AN UNANSWERED PRAYER

Wilson was just discussing with me whether he will be an Ordinary Saint, or a Patron Saint — of Ants, perhaps — when the postman rang at the door to give him a letter postmarked Vatican City. This was what he'd been waiting for so long.

He tore open the envelope with some trepidation, then quickly read the contents…

Wilson took the news much better than I'd expected, expressing only mild disappointment.
He must have a Plan B...

HOLY TOAST

Wilson still hasn't heard from The Vatican, so to pass the time he's framed the Polaroid of the 'Miraculous Image' of his face on a slice of toast. 

He has converted the spare bedroom into what he calls The Reliquary and installed the picture behind curtains, which he will draw apart for a fee.

He's charging 10p to open the drapes — reduced from £2.50 — but he says that the money is all going to a VERY good cause.

I can probably guess what that is! 

Anyway, he's already taken £5.00 off me...

WILSON PREPARES FOR SAINTHOOD

While waiting to hear from the Pope about his application for Sainthood, Wilson is in the kitchen practicing his new signature.

I hope he isn't taking too much for granted — the Holy See is notoriously fastidious about miracles…

WILSON'S ADVENTURE IN THE MAGIC KINGDOM OF DIY

A couple of Wilson's friends have embraced the Rupert the Bear* theme from yesterday and have sent Rhyming Couplets to accompany his adventure: 

     "I'll fix that hole!" our Wilson cries.
     "Please do your best," New Dad replies.

     Wilson knows a cunning way
     A Rupert Annual can save the day.

     "A perfect fit," our Wilson said.
     "And the perfect way to read in bed."

     Young Rupert Bear is full of glee.
     He's right on top for all to see!

They're brilliant, don't you think? Wilson and I LOVE them!

*If you don't know Rupert the Bear, please do Google "Rupert The Bear Annual"  — he's a great British Institution and a nostalgic part of most people's childhood!
[NOT the animated series!]

CONVERSATION PIECE

To pass the time while waiting to hear from the Pope, Wilson has got round to repairing the hole in the ceiling. 

He told me a couple of days ago that in his Museum he had 'the very perfect thing' to repair the hole. I was expecting an offcut of plasterboard [drywall], but what he used was a Rupert the Bear Xmas Annual… and he's hot-glued it to the ceiling, so there's little chance of taking it down.

I tried to conceal my surprise when he showed me the finished job, but he sensed something was wrong.

'I know it's unusual, using a book,' he explained, but it's like a Conversation Piece — and anyway, by the time it's been up there for a year or two, no-one will even notice it any more.'

'Hmmm…' I replied, but he wasn't quite finished. 

'Anyway, don't knock it, New Dad — that was one of my BEST Rupert books!'

I think that, as far as he's concerned, the hole has been repaired and matter is now closed…

IT'S A MIRACLE — POSSIBLY

One of Wilson's friends (who wishes to remain anonymous, to avoid unwanted attention from Network TV) has sent him a photo of a slice of toast bearing what he claims is a 'miraculous image of Wilson'!

W immediately emailed him, asking what had happened to the toast (which he is referring to as the 'miraculous relic') as it might be needed if he ever starts his own religion.

He's just received a reply, saying the toast was eaten with jam and butter, and tasted 'delicious.' This has been a bit of a blow, but nevertheless W feels he has sufficient evidence of the 'blessed miracle' to convince all but the most non-gullible.

He's writing to The Pope right now, enquiring how much Sainthood would cost and whether there's an age limit for it… and a salary.