KIDNAPPED!

BUGGER BOURNEMOUTH

As I was passing Wilson’s tumble dryer this morning, he leaned out and asked me, ‘This holiday – where were you thinking of going?’

‘Weymouth!’ I replied, ‘It’s really lovely there, with loads of interesting things to do and places to visit.’

‘So, where exactly is Weymouth – is it abroad?’ he enquired.

‘No,’ I continued, ‘It’s in Dorset, quite near to Bournemouth.’

W’s head withdrew, and I heard his muffled voice say, ‘Forget it, then. I’ve already been to Bournemouth. Many times. I’m bored of it. In the immortal Last Words of King George V, “Bugger Bournemouth!”’

‘Actually,’ I replied, ‘he said “Bugger Bognor” – and don’t use that word!’

THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST

I don’t know what Wilson and Nërp discussed – neither of them is willing to discuss it – although the following day, Wilson did seem a tad brighter.

Today, though, he appears to have relapsed a little. 

I came across him sitting in the living room with the curtains drawn, quietly singing The First Cut Is The Deepest to himself…

I asked him if he was okay. ‘Yes,’ he sighed, ‘I’m fine…’

But it was obvious he was not fine –  he was clearly some distance from fine. 

I decided to play my Trump Card – the thing that never fails to cheer W up!

‘Do you feel like a holiday?’ I asked.

He fidgeted in his seat for a moment, and replied, ‘Okay. If you like.’

This was not the response I had been expecting.

Or hoping for…

ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN

Last night Nërp took Wilson aside for a private chat.

They shut themselves in the dining room, and were still at it well into the night.

Nërp had previously consulted me about whether it would be appropriate for him to offer Wilson any Relationship Advice in an effort to cheer him up about his lost love, Cinthya Nazereth.

I had some reservations about what a robot, however well-intentioned, would know about relationships – human, anteater or other – but I told him to go for it.

After all, W’s spirits are still pretty low, and I doubt anything Nërp might say could make him feel much worse…

PROOF OF GOD’S EXISTENCE

When compared with CS Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters Wilson’s correspondence with the Flying Spaghetti Monster may not be Great Literature, but it’s still pretty unique – not many people have in their possession a signed letter from a Deity!

Accordingly, Wilson’s first instinct was to put it on eBay.

Having slept on it, though, he has decided to frame both letters, as they will become ‘A unique and priceless heirloom!’ in years to come.