BACK SOON!

When I got back from driving Wilson to the Zoo, I found he'd left a note for you magnetted to the fridge door...

SWEARING A SOLEMN OATH

Before we left for the Zoo, everyone had to swear on a bowl of spaghetti (it's some sort of Pastafarian oath thing) that they will look after, water and generally protect his Tomato Farm while he's away.

Then Wilson went round to say goodbye to his tomato plants before reluctantly climbing into the back of the car and waving farewell to everyone. 

Even Uncle Z turned out to see him off!

As we drove away, I noticed W putting up a poster in the rear window...

FAMILY VISIT

'Before we think about holidays,' I replied, 'it's that time of year when you visit your family at the zoo. Reconnect with your Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, and meet all your new half-brothers and -sisters!'

'Don't make me go, New Dad!' he groaned. ' My Mum, Mrs V, has only got FOUR tv channels, and they're all black-and-white! And dial-up internet! There's no Wi-Fi!'

'Come on,' I said encouragingly, 'you'll love seeing your Big Sister Andrea again, and little Byron!'

He regarded me doubtfully.

'Honestly,' he said, 'this is a bad time for me to leave; I'm about to apply for an EU Farm Subsidy for my tomato farm!'

'And as soon as you get back,' I continued, 'we'll go on a proper holiday — I promise!'

I think that has tipped the balance — I'll phone the zoo and get them to tell Mrs V to expect him at the weekend...

THE JOY OF FARMING

Wilson is now relaxing in the garden, reflecting on how his tomatoes are doing all the work while he has only to sit back and wait to become rich. 

I think there's a little bit more to farming than that, but he seems confident. 

As he rocks gently back and forth on the swinging seat, he asked me whether I would like a holiday.

'I might do...' I replied cautiously — I've learned not to commit myself when answering that kind of question when Wilson is asking it.

'Because I rather fancy another trip to Liverpool,' he continued, 'as I really need to touch base with The Beatles!'

I cast my mind back to our last trip to Liverpool — enjoyable and fun but freezing cold; even the pigeons on the banks of the Mersey were wearing little scarves and shivering.

TOMATO FARM

As soon as we got home from the Garden Centre, Wilson hurried out into the garden to establish his Tomato Farm next to his Museum.

His 'Farm' consists of two polythene 'greenhouses' that each accommodate a GrowBag of compost and about three plants. 

Supervised by The Bees, he is carefully transplanting the seedlings into the compost and watering them in. As he plants them, he is talking to them — explaining that this is their new home and he hopes they'll be happy here. I suppose if talking to plants is good enough for Celebrity Eccentric Prince Charles, it's good enough for Wilson.

W says that his 'greenhouses' will protect the tomato plants against changes in temperature, but he will worry about garden pests and what he calls 'Tomato Rustlers' until his 'Guard Piglet' is in place.