19/11/2016

QUIZ

Wilson is a bit grumpy today, as he hasn't been invited to Ms Julia's 80s-themed Hen Night — he thinks as Best Man it is his duty to be there, and had laid out his Adam Ant costume in expectation of receiving a last-minute invitation. 

Over breakfast today Wilson confessed that he'd made no progress in writing jokes about the 'Chasers' for the tv quiz show, and had decided instead to sell questions to Potato, the production company that makes The Chase.


He spent a long time ferrying all his Encyclopaedia Britannica volumes in from his 'museum' and stacking them in front of the tumble dryer, to which he has retired to 'study'.


I suspect The Chase's production department is about to be inundated with questions about and relating to... well, ants, but least while he's reading his encyclopaedias he's not reading that troublesome copy of New Scientist


I'd take it away from him, but when he's not reading it he hides it from me, knowing I don't like him reading that particular issue.



18/11/2016

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS REHEARSAL

Our conversation over breakfast was mostly about a new method of rousing people trapped in a Minimally Conscious State. So far, so good — he's still only on page 12.

Later, Wilson replied to the Mayor's Office, stating explicitly that he would be available for the Grand Xmas Street Lights Turn-On Ceremony, should his services be required.


Assuming a favourable reply (you can't say he's not an optimist!) he retrieved his medal from the fridge, taped it to his chest and went into the living room to rehearse the Big Turn On, as he calls it.


'Fellow Uckfieldians!' he declaimed loudly, 'Or perhaps Uckfielders! I don't even know, but probably one or the other! Welcome to the Uckfield 2016 Xmas Lights Big Turn On! It is with ginormous pleasure that I declare these lights... Turned On!'


With that, while Polly and Billi the Bees applauded enthusiastically, Wilson stretched out his paw to turn on the living room lights. 


The switch was just beyond his reach, and he toppled off his podium onto the floor. 


Happily only his pride was hurt, and as he gathered himself up he remarked, 'I hope the real switch is a bit lower than that...'



16/11/2016

MAYORAL COMMUNICATION

This morning the postman brought a letter bearing the Seal of the Mayor of Uckfield and addressed to Wilson.

He carried it into the living room, opened it carefully and read it in silence. 


Twice. 

It didn't help that Uncle Zoltan was reading it over his shoulder and began to snigger.

'What does it say, then?' I asked.


'It's not even really from the Mayor!' Uncle Z jeered.


W replied despondently, 'Well, it's from one of her secretaries, and she says the Mayor is quite interested in having a celebrity to switch on the street decorations.'

'That sounds encouraging,' I said.


'But it goes on to ask whether I know any celebrities who might be willing to do it!'


Uncle Z burst out, 'Hahaha! THEY know you're not a celebrity, my boy — talk about illusions of grandeur!'


'Well,' I replied, 'I'd just ignore that and write a nice letter saying that YOU would be willing to turn on the lights for them if they'd like. And remind them that you do have the Freedom of Uckfield — if that doesn't make you a celebrity, I don't know what does.'


Wilson agreed, 'That's exactly what I'm going to do.'


Uncle Z unhelpfully added, 'I'd start the letter with "Don't you know who I am?"'



14/11/2016

SUPERMOON

Late last night Wilson went out into the garden to observe the Supermoon — apparently the moon would be closer to the Earth, and appear brighter and bigger, than at any time since 1948. 

This is not the sort of event W likes to miss so, equipped with a mug of hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows) and a lantern he went outside to observe this lunar phenomenon.


When he came back inside I enquired, 'So how was the moon — was it super?'


'Hmmm...' he replied, 'It was okay, but I think "super" would be to overstate it, honestly.'


Collapsing onto the sofa, he continued, 'But while I was out there, in the dark, contemplating this disappointing extraterrestrial occurrence, I had an idea!'


My heart sank a tiny bit at this news, but I did my best to control my features.


'I shall re-launch my range of "ODDSIES!" Non-Matching Socks, but this time in a limited "Pro HD" edition! I'll do it In time for the Xmas shopping bonanza.'


I have no idea what HD socks are, and I'm not about to ask — I shall doubtless find out in the fullness of time...



13/11/2016

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

Breakfast conversation this morning touched on Google's race to build a world-beating Quantum Computer, and the risks posed by solar flares to our nearest Earth-like planet, Proxima b  — meaning that Wilson still hasn't reached the New Scientist Metaphysics feature. Thank goodness.

Having been disappointed in his bid to cut the ribbon when the High Street was re-opened, and not being invited to open the Allsorts Christmas Shop, Wilson has written to the Mayor enquiring whether she'd like a Local Celebrity to switch on the Uckfield Xmas Illuminations.


W was on quite good terms with John Carvey, one of Uckfield's previous mayors, but he's never met the new Mayor, Ms Louise Eastwood, so he's very keen to make a good first impression. To this end, he's asked Antony to proof-read his email for grammatical and spelling errors.


OMG — I've just noticed that while W fine-tunes his email, Antony is passing the time by reading the New Scientist Metaphysics Special Edition! I don't know what I'll do if HE starts to display 'Reality Problems' — I imagine psychiatrists for soft toys must be very difficult to find... and probably expensive too!