Today I came across Wilson lounging in an armchair looking pensive.
'What's up, matey?' I asked him.
'Well, New Dad,' he replied, 'I was watching tv last night, and this reporter said that a Social Influencer was someone who writes a Blog and has more than 3,000 Followers.'
'That sounds a lot like you!' I said, encouragingly.
'Yes,' he agreed, 'it sounds a LOT like me! I've got more than TWICE as many Followers as that, but no-one has ever paid me to do a Celebrity Endorsement of anything…'
'Hmmm,' I told him, 'I'd guess that's because everyone knows you have such high moral standards that you would never even consider endorsing something in return for mere cash!'
He nodded thoughtfully, saying, 'True. But the money would come in very handy!'
Shrugging philosophically, he added, 'Still, my Celebrity Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Diet Book will be out soon, and the money will start rolling in – recipe testing starts tomorrow, so I hope you're prepared!'
I couldn't suppress a small, involuntary shudder…
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Wilson has lent us an Advance Copy of his 'Eat As Much As You Like' Celebrity Diet Book – we've both piled on a few grams over Xmas, and we'd like some help to shift them.
We think this will be the ideal diet for us as we enjoy eating as much as we like…
To be honest, though, we're both a bit worried.
We try to look happy all the time, because it's the Bee Way, but as Ms Davina McCall says, sometimes we have to Fake Happiness because… well, no-one wants to see a Sad Bee!
What we're worried about is this postcard Wilson received from Uncle Zoltan.
Reading between the lines, we're not sure how much of a success his Nationwide Drumming Tour really is but, being a very Proud Hornet, he won't admit it.
So, Polly and I are considering mounting an Uncle Z Rescue Mission to bring him home.
As long as there isn't too much snow – we don't like snow!
Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Following the consumption of much (manifestly NON-diet) food, Wilson and his Literary Agent Antony have just shown me the first dummy of his Celebrity Diet Book.
I had to express some doubt over Wilson's use of the word 'Fad' in the title – he had assumed that it was a wholly positive term because people were always talking about Fad Diets, but once he'd Googled it he agreed that it should go.
After much deliberation and discussion, he and Antony have agreed upon a new title:
The Wilson Vermilingua Celebrity Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Diet Book.
One of Wilson's 'brilliant ideas' was to write and publish a best-selling celebrity diet book… and this morning, he started work on it.
My heart sank a little at the news, and I immediately began to plead that I was still convalescing from my illness and needed a varied and nourishing range of foodstuffs, rather than testing his limited-calorie recipes.
He raised one paw and looked at me pityingly.
'The recipes are not the important part of a Diet Book,' he told me. 'The actual recipes and so on are the last thing on my mind now. The vital ingredient of any Celebrity Recipe Book is the COVER – that's what my Literary Agent and I are working on now.'
'What is the title of your book?' I enquired.
A small smile spread over his face as he replied, 'I'm calling it The Wilson Fad Diet Book – catchy, don't you think?'
Another postcard has arrived from Uncle Z – this one probably a bit more realistic in its tone.
It shows an establishment even less salubrious-looking than the last, where he says he's playing lunchtime gigs in a nearby village.
He confesses that the locals there are not such great fans of Avant Garde freeform jazz drumming as his audience in Glasgow had been.
During his last performance, one audience member strode through from the Saloon Bar and approached him.
Uncle Z thought he was going to ask for an autograph or make a request, but instead he bent down and hissed, 'If'n ya don't stop ya bangin', ya skannocky wee bullstang, ye'll be havin' a Close Encounter with a rolled-up Daily Mail!'
Uncle Z immediately stopped playing… but later gave this 'uncouth lout' a sting on the ankle – right on the bony part!
That sounds exactly like Uncle Zoltan!
