06/06/2020

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

According to the Uckfield Examiner, non-essential shops in the High Street may be reopening soon!
 
Byron was helping Wilson read the paper this morning when they spotted an advert announcing a new – and entirely non-essential – shop which has got them both really fired-up.
 
I glanced through the paper when they'd finished it, but I couldn't find what had got them both so excited… but that might be because they'd torn the advert out.
 
I know I'll find out eventually – but the earliest any of these shops can open is still over a week away, so there's plenty of time.
 
 

05/06/2020

ANTEATER AT WORK

Byron has almost finished his first painting, and allowed us in to take a look at it.
 
Wilson examined it very closely, then asked, 'Bro – will you be doing any more of these? Enough for an exhibition in the Vermilingua Contemporary?' 
 
The bees stared at it for quite a long time before concluding, 'So it's not flowers, then… we were hoping it would be flowers.'
 
Nërp regarded it critically at some length before declaring, 'It's very blue… all over.'
 
'Yes it is!' Byron agreed, explaining, 'I'm just trying to find my Authentic Artistic Voice by working through some of history's Major Art Movements. This piece saves time by combining Picasso's Blue Period with the New York School's Colour Field works.'
 
Nërp considered this for several moments and declared, 'Oh yes – very blue…'
 
IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson's Blog has now had more than 74,000 hits! 
🎉 🥳

04/06/2020

LETTER FROM AMERICA

Wilson is very much a 21st Century Anteater, consequently most of his communication takes place via email.
 
This morning, though, a SnailMail letter arrived addressed to him, and he showed it to me over breakfast.
 
It's a photo from his pen-friends in America – Arnold, Priscilla and Fang (who is about to undergo 'lockdown surgery' – Good Luck, Fang!)
 
You can read about Arnold's Battle With the Mundane on Instagram:  
https://www.instagram.com/the.gourmet.anteater/ 
 
I'm very pleased for Wilson – maybe writing to a pen-friend will take his mind off being confined to the house… 

In other news, Byron has just popped in to say his first painting is almost finished!
 
 

03/06/2020

SNIFF-N-TRACE APP

A little behind schedule (but not nearly as late as the Government's official app) Nërp is finally ready to reveal his Sniff-'n'-Trace iPhone App.
 
Before showing it to Wilson, he warned him that it had been necessary to add 'one or two hardware peripherals' to ensure its reliable functioning.
 
In spite of the warning, Wilson was not quite prepared for what greeted him when he walked into Nerp's workshop: while the app did appear to run on Wilson's iPhone, it was powered by a massive car battery and connected to a rack of equipment on a little pull-along trolly.
 
'Is this it?' Wilson demanded, clapping his paw to his head. 'Is this the App? It's supposed to fit in your pocket, not be pulled round on a cart!' 
 
Nërp remained positive as he explained that the App had 'higher than anticipated' power requirements, and Warned Wilson, 'I wouldn't test it yet, as I believe the "Nose Receptor Device" may be suffering from Hay Fever… or possibly a Summer Cold – anyway, it's doing a lot of sniffing, and not much tracing.'
 
Before Wilson could speak, a deafening sound came from the loudspeakers on top of the main machine.
 
What with all the feedback and crackling it wasn't easy to be sure, but it might have been an announcement saying: 'Move two metres away or prepare to be exterm-m-m-m-m-m-mmmmmmminated!'
 
At this point we were forced to leave the workshop due to an acrid burning smell – I hope Wilson's iPhone is okay or he'll expect me to buy him a new one…
 
 

02/06/2020

PERSONAL PROTECTION EQUIPMENT

While Nërp ponders how to write Wilson's 'World Beating' Sniff-'n'-Trace App, Wilson and Byron have moved on to their next allegedly Great Idea.
 
Wilson has long been troubled by the lack of Animal PPE, and in particular the total absence of face masks suitable for the longer-faced mammal (I'm pretty certain he's referring to anteaters) and has invented the Snoot.
 
This is a conical fabric device which can be easily slipped over the sniffer and will stay in place without awkward elastic straps.
 
They look quite effective, but I wonder how much demand there can be for this kind of thing – it seems a bit of a niche product to be quite honest…
———
In other news, there have been so many orders for Wilson's Enforcer (the 2m whacking stick) that he's put Nërp onto full time production. This will inevitably result in some delay to the release of the new Sniff-'n'-Trace App… just like the government's Official App!
 
 

01/06/2020

BEE YOGA


Hello, welcome to June, we are Polly and Billi the Bees and this is our Guest Blog!
 
During lockdown, I'm sorry to say we've both piled on a few grams, and in an effort to regain our girlish figures we've been trying something new – Bee Yoga!
 
Wilson tried to popularise Pig Yoga, but his pig, Dave, didn't really have his heart in it.
 
In this picture, Billi is doing the Downward Facing Bee pose, while I'm demonstrating the Thunderbolt Bee pose – because it's a bit easier.
 
Why don't you try a bit of Bee Yoga? It's very good for the tarsi and really helps keep you supple – but take your time and approach it slowly so you don't get a strain.
 
Anyway, we've been the Bees, and we'll see you again next month – until then BEEEEEEEE GOOD!
 

 

31/05/2020

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

Wilson's Two-Metre Distancing Device has been very well received and orders have been pouring in – I just hope he can keep up with demand! 
 
Encouraged by this success he has been giving some thought to how he can ease the pain of isolation and lockdown by means of Smart Technology.
 
The UK Government's much-lauded 'World Beating' Trace and Track App is weeks behind schedule and there are serious doubts about its effectiveness.
 
He therefore proposes the introduction of the Sniff-'n'-Trace App, an iPhone App which sniffs the air to detect the presence of the Covid-19 virus.
 
If it identifies Coronavirus germs, it will sound a very loud klaxon and announce, 'Covid-19 is present in this vicinity – move two metres away immediately!'
 
He has taken Nërp down into the Asteroid Shelter so he can discuss this proposal in private – 'Away from Government Spies' as he put it.
 
Wilson obviously has no idea how to write an App so has delegated this task to Nërp.
 
Nërp has no idea how to write an App either, but (possibly as a delaying tactic) has suggested changing the warning message.
 
The announcement will now say, 'Move two metres away or prepare to be exterminated!' – which actually seems like a pretty good idea, considering the public's general reluctance to comply with simple instructions.
 
Remember that it's the Bees turn to Blog tomorrow – they say they've got something which will really ease the pain of lockdown, and that Joe Wicks should forget about that 'Fitness Tzar' job. Maybe you should wear Lycra just in case…