed concept, but at least it is far less expensive than some of Wilson's previous brainwaves and get-rich-quick schemes.


Anyway, while the boys were out a flat-back truck arrived bearing a large wooden crate – Wilson is constantly receiving mysterious shipments like this, so I went out to speak to the driver. 


Unusually – uniquely, even – the delivery was for Nërp, so I called into the house to let him know a large package had arrived for him.


He hurried outside to sign for it and supervise the unloading – showing every sign of having been expecting this colossal consignment…



14/10/2019

THE EMPEROR'S NEW SOCKS

Not wishing to embarrass Wilson with my tawdry dress sense, as soon as I woke this morning I selected two non-matching ODDSIES! and tore open my packet of 'Sockorations'.

They immediately spilled all over the floor, but once I had retrieved them I proceeded to apply a few to my socks and went downstairs to breakfast.


Wilson met me at the foot of the stairs, glanced at my feet and said, 'Looking good, New Dad, looking good!'


Examining me more closely, he asked, 'So how many Sockorations Stickers did you use?'


'Oh, around eight I suppose,' I replied, 'four per sock.'


Wilson frowned and turned to Byron, saying, 'He only used about eight – between both feet. At that rate a packet will last for months!'


'Perhaps we could add a Suggested Minimum Quantity to the instructions?' Byron said.


'We could do that,' Wilson agreed, 'Or we could drastically reduce the number of stickers in each packet.'


They both nodded in unison – a marketing decision had been made.


'Shall I let Marketing manager Antony know that we're reducing the Pack Count?' Byron inquired.


'If you'd be so kind!' W replied…

12/10/2019

THE TRUE COST OF FASHION

My Hoxton Hipster credentials are now fully restored!

Wilson's plan was less expensive than I feared, costing me a mere £5 for a pack of 'Sockorations' – his new invention which will, he says, revolutionise the fashion industry and make him a millionaire.


'But I'm already wearing "ODDSIES!" non-matching socks!' I protested.


'I fear you need more than that to prevent you sinking into Sartorial Mediocrity,' he replied.


'Sockorations' appear to be self-adhesive paper shapes that I am expected to stick onto my socks each morning in order to 'Zizz Up' my game. 


In the picture, the stick-on shapes are just self-adhesive paper, but the finished product will feature Glittery Shapes – I'm concerned that in use the glitter might rub off the shapes, fall into my shoes and cause some irritation. 


I mentioned this to W and he told me that all great fashion is uncomfortable, but that in no time all the Trendy Hipsters will be sporting 'Sockorations' on their socks, so I suppose I'll just have to put up with the discomfort…



10/10/2019

HIPSTER SHORTFALL

Just before we went out to the shops this morning, Wilson regarded me thoughtfully, frowning and stroking his chin.

'Is something wrong?' I asked, 'is my sweater on backwards or something?'
Wilson sighed, and replied, 'Nothing so obvious, New Dad –  it's just that your Hipster Credentials are, well, slipping grievously.'


'What are you talking about?' I demanded, glancing in the hall mirror, 'I look, well… okay, don't I? Has my attire not achieved its usual level of adequacy?'


'To be frank, you're looking a lot less Hoxton than you used to, but don't worry – I've had an idea to restore you to your previous levels of Hip Spiff!' he replied.


Oh, well that's alright then – I am not entirely beyond redemption!


I wonder how much it's going to cost me...



07/10/2019

DARUMA DOLL

While Wilson was at the zoo visiting his family, he met a very nice Japanese keeper, who told him about Daruma Dolls

She said that when she was a little girl in Tokyo she dreamed of looking after animals when she grew up, so she bought a Daruma Doll, made a wish and coloured in the doll's first eye.


Now that she is working in a zoo in Sussex she has coloured in the other eye, because her dream has come true!


Wilson was greatly touched by this innocent tale, and now that he's home, with access to his Art Materials, he has designed a Hi Wilson!®™ Daruma Doll for you!


What this girl apparently didn't mention to Wilson was the Daruma Doll's dark history, involving amputation and childhood smallpox. 


I probably won't mention that to him either…



04/10/2019

LEONARD AND MARIANNE – WORDS OF LOVE

A couple of nights ago Wilson, Byron and I sat together to watch Doc Martin.

It was, as always, slight but entertaining, though I did notice Wilson sniffing every time Caroline Katz appeared…


As requested, I recorded the Leonard Cohen documentary Leonard and Marianne: words of love for Wilson.


I actually watched it live before he returned home – and I must say it was not at all what I had expected, nor hoped for.


