For the weekend, Nërp has assumed Conducted Tour duties, to give Wilson time to prepare for tonight's Eurovision Song Contest.
With no visible signs of nervousness, Nërp commenced, 'Ladies and Gentlemen – welcome to this Free Guided Tour of the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff. My name is Nërp, and I shall be your Tour Guide today. I should like first to draw your attention to this small item labelled "Wireless"'.
The visitors crowded round to peer at the small plastic box Nërp had indicated.
'It is allegedly a miniature unidirectional telecommunications device driven by discrete "transistors" – or "trannys", as they were colloquially known at the time.'
Nërp paused while the small group of visitors variously Ooh'd, Aah'd and muttered that if the tour weren't free, they'd be asking for their money back.
Resuming his commentary, Nërp announced, 'Doubtless you will have observed the delightful QUADROPHENIA 40th Anniversary Badges displayed adjacent to the Wireless. These may be purchased for a trifling sum in the Gift Shop – just ask Uncle Zoltan if you wish to acquire them, but it is recommended to approach him with a measure of… caution.'
'These little black boxes', Wilson continued, moving on to the next display, 'are cameras. They date from The Leatherette Age, which is a geological period of pre-history coming just after The Wood Age, when everything was covered in Leatherette. My New Dad has confirmed that they really are cameras, although they don't have batteries or anywhere to put a memory card. They may be solar powered, because you could only take photographs if the sun was shining, and it was behind you.'
We all shuffled forward for a closer look.
'To the right of the cameras are some traditional "Anteater Playing Cards" – there are only three different cards in the pack, so they're best for playing games like Snap. I may design some more cards later, if I have time, but you can buy a pack of these in the Gift Shop. I think you'll love them!'
Moving on, he announced, 'Tomorrow, we shall see something confusingly called "The Wireless", which I think you'll find is very interesting…'
The next exhibit Wilson proudly displayed was a pile of old Audio and VHS cassettes.
I think I recognise some of these, actually – I'm sure I remember recording that very Mix Tape…
I'm quite glad to live my life without cassettes now – iTunes and Netflix might be quite expensive, but at least they never chew up your recordings irretrievably!
I don't mean to be disloyal, but I hope Wilson's next exhibit is a bit more… well, interesting.
Or old – old would be good, in a Museum.
Wilson is getting into his stride with his first Conducted Tour of the Museum.
'The first exhibit I would like to show you is this relic from a plane dating from the Great Ant Wars of 1921,' he began.
'It was salvaged from the aircraft driven by my famous ancestor Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López, the legendary Blue Baron, and bequeathed to me in his Will!'
Tour members drew closer to examine this artefact.
'It is an instrument called a Knotometer. Or possibly a Knot-o-meter. Its purpose was to show that the knots securing the wings to the rest of the airplane were properly tied, so the wings and stuff wouldn't fall off while the plane was flying!' he announced confidently, before adding, 'Actually it might be pronounced Knot'o'Meter, nobody really knows for certain, which just adds to its interest…'
Wilson is just announcing the Terms and Conditions of his Free Museum Tours.
The chief condition appears to be that if you've mislaid your Free Admission Ticket, the Free Tour is going to cost you a Fiver! [£5 or about US $6.50]
I did warn you to keep that ticket safe…
If you require anything from the Gift Shop – which is now officially open – Uncle Zoltan will be happy to serve you.
Well, he'll serve you, anyway.
When dealing with Uncle Zoltan, my Top Tip would be: don't argue with him about your change!
