LIVING ARTWORKS

Today I was due to have a Private Tour of the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery – I had even prepared some positive things to say when I didn't understand an exhibit – but it didn't happen.

Instead, I have been subjected to a Weird Experience, not unlike meeting a smaller, fur-covered version of Gilbert and George… 

Nërp called me into the dining room, saying there was something Wilson wanted me to see.

Upon entering, I was immediately aware of Byron and Wilson sitting in silence at the dining table, wearing paper hats, with Pterry between them.

Wilson was staring intently at an old fashioned cobbler's last, while Byron had a pencil poised over a blank paper pad.

I regarded them for a moment, then asked, 'Hi boys! What's going on?'

Byron immediately wrote on the pad: "Hi boys! What's going on?"

I asked a couple more questions, but was met with total silence, save for the faint sounds of Byron's pencil scratching on paper as he transcribed everything I said.

Eventually Nërp caught my eye and beckoned me outside, where he explained, 'It's called Performance Art, and the two performers are Living Artworks. They do weird things to mess with your mind.'

'Oh!' I replied, 'Did Wilson explain why they're doing this?'

'Um… no, not really' the android continued, 'But he did hint that it was to prepare you for your Conducted Tour of the Gallery – which, by the way, has now been rescheduled.'

'Is Pterry an active participant in this… um, thing?' I enquired.

'Not exactly,' Nërp explained, 'he's really only there because he still cries when he's left alone…'

In my day, this might have been called a Happening. I would probably have

fingered the Hippy Bell hanging round my neck, nodded appreciatively and said, 'Cool, man. Way cool!' – but that was then…