Unless W specifically asks about it, I'm not going to mention it, and just hope he forgets all about it…

01/10/2019

BEES' BLOG

Hello and welcome to October!

We are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.


You can't imagine how happy we are that Wilson is home again! 


While he was away at the zoo we got quite worried about his New Dad – he just sat around worrying about Brexit and not eating properly – but now that Wilson is safely back home again he's already looking a bit happier.


Wilson's brother Byron has also come to stay, which is good because he helps W to remember he's an anteater and not Alan Sugar or Richard Branson!


So, we've been The Bees, and you've been Great!


We'll see you again next month – until then BEEEEEEE GOOD




30/09/2019

HOME SWEET HOME

I've only just arrived home from collecting Wilson from  the zoo.

The visit took a bit longer than I'd expected, what with Wilson's Mum inviting me in for a cup of tea with gin, introducing me to all the new cubs* which have been born since my last visit, flirting outrageously with several of Wilson's stepfathers, passing out dead drunk for what Wilson described as her 'afternoon nap', and so on that it was late afternoon before I made my excuses and left.


I was only mildly surprised when Wilson went to collect his suitcase and returned accompanied by Byron carrying his suitcase too…


Tomorrow being the first of October, it will be The Bees turn to Blog – don't forget to check it out!
______


*Mrs V has such a great profusion of children, I sometimes wonder whether she might not be in some kind of Zoo Breeding Programme? I don't like to mention this to Wilson, but it's no wonder his mum has trouble remembering the kids' names!

29/09/2019

FREE CALENDAR PART FOUR

Following my phone call from Wilson yesterday, allow me to present as promised the fourth and final part of his free 2019 Calendar part-work: October, November and December, which of course includes those dates most important in a young anteater's life: Halloween, Fireworks Night and Xmas.

Also, Brexit Day, but the less said about that the better – I just can't bear to even think about it…


On a brighter note, though, I shall be collecting Wilson from the zoo tomorrow!
______________


For personal reasons, in future fewer of Wilson's Adventures will be accompanied by photographs – I'm really sorry about this, and hope you can accept my apologies.



28/09/2019

WILSON BREAKS HIS SILENCE

I've just received a telephone call from Wilson!

He said he was calling to remind me to post the new page of his free 2019 Calendar part-work, which I agreed to do, but I sensed he had something else on his mind.


Eventually he said that the new series of Doc Martin had started, and although he had seen the first episode, how could he be expected to watch his erstwhile fiancée and current love of his life Caroline Katz on a 12" black and white television?


Also, there is a Leonard Cohen documentary on BBC2 tonight, Marianne and Leonard: Words of Love which (since his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua's TV can only receive BBC1 and ITV) he asked if I would record for him.


Finally, he asked whether I could pick him up from the Zoo so he could come home and watch the Leonard Cohen programme with me…



18/09/2019

POSTCARD FROM THE ZOO

I've just received a postcard from Wilson at the Zoo!

He didn't say very much – really it was just a reminder that tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day.


He and his brother Byron are busy promoting TLAP Day but apparently none of the other animals have ever heard of Talking Like A Pirate, so he's doing a lot of explaining – actually even the idea of 'talking' is quite new to some of the more primitive species...


On top of which, it seems that very few of the other animals have any idea what a Pirate is, which is making W's task all the more difficult.


There was no mention of how he's getting on, nor when he's thinking of coming home… :o(



03/09/2019

BACK TO THE ZOO

I've just returned from taking Byron back to the Zoo (because he's missing his Mum, Mrs V) and Wilson has gone with him so he can reconnect with his family and re-visit some of his old friends there.

Because some of the other animals persistently start up Internet Scams (yes, Warthogs – I do mean you!) there is no Free Wi-Fi at the zoo, so Wilson won't be able to contact me in the 21st Century manner to which he's accustomed (unless he can borrow an iPhone off one of the Keepers) but he's promised to keep in touch via Post Cards, and in case of emergency there's always Mrs V's land line – although Mrs V doesn't like him using that.


I've only been back about an hour, but already the house seems very quiet.


Very empty. 


I really don't like this – I'm missing the little guy and his brother already…



02/09/2019

THE GIRL IN THE SPIDER'S WEB

This being the last night Byron will be here with us, we all stayed up late to watch The Girl In The Spider's Web together.

After my experiences with Wilson in the past watching Lisbeth Salander movies I did have some reservations, but both boys begged me, so I agreed.


It was a tiny bit racy, and I did notice Byron blushing a little a couple of times, but apart from a bit of below-par GreenScreen work at the beginning, it was excellent – impossible situations were escaped from in the nick of time, plenty of action, plenty of peril – everything a film needs to appeal to young anteaters!


