PRIVATE TOUR

This morning after breakfast the boys took me into the garden. 

Wilson unlocked the door of the Gallery and ushered me inside into near-darkness.

Following my recent encounter with the Living Artworks, I wasn't looking forward to my visit quite as much as I might otherwise have been, but perhaps I shall be pleasantly surprised.

'In you go, New Dad,' Wilson instructed, 'and welcome to your private tour of the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery, Uckfield.'

He held out his paw, adding, 'Admission is £5.'

I handed over a fiver, thinking that I'd got off quite lightly, but then he added, 'Oh, I assume you'll be wanting the conducted tour? The exhibits might not make much sense without a carefully-crafted and highly educational commentary. That'll be another £5.00, please!'

Once I'd paid, we moved through the tenebrous Foyer of the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery, Uckfield towards the first Exhibition Gallery.

Tragically – since the next Blog Post is due on March 1st – it will be The Bees turn to blog, so you'll have to wait a couple more days until I can reveal what transpired inside the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery.

Please try to contain your curiosity until then – it shouldn't be too difficult…

LIVING ARTWORKS

Today I was due to have a Private Tour of the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery – I had even prepared some positive things to say when I didn't understand an exhibit – but it didn't happen.

Instead, I have been subjected to a Weird Experience, not unlike meeting a smaller, fur-covered version of Gilbert and George… 

Nërp called me into the dining room, saying there was something Wilson wanted me to see.

Upon entering, I was immediately aware of Byron and Wilson sitting in silence at the dining table, wearing paper hats, with Pterry between them.

Wilson was staring intently at an old fashioned cobbler's last, while Byron had a pencil poised over a blank paper pad.

I regarded them for a moment, then asked, 'Hi boys! What's going on?'

Byron immediately wrote on the pad: "Hi boys! What's going on?"

I asked a couple more questions, but was met with total silence, save for the faint sounds of Byron's pencil scratching on paper as he transcribed everything I said.

Eventually Nërp caught my eye and beckoned me outside, where he explained, 'It's called Performance Art, and the two performers are Living Artworks. They do weird things to mess with your mind.'

'Oh!' I replied, 'Did Wilson explain why they're doing this?'

'Um… no, not really' the android continued, 'But he did hint that it was to prepare you for your Conducted Tour of the Gallery – which, by the way, has now been rescheduled.'

'Is Pterry an active participant in this… um, thing?' I enquired.

'Not exactly,' Nërp explained, 'he's really only there because he still cries when he's left alone…'

In my day, this might have been called a Happening. I would probably have

fingered the Hippy Bell hanging round my neck, nodded appreciatively and said, 'Cool, man. Way cool!' – but that was then…

FINAL TOUCHES

The lads are in the Gallery making final adjustments to the signage and so on before next month's Grand Opening.

Wilson says that tomorrow he will give me a Private Tour of the gallery, so there's something to look forward to… or not.

I have a nasty feeling that after I've taken the tour Wilson will interrogate me – he'll want my honest opinion on what I thought of the Gallery and the exhibits.

I just hope I can come up with something diplomatic to say – something positive and tactful.

I'd better start thinking about that now, so I'm not caught off-guard when the time comes…

MAJOR CULTURAL EVENT

When the Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot opened, there were lights, a PA system, speeches – even Uncle Zoltan on the roof playing on his drums!

For the opening of his Gallery, The Vermilingua Contemporary, though, Wilson has opted for a more laid-back and sophisticated approach, marking the opening only with announcements in The Times Educational Supplement, Artists & Illustrators, The Artist, Sight & Sound and ArtReview, as well as in the Local Press.

Byron proudly told me that he and W think this could 'Really put Uckfield on the map' in the same way that the Turner Contemporary has revived the fortunes of Margate…

The Bees have grudgingly agreed to enforce parking charges, and Uncle Z is once again manning the cash register on the Admission Desk – no one in their right mind would risk trying to slip past him without paying! 
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Provisional Opening Day will be 11 MARCH – please put the date in your diary!