18/07/2015

Resurrection

Wilson carefully withdrew a can of spray paint from under the sofa. 

'VoilĂ !' he announced proudly.

'Ah, I understand!' I said, struggling to keep a note of incredulity from my voice, 'You're going to re-paint dead flowers in their original colours, then sell them. Does that even work?'

'Not just their original colours but also entirely new colours too — blue daffodils, silver bluebells, some new colours I haven't even invented yet!' he said, excitedly. 'I shall be doing my first test-run later today. Just in case the first ones aren't quite perfect, I shall give them to you, New Dad! But wait — that's not all…'

He rummaged under the sofa again and produced a small green bottle of BRUT aftershave. 

'They will smell like new flowers too!'


17/07/2015

Pre-Loved Flowers

Once we'd got home I pressed Wilson about what was going on, and he reluctantly agreed to explain. 

His research (hanging around in the foyer at Tesco) had apparently revealed that 17% of shoppers (mostly women, but he didn't have the precise figures to hand. To paw) bought a bunch of flowers.

'They take them home, look at them for a week then throw them away!' he said.

'Yes, because they're dead,' I replied.

'Ah! That is where I come in, with the Wilson Vermilingua OBE on-line Pre-Loved Flower Boutique!'

'You're going to try to sell dead flowers to people?' I asked, incredulously. 'For actual money?'

He raised one claw and touched the side of his nose knowingly.

'Not until I have subjected them to my Top Secret Refurbishment Process which will restore them to their original beauty!' he said, pulling something out from beneath the sofa…


16/07/2015

Industrial Injury

Wilson has decided to treat the 'getting stuck in a recycling bin' incident as an Industrial Injury, but since he's self-employed he can't decide who to sue. He says that his solicitors, Messrs. "I Can't Believe It's A Solicitors" will advise him. 

I hope that, in the absence of anyone else, I don't turn out to be the Defendant Of Choice — perhaps I should seek legal advice myself.

Anyway, I've finally managed to persuade W to explain what he was doing in the recycling bin in the first place: looking for dead flowers. 

He added that to say any more would endanger his Intellectual Property Rights, the USP of his new business, so I'm really still none the wiser.

Yet… 


15/07/2015

Stock acquisition

I've just had an odd telephone call from one of our neighbours. She said she'd heard a noise coming from one of her recycling bins, and when she went to investigate there appeared to be an anteater stuck in it. She said she was just calling to see whether I knew anything about it.

I ran round to her house and, sure enough, found Wilson struggling to get out of her Green Waste bin. 

Once I'd pulled him out I told him that he couldn't just go round rooting through other people's dustbins, and asked him what he thought he was doing.

Having been stuck upside-down in the bin for quite a long time he wasn't in the best of moods. He dusted himself down and replied with as much dignity he could muster that, at this point, he did not wish to discuss the matter.


14/07/2015

Research

This morning Wilson popped into the village, first to Tesco to 'Do some research' then on to the Estate Agents to 'Scope out some business premises.'

He still won't tell me what his new enterprise is, but he confessed that the shops available at rent he could afford didn't quite fit in with the sophisticated business image he was hoping to create, so he might open an eBay shop just until he gets established. 

All he would tell me was that his business would have impeccable 'Green Credentials' and would involve recycling, so that sounds pretty good. He also said that following his research at Tesco, he was more confident than ever of success with his unique new venture, and would be seeking to float it on the Stock Exchange.

I'm sure I've heard all this somewhere before…


13/07/2015

Homecoming

I collected Wilson from the Digital Detox Clinic last night, and we had a very emotional reunion! 

Once he was home I cooked his favourite meal (from his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua's secret recipe) Ant Lasagne with Extra Ants, and we discussed what he'd learned during his Detox.

Apparently the Head Nurse, a Miss Mildred Ratched RCN, was very upfront with all the residents, telling them that in a week there was no hope of de-addicting any them from The Internet, so instead there would be a series of lectures on Safe Internet Usage. 

These covered such topics as, How Not To Be Groomed, How Not To Be Phished, How Not To Get Into Trouble With Your Parents' VISA Card While Online, How Not To Find You've Bought A Mail-Order Bride etc. All very useful stuff for a 21st Century Anteater. 

Apart from that, it seems they all sat around playing 'Name That Ant!' for cash (as a result of which Wilson now has a very tidy bank balance) and watching a Swedish supernatural/police procedural tv series called 'Jordscott.' 

I don't know whether or not that was appropriate viewing, but having to read the subtitles was good practice for some of the slower animals.

W also had time enough to have an idea for a 'Totes Brill Cannot Fail' new moneymaking business venture, which will apparently involve him renting an empty shop in the village…