Salander in this film was played by gamin beauty Claire Foy, and I sensed that W was – once again – a little bit smitten.


In fact, while the End Credits were rolling, W remarked, 'Lisbeth looked well dench!'


This is the first time I've seen him show any real enthusiasm about a girl (apart from a brief but entirely understandable infatuation with Cara Delevigne) since his cancelled wedding to Cinthya Nazereth – the 'Loveliest Sloth in the World'…


I just hope I'm not about to be inundated with requests for a Tattoo, a Motorbike or – especially – a Lamborghini Aventador LP…

 

01/09/2019

A FORMAL INTRODUCTION

Hello, we are The Bees and this is our Guest Blog!

We would like to welcome you to the First Day of Meteorological Autumn [Fall] – and to our new Friend, Newbie!


Newbie (her name is actually Jennifer, but because of a misunderstanding Wilson has given her the name 'Newbie' and she doesn't like to make a fuss – but we'll call her Jennifer) who we rescued from under a Death Sentence imposed on her by DEFRA which, for some unaccountable reason thought she was a Turkish Immigrant bee with a deadly disease.


Jennifer has come to live with us now, and is settling in very well. The Respirator will only have to remain in place for a little bit longer, and underneath it she's VERY pretty – just like us!


Our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, love her… but they keep asking why Jennifer looks like us… but not like them.


I suppose we're going to have to have a Very Difficult Conversation with them some time soon.


Wilson is adopted, so we might have a chat with him, just to get his advice.


Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you again next month. 


Until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD!  



31/08/2019

NO-SHOW

'How did the presentation go?' I hear you ask.

'When will we see Wilson's logo on tv? And why was there no Blog yesterday?'


Taking the last question first, there was no Blog because we were all waiting for the ITV Executives to arrive to see Wilson's new ITV Logo… but they didn't. 


The truth eventually emerged – as I suspected, everyone thought someone else had called and arranged the meeting, but in fact nobody had, and the ITV Logo Committee was blissfully unaware of the presentation.


Perhaps this was for the best, because the longer we waited the more nervous Wilson became, and the more he calmed his nerves by consuming the snacks intended for the Logo Committee – including all the Ant Gin! He ended the day passed out in the arm chair, and had to be carried to bed by Byron and Nërp.


As soon as everyone was awake this morning, I took this photograph which Wilson is going to mail to ITV by Recorded Delivery, so all may yet be well!



28/08/2019

A JOB WELL DONE

Byron, Nërp and Wilson have carried their completed logo into the library, where they are admiring their work.

Nërp says that as long as the ITV Executives turn up to their meeting on Friday, getting the logo on tv is a 'Dead Cert'.


Wilson's plan is to ply the visitors with drinks, as he's heard that 'Everyone in the Media Biz' will 'Do Anything' for free booze, and he's pretty sure a copious supply of Ant Gin will do the trick.


My own, admittedly limited, experience does bear this assertion out, but I fear W may have overestimated the deliciousness and persuasive power of Ant Gin, which is a bit of an acquired taste.


What is much less certain is whether the ITV Executives will come to Friday's meeting – or if they are even aware of it, since as far as I can tell, everyone thinks it has been arranged, but nobody knows by whom, and certainly none of the prospective visitors has RSVP'd…



27/08/2019

WORKING IN THE GARDEN

When Wilson is 'working in the garden' it usually means numerous expensive trips to the Garden Centre, but this time it's different: he, Byron and Nërp are all hard at work spray-painting their 3D ITV Logo – and themselves, obviously. 

I'm just glad the younger children are still out of harm's way indoors, as car enamel is notoriously difficult to remove from plush!


Nërp estimates that the work will be completed by Wednesday, and they plan to make their presentation to ITV on Friday, once the paint is fully dry, as apparently nothing is more likely to annoy a TV Executive than getting paint on his pinstripe.


Whether or not ITV is aware of this presentation remains unclear…



26/08/2019

WORK BEGINS ON THE ITV STATION IDENT

Work has already begun on the construction of the ITV Logo!

I'm relieved to note that the work is being carried out in Wilson's Library rather than the living room, but I really hope they take everything outside before they start using that spray paint!


For their own safety, I'm keeping the younger children away from the Construction Zone – at least until all the sawing is completed – I can't bear the sight of spilled kapok!


During a tea break, Byron approached me – he said how much he was enjoying his stay here with Wilson and his little family, but that he was beginning to miss his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua.


I offered to take him home straight away, but he said he was much too involved in building the ITV Logo at the moment, but he would like to go back to his own family at the zoo once it was finished…