06/10/2018

ZOMBIEBUSTERS

Wilson and Nërp have proudly shown me the logo for their new business, ZombieBusters.

Antony is a bit put out by the demarcation of labour in this new enterprise – in the past he has always done Wilson's business accounts, but apparently Nërp has an original, signed copy of VisiCalc v1.0 installed, so is therefore the obvious choice as Business Manager and Accountant.


I have more fundamental doubts about this venture, and I fear I shall have to bite the bullet and mention them…



05/10/2018

NEW BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY

EVER THE ENTREPRENEUR, Wilson thinks he has discovered a way to monetise our recent problem: he's going to start a Zombie Removal and Eradication Service.

Obviously the first step in any new business enterprise is to design a logo, and he and Nërp (who will apparently be a partner in this venture) are in the dining room doing just that.


I would have thought there were other steps to take before offering such a service – perhaps a little market research, just to establish whether there's any demand for such a facility – but what do I know? 


Wilson has started many, many businesses in the past, so I suppose he must know what he's doing…


03/10/2018

ALL CLEAR

It emerged later that Nërp had muddled up Zombies – the brain-eating undead, and Wombles – the cheerful, fluffy Wimbledon-based recycling experts.

'If I'd known,' he explained over breakfast, 'I would never have volunteered. I'd have voted for Uncle Zoltan to go!'


Later I was chatting with one of our neighbours and asked whether they'd been incommoded by the Zombies' visitation. 


'Oh, what you mean the Zombie Hunters' Van?' He laughed, and explained, 'That belongs to my wife's nephew! He came to stay for the weekend, and his mates paid to have his van done up like that for his birthday present – it's brilliant, isn't it? Really convincing!'


So… there had never been any zombie invasion! 


Everyone had been so brave that I think I shall keep that information to myself…


01/10/2018

BEES' BLOG

AND RELAX… we're all safe!

Nërp the Robot bravely went out last night looking for the zombies, and he didn't find any! Also, the Zombie Response Team Vehicle has gone, so they're probably fighting the Zombie Threat somewhere that isn't Uckfield.


Nërp was gone all night, and we'd started to fear the worst, but it turned out that his battery went flat and he had to spend a lot of time in an all-night café getting a recharge and pretending to drink coffee.


Now that the danger is over, we're making the most of this unseasonal sunshine with our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, playing in the grass and preparing for the winter football [soccer] season – although why anyone would want to play football in the winter is beyond us! Muddy, cold, damp… UGH!


Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month.


Until then, BEEEEEEEEE CAREFUL AND LOOK OUT FOR VAMPIRES!



30/09/2018

ROBOT RECONNAISSANCE

DAY THREE of the siege, and supplies are running low – we have already exhausted our supplies of ice-cream!

Wilson is starting to worry about inadvertently eating Zombie Ants and becoming infected with what he calls the Zombie Lurgy


Eventually, Nërp bravely volunteered to go outside to see whether the zombies were still at large – he reasoned that since his brain was electro-mechanical the Zombies were unlikely to eat it, and unless they were also equipped with antique Philips DIN plugs and leads would not even be able to access it.


Everyone, including Uncle Z, Cheered enthusiastically, but Nërp hushed them, saying, 'Shhh – the zombies will hear you!'


Uncle Zoltan suggested that Nërp should take with him a crucifix and a clove of garlic, but Wilson Googled this and found that Uncle Z was confusing Zombies with Vampires – an easy mistake to make, in the circumstances.


As dusk fell, Wilson silently unlocked and opened the front door so that Nërp could slip out unobserved into the darkness. As he left, he gave Wilson a brave smile, but his tuneless humming betrayed his nervousness.


I can't help feeling that there would be less chance of him drawing attention to himself if he turned off the flashing message announcing 'Top Secret Mission' on his display screens, but I'm no expert in these matters…