Sitting at breakfast this morning, at first all I could hear was a hesitant coughing sound.
Then Byron's head appeared opposite me.
'Um… excuse me, Wilson's New Dad,' he began nervously, 'could I ask you a question?'
'Good morning, Byron,' I replied, 'Of course you can! What would you like to know?'
'Well, I was just wondering if you knew Katie Paterson?'
I racked my brain for a minute before I confessed that I didn't, asking, 'Is she one of Wilson's friends?'
'No,' he said, 'but it doesn't matter – please forget that I asked.'
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In other news, views of Wilson's Blog have topped 65000!
Having as yet sold nothing from the Gift Shop, Wilson was a little more confident as he led his visitors to what he calls the Bargain Zone, where lower-cost items may be purchased.
One by one, he removed picture postcards from the rack and extolled the virtues of each one.
Eventually, I bought a postcard.
It was a Pity Purchase, but W seemed pleased and directed me to Uncle Zoltan at the pay desk to complete my investment.
I was a little surprised when Uncle Z told me the postcards were £5.00 each, but I proffered a £10 note, which he accepted and rang up in his Fisher Price Cash Register, while I waited patiently for my change.
When no change was forthcoming, I asked if anything was wrong.
Uncle Zoltan replied that for 'logistical reasons' it was not possible for him to give change.
I said in that case, I'd have another postcard, to make the bill up to £10, but he advised me that would not be possible since he had rung up the money and the transaction was now at an end.
I was going to pursue the matter, but he started eyeing the Souvenir Bottles of WaspEeze meaningfully…
Once Wilson had extracted every penny possible by means of his Tip Jar and a baleful stare, he invited his visitors through into the Gift Shop where, he explained, they would be able to purchase 'All manner of wonderful souvenirs of your visit to the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff… including,' he gestured towards a poster on the wall, 'this striking Homage to Robert Indiana Art Print, a steal at only £25.'
He paused to survey his guests expectantly, in the manner of an auctioneer waiting for someone to raise their hand, but there were no takers.
'Okay,' he continued, 'no art lovers in today, but there is a cornucopia of other delightful mementos, something to fit every budget, however paltry: Key Rings, Postcards, Badges, to name but a few!'
He waited again, to a silence broken only by the sound of shuffling feet.
'Anyway, please take your purchases to Uncle Zoltan at the Pay Desk. For your own well-being, you are advised not to make any sudden hand movements while he is serving you – I mention this purely for your own protection – however souvenir bottles of WaspEeze are available behind the counter…'
Once the shortlisted items of 'Special Interest' had all been seen, Nërp announced the conclusion of the tour:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, the Free Tour of the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff is now at an end. As you will have noticed, there are many interesting exhibits in the museum which we've not been able to look at, so I hope we'll see you all again soon, when you can enjoy them at a more leisurely pace. Thank you for your kind attention.'
Wilson desperately whispered to him, 'Don't forget to mention Gratuities!'
Nërp, not understanding, glanced at the gesturing Wilson, who shouted, 'The Tip Jar! Tell them about The Tip Jar!'
Nërp flushed briefly, then said that it is a condition of his employment at the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff that he advises all visitors that Gratuities are welcome.
'Go on!' W prompted urgently.
'Um… this is deeply embarrassing,' N continued, 'but it would appear that the Suggested Gratuity is £5, $6.37, €5.71 cash only. Change will not be given.'
Wilson rushed in and started enthusiastically brandishing the Tip Jar, while Nërp muttered to himself, 'Oh, the indignity of it all – I am mortified!'
I let both of the boys (and everybody else) stay up late to watch Eurovision until the end.
Byron had never seen one before, and was agog much of the time!
I told the boys they could have five votes each, but the lines were so busy that only one vote got through – for Denmark (with the Giant Furniture) which we'd all liked.
Madonna was… surprising. Her appearance as a One-Eyed Space Pirate caused TT to burst into tears!
After Graham Norton satirically explained that she was bravely appearing "in spite of suffering from an attack of conjunctivitis*" Wilson thought that must explain her very off-key and lacklustre performance.
Overall, however, Wilson said it was the Best Eurovision Ever – and I'm inclined to agree. Almost all the songs were excellent, and the staging was magnificent!
What with everyone getting to bed so late last night, though, we're all a bit bleary-eyed this morning. None of us has been up for long and even Nërp keeps yawning…
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*I know for a fact that Wilson confuses Conjunctivitis with Cystitis... 😉
