VANDALISM

I was taking a turn round the garden this morning when, just by the Coal Bunker, I noticed some graffiti had been sprayed on the fence!

Honestly, you have to keep on top of this kind of thing – nip it in the bud – so I’ve put out a bucket of soapy water and I’ll ask Wilson if he’d mind washing it off later.

He can have Nërp to help him, if he likes…

AN IDEA IS BORN

On another occasion, to escape the pandemonium at home, Wilson and his brother Byron took all the children out to play in the snow. 

While the younger ones snowballed and built snowmen, W and ‘Biro’ had a deep discussion, and apparently hatched a brilliant scheme to be put into action when Byron comes to visit in the Summer.

I’m happy they’ve got something to look forward to, but filled with foreboding at what their idea might be…

KODAK MOMENT

While Wilson was complaining about the unremitting awfulness of his stay at the zoo, Uncle Z walked in. 

Glancing at the photo he remarked, ‘Looks like you had a lovely holiday with your family… while I was trying to survive in my unheated hive! I had to melt snow in my oven just to have my morning wash and to make tea! You youngsters, you don’t know you’re born…’

Ignoring him, I said, ’I’m sorry you had such a horrible time, Wilson, but it was unavoidable!’ 

‘I know,’ he replied, ‘and it wasn’t totally awful – not all the time, anyway – Biro and me did go out and build some wicked snowmen!’ 

He handed me another photograph.
 

WORST NATIONAL ANT DAY EVER

Wilson passed me another photograph, a snowy woodland scene.

‘This,’ he remarked resentfully, ‘is my souvenir of the Worst National Ant Day Ever! It was freezing cold, there weren’t any ants, and I didn’t win!’

This must have been a bitter blow to Wilson, who has been crowned Ant King of Uckfield every year since he came to live with me in 2011.

‘Oh dear!’ I said, solicitously, ‘So who did win?’

‘One of my many ½-brothers – Sydney Arthur Vermilingua – found the first ant of 2018 and was crowned Ant King.’ he replied. ‘But I suspect cheating – I’m almost certain he had an ant concealed in his ear!’

I shook my head and made sympathetic noises…

‘Obviously I had an ant concealed in my ear too, but I didn’t produce it quickly enough! I have become complacent, New Dad!’ he continued. ‘Living here in comparative luxury with you has made me soft! Weakened my competitive spirit! I must Anteater-Up and regain my Edge!’

ZOO OVERCROWDING

Wilson shovelled a spoonful of cornflakes into his mouth then passed a photograph to me.

‘This’, he explained, ‘Is my Mum, Mrs Vermilingua’s Living Room. It is full of children squabbling and quarrelling over toys – I couldn’t hear myself think! 

I nodded sympathetically.

‘The fire is so smokey that sometimes it makes your eyes water and you can’t see across the room. 

I nodded sympathetically.

‘The Black and White 12-inch television has only one channel, and you can’t see anything for the static. 

I nodded sympathetically.

‘The Wi-Fi has been cut off because the Warthogs were operating some kind of Internet Investment Scam.’

I nodded sympathetically.

‘How can I be expected to live like that? Eh? In the Summer I can go outside to play, but this was the middle of Winter – I was a Prisoner!’

He paused to sprinkle more ants on his cornflakes, then passed me another photo…