Wilson is a bit disappointed that his half-brother Byron can't come to stay with us until next week, so to cheer him up I've taken him into Brighton to visit the BA i360 — the biggest moving observation deck in the world.
(Not a word to W about how it got stuck halfway up for two hours last week — he's a nervous traveller at the best of times!)
The i360 is impossible to ignore — at 500ft high, it's the first thing you see on the seafront — but Wilson was initially much more interested in something at ground level: a zebra playing a Yamaha organ!
There was a sign next to him saying that he was saving to pay for his wedding.
W was very impressed, saying that he would probably try that when he'd finally proposed to Ms Caroline Catz and fixed a date for his wedding.
Once I'd explained that the 'zebra' was actually a man in a zebra suit (which Wilson at first refused to believe) he grew even more excited, as it had apparently given him a 'Totes Boss Idea!'
Wilson was busy on his iMac planning things for his New Idea That's Even Better Than A Tomato Farm when an email arrived from his half-brother Byron.
In it B explained that he was right up for helping with the New Idea, but he couldn't come to stay until the weekend after this one — apparently a load of his friends at the Zoo are having birthday parties, and he doesn't want to miss any of them.
I never mind Byron coming to stay with us because he's very polite and well behaved, and he's good company for Wilson — he helps him keep in touch with his anteater roots.
Wilson was a bit miffed by the delay as he really wants to progress his New Idea, so I might plan a nice surprise for him to help pass the time...
Wilson has been watching DCI Banks on Sky+ — that's the DCI Banks that co-stars his fiancée (ie current crush) Ms Caroline Catz.
In
this series she plays DI Helen Morton, Major Crimes Deputy SIO, and as
such her character is quite a lot sterner than in her role as nurturing
primary school teacher in Doc Martin.
This has rather
confused Wilson, who told me that 'Joining the Police and becoming a
Police Officer has changed her — she's very stern now and behaves more
like Ms Anne Hegerty off The Chase... although of course she's still v. beautiful.'
I'm pretty sure he STILL hasn't grasped the concept of 'acting'.
While investigating Ms Catz, however, he has learned that not only was she once singer in the bands Monoland and Sapphire, and made guest appearances with the Jesus and Mary Chain, but she also goes surfing in Cornwall!
With
his history of songwriting and surfing, this has served only to
convince W that their anticipated liaison and eventual marriage is
'Predestined'...
Everything is not QUITE as bleak as it seemed yesterday — the Bees did manage to salvage what tomatoes they could, although I'd be surprised if three tomatoes is enough to warrant a Pick Your Own Tomatoes event.
Especially as they've already been picked.
But Wilson has a very positive, can-do attitude to life, and this morning he went out in the garden to open the massive crate which everyone has been referring to as The Obelisk.
There has been much speculation as to its contents, but I don't think anyone expected to see a huge coin-operated weighing machine.
'It was for the Pick Your Own Tomato Farm,' W explained. 'Customers would be weighed as they came in and again as they left, just to make sure they hadn't illicitly eaten any tomatoes while they were here. I shall have to think of something else to do with it now, 'cos I hired it for the rest of the summer.'
Later I heard Wilson phoning his half-brother Byron to invite him over. He said that due to 'unforeseen circumstances' his plans had changed, but he'd had an even better idea, and would definitely need Byron's help with it.
Wilson related his disappointing experience when he'd failed to officially open the High Street. Everyone was very solicitous, especially the Bees.
Once he had been sufficiently reassured and cheered up he took Dave, his guard-piglet, out into the garden to show him the Tomato Farm and explain his guarding duties to him. A moment later I heard an anguished cry: 'Aaaaaaagh!'
Both Bees looked nervously at each other.
Wilson staggered into the room, supporting himself with the door frame, and proclaimed, 'My Tomato Farm is no more. It is... dead! Expired! Departed! It is an EX Tomato Farm!'
The Bees looked guilty and nudged each other for a moment, and eventually Billi said, 'We're very sorry — VERY sorry, actually — but that is our fault. We forgot to water it.'
Polly explained, 'We were so busy with our Party in the Lavender that we completely forgot!'
Billy added, 'I'm not going to lie, we were drunk. WELL blootered. We'd had a LOT of mead. But we ARE sorry. Contrite. Remorseful. Compunctious. Asham...'
Wilson cut her off. 'Well, accidents will happen — and alcohol was involved, which explains much.'
The Bees hung their heads.
Wilson continued, 'Of course, I shall have to change my plans for the Pick-Your-Own-Tomatoes event. But on the other hand... is there any mead left?'
The Bees ran off to the kitchen and I heard liquid being poured.
W flopped into an armchair, sighed and held out his paw as the Bees returned with a pint glass filled to the brim with honey-coloured hooch.
Dave entered the room and asked plaintively whether, now that his job had effectively disappeared, this meant he'd have to go back to the shop...
