DCI BANKS

Wilson has been watching DCI Banks on Sky+ — that's the DCI Banks that co-stars his fiancée (ie current crush) Ms Caroline Catz.

In this series she plays DI Helen Morton, Major Crimes Deputy SIO, and as such her character is quite a lot sterner than in her role as nurturing primary school teacher in Doc Martin.

This has rather confused Wilson, who told me that 'Joining the Police and becoming a Police Officer has changed her — she's very stern now and behaves more like Ms Anne Hegerty off The Chase... although of course she's still v. beautiful.'

I'm pretty sure he STILL hasn't grasped the concept of 'acting'.

While investigating Ms Catz, however, he has learned that not only was she once singer in the bands Monoland and Sapphire, and made guest appearances with the Jesus and Mary Chain, but she also goes surfing in Cornwall!

With his history of songwriting and surfing, this has served only to convince W that their anticipated liaison and eventual marriage is 'Predestined'...