Wilson has never considered himself a Royalist, but a Royal Wedding presents such an opportunity to (repeatedly) 'Toast the Happy Couple' that he's willing to make an exception on this occasion.
The Happy Couple is being Toasted with a cocktail of Wilson's invention, incorporating (appropriately*) Tequila, and Gin, which W calls The Princess Eu-GIN-ie…
This is apparently a Secret Recipe, but in honour of the joyous occasion W is willing to share it with you:
Mix together equal quantities of
TEQUILA
VODKA
GIN and
RUM
garnish with ANTS and serve – CHEERS!
___________________________
*The groom is a Tequila salesman 🍸
'Look,' I began, 'I'm sorry there were a couple of places we didn't get to visit…'
'Seven places!' Wilson interrupted to correct my arithmetic.
'And I'm as sorry as anyone that we didn't get to them, but there was a cancellation at the hospital that meant I could have my operation sooner than expected.'
W sniffed, but said nothing.
'I suppose we COULD go back to Dorset to finish off the holiday. But,' – and here I played my Ace Card – 'it's getting very near to Hallowe'en, then Bonfire Night, and then Xmas. I just don't think we could fit it all in…'
This hung in the air for a few awkward moments, so to fill the silence I continued, 'However, as soon as the weather improves after Xmas, I'm sure we could manage another holiday – either to Dorset, or maybe to somewhere new.'
Wilson glanced at Nërp, who nodded imperceptibly.
'Yesss!' W replied, punching the air. 'YESSSSS!!!'
Say what you like about him – Wilson is a skilled negotiator!
Now I'm left wondering how he will fill the time between now and our next holiday…
While Wilson stared expectantly at me, I read his list of places we'd not managed to visit:
The New Forest,
Wareham St Martin,
Studland,
Portland Bill,
Weymouth Pier,
Nothe Fort and
Lulworth Cove.
'We did get to the Fleet Air Arm Museum AND the National Motor Museum at Beaulieu!' I reminded him, but he just frowned and tapped the list with one claw…
Wilson listened to my observations about his new business, and took my criticisms pretty well, all things considered.
Excusing himself, he ran off to the tumble dryer, returning with a sheet of paper which he pushed across the table to me.
'This,' he said, 'is a list of places we didn't get to when our holiday was cut short because of your operation. Now that you can see again, I think we should go back to visit them.'
Pausing for a moment, he added, 'And now you've got your new eyes, you'll be able to see them even better than before!'
I have a number of serious misgivings about Wilson and Nërp's new business, ZombieBusters.
I sat the boys down in the dining room (well, Wilson sat – Nërp stood because his legs don't bend) and voiced my thoughts.
Not least of these is that Wilson, along with everyone else, spent the duration of the Zombie Invasion cowering indoors, terrified.
Then there is the small detail that the zombies weren't 'removed' or 'eliminated' – they just left, apparently of their own accord. All that Nërp actually did (and I don't want to minimise his bravery) was establish that there were no zombies in Uckfield.
Finally there is the tricky matter of there not actually having been any zombies in the first place.
Everyone tried to be so brave in the face of what turned out to be an illusory threat that I shall not mention this final point unless I have to…
