A GENUINELY BRILLIANT INVENTION

It's taken a while (he's been trying since he first moved in with me) but at long last I think Wilson has invented something genuinely useful!

 

I admit I was a bit sceptical when he and Byron first showed it to me, but we all went out into the garden for a practical demonstration of this as-yet unnamed boon to humanity.

 

The Bees accompanied us in case of a medical mishap, and Nërp bravely volunteered to be Test Subject.

 

Once in open ground I was able to properly examine Wilson's invention (code-named The Device) and I could see that it consisted of a two-metre-long pole with a plastic hand affixed to one end.

 

Byron enquired whether everyone was ready for the demonstration to commence, then nodded to Wilson – who proceeded to wave his stick wildly around his head!

 

'Hey, take care!' I shouted, 'You're going to hit someone with that!' – but he carried on regardless.

 

Nërp slowly approached him, and received a vicious blow to the head.

 

Wilson placed The Device on the ground and explained that hitting someone was the whole idea – but no one would be hit unless they were within 2m, so it would perfectly enforce the government-approved social distance between the person holding it and everyone else!

 

'If anyone complains about being whacked around the head,' he continued, 'I shall simply explain that I am a Government Social Distancing Officer working under-cover and issue an on-the-spot fine. That should shut them up!'

 

Once I grasped the concept I could see what a simple but brilliant game-changer it would be, and I immediately placed an order for one.

 

It will be exactly what I need next time I go to the Garden Centre or Supermarket…

 

 

FINAL CLAP FOR CARERS

Rather than allow Clapping for Carers to fade away it has changed gear, transforming from a weekly event to an annual one.

 

Last night's demonstration will thus be the last one until this time next year, which is why we celebrated it even more vigorously than usual.

 

We all gathered to show support for the NHS, Carers and Key Workers by means of applause, cheering, blowing whistles, banging saucepans and sundry other noise-makers.

 

Byron had been busy working on his painting all day but arrived shortly before 8pm to join in with the rest of us, and even Uncle Zoltan turned up for this momentous final demonstration of support.

 

After a few minutes everyone's hands began to hurt from the sustained applause, throats became sore from cheering, arms tired from excessive pot-banging etc and we all trooped back into the house, where we discussed these strange times over mugs of hot chocolate.

 

Once Wilson and Byron had finished their chocolate they excused themselves, saying that they had 'something important' to do.

 

Worryingly, they took Wilson's Book of Brilliant Inventions notebook with them…

 

 

BYRON'S FIRST CANVAS

Nërp has now cut up one of the bedsheets I found in the airing cupboard and fixed it over the stretcher he'd made.

 

I don't know a lot about art, but it looks pretty good to me – I hope Byron will like it.

 

Also in Nerp's workshop (well, it used to be my workshop, but it's full of his stuff now) he found a few tins of paint that hadn't dried up. There aren't many colours, but there's quite a lot of each one, and as soon as lockdown is over I can get some more.

 

They may not be Artist's Colours, but I'm sure I remember reading that Francis Bacon used Dulux™ Household Emulsion in many of his paintings…

 

Also there was even enough wood left over from the pallet for Nërp to make an easel!

 

Anyway, Byron seems very pleased and excited, and that's what counts!

 

 

ON A QUEST

Following my promise to Byron to get him a canvas and some paints, I'm on a Quest to come up with the goods, a Mission to acquire canvas and paints so he can pursue his nascent career as an Artist…

 

I watched some Youtube videos about how to stretch your own canvases and it didn't look too difficult, so I enlisted Nërp for some practical assistance as he's very good with tools and making things.

 

For materials I've given him an old wooden pallet from behind Wilson's Museum, and while he started work on the stretcher I raided the airing cupboard for a white sheet.

 

Nërp is very good at practical things, so I'm sure* he'll come up with something good†!

___________

*Really hoping 🤞

†acceptable

 

 

 

 

BYRON CONSIDERS HIS FUTURE

I finally located Byron and took him to one side for a quiet heart-to-heart about how he sees his future with us.

 

He became very animated and excited at my suggestion, confiding that he had never painted anything in his life, but he would love to give it a try… although he thought just borrowing Wilson's box of Crayolas might be a bit limiting.

 

He told that what he would really love would be a canvas and some liquid paints.

 

In normal times I would have taken him straight down to The Works art supply store in the village, where canvases, paints, gesso and brushes are really affordable… but because of lockdown it's closed.

 

But I've promised Byron I'll do my best to come up with an alternative… and I won't let him down!

 

 

DESPERATELY SEEKING BYRON

Yesterday I said how Byron's knowledge of art is unrivalled – and it got me thinking.

 

I wonder whether he'd like to put his knowledge of art into practice, if he might like to start creating instead of talking about what others have created.

I set off to look for him but was intercepted by Wilson, who said he had a Serious Question to ask me.

 

'Could we,' he asked, 'have a short holiday?'

 

I explained that we were under lockdown and the whole country was forbidden to travel, except to get to work if you couldn't work from home… but he was ready with a counter-argument:

 

'I heard that we can go away on holiday, as long as we've got a young child with us – Antony – and providing we behave Responsibly and with Integrity – and I am both Responsible and Integral!'

 

Before I could formulate a reply, he continued, 'I hear that Durham is beautiful at this time of year, and there's Barnard Castle not far away!' 

 

I had to put my foot down and refuse, explaining that it would be illegal for me to drive up to Durham with him and Antony, because I'm not Dominic Cummings – the man who engineered the Brexit Referendum result and currently the de facto Prime Minister.

 

I know it's unfair, but this is what happens when you have confused messages: you get disappointed anteaters…

 

… among other things.

 

I set off to resume my search for Byron.

 

 

NËRP DOES PICASSO

Now Nërp has joined Wilson and Byron in re-creating a classic painting – he's chosen one of Picasso's Harlequin series.

Byron says that during Picasso's earlier Rose Period, the numerous harlequin paintings represented himself, but in this later 1915 work harlequin's characteristics have been reduced to caricature and the work's Cubist conventions reduce the identifying marks to mere symbols, showing there is no longer an association between the figure and the artist, and it now seems more like a mockery of the form. Picasso has returned to a familiar alter-ego, but the disfigurement suggests this identity is a former one.

  

When it comes to Art, Byron's knowledge is unrivalled – he really was wasted living at the zoo! I'm so pleased that now he can express himself a bit more.

  

I don't know why Nërp chose this particular painting, but I would guess it was so he could wear the Verka Serduchka headdress he's become so attached to!

  

Nërp has asked me to include a full-size copy of his picture so you can print it out and frame it to beautify your home; he says he's quite happy to sign it if you like – but please indicate whether you'd like it signed Nërp or Picasso… 

  

Hmmm 🤔