12/05/2012

Birthday tea


Tea yesterday was a quiet affair attended by Birthday Boy Wilson, Diesel the Goldfish, Antony the Toy Anteater and me. 
After tea, we went to see Oliver! at the theatre - W's first experience of a live performance! Pictures of that tomorrow...

11/05/2012

Birthday Boy!


WILSON'S BIRTHDAY!
Up shortly before dawn, woken by a very excited Wilson! His presents included a stripey top, two robot construction kits and a toy electric car. He's wearing his top now, and playing with his car; he's decided to leave the robot kits until he's a bit less overexcited, lest he lose some of the parts.
He received birthday cards from his family (I'd written to Mrs Vermilingua telling her the date of Boo's Official Birthday) … and from the secret admirer who previously sent W a Valentine's Day card. 
Inside this mysterious card, the writer said that she'd really enjoyed the Titanic: The Film red-carpet premier - who can she be?

10/05/2012

Antony learns of his past and his future...


Wilson has spent the whole day so far practicing and developing his 'gift' by giving Antony numerous Psychic Readings. He's told him about his previous lives and predicted great things for his future.
Poor Antony - his little kapok-filled head must be spinning!


09/05/2012

Séance...


Wilson has just given me a psychic reading. He drew the curtains and sat me in the now semi-darkened living room, welcomed me to the séance then started pacing up and down.
'I'm getting an "S"' he said. 'Does that mean anything to anyone here? Anyone in this [gesturing towards me] part of the room? Anyone at all?' 
He fixed me with a penetrating stare, and reluctantly I raised my hand and said, 'Yes.'
'Your supposed to jump up shout, "Yes, it's my dad!" New Dad - that's how cold reading works!' he admonished me, testily.
'You already know it's my dad. You know everything about him. We've talked about him,' I objected.
'Well he has a message for you,' W continued, unfazed. 'He says he is very happy on the other side. Okay, now I'm getting a "T". Anyone?'
This puzzled me. I don't know anyone starting with a T, so I kept my hand firmly down and said nothing.
W then went down onto all fours, waved his tail in the air and started speaking in a funny voice. At first he miaowed like a cat, then in a squeaky tone he said, 'I apologise for the incident with the goldfish.'
Then he straightened up and staggered around for a bit looking dazed, before asking me, 'What happened? Did I say anything?'
'You crawled on the floor and made cat noises' I told him.
'Ah, my Spirit Guide tells me that I was possessed by your first cat, Timmy. He is very happy in the Spirit Realm, and there are plenty of mice. Please don't worry about him.'
I assured W that I would definitely not worry about the long-dead Timmy.

I really can't see people paying good money to watch this tosh, but W is confident. As always. 
And I have to admit… he's no worse than Derek Acorah!

08/05/2012

Wilson Yodafies his speech...


Wilson has decided that the way forward is Psychic Mediumship, and has ordered some books about Cold Reading from Amazon. Once he's read them he plans to take his Psychic Roadshow on tour.
He has never seen any of the Star Wars movies, but the current Vodafone TV ads show Yoda, and W thinks that Yoda's speech patterns would strike the right note of inscrutability to his so-called psychic communications from beyond the grave. To this end, he practices it constantly to make himself fluent.  Annoying it is, very. Stop it, make him I must. Myself, doing it I am, D'oh!

07/05/2012

Reality hits...


Wilson is a bit down today. He hasn't heard back from any of the Hollywood Executives to which he'd offered Titanic: The Film, and he's admitted that it will have to be a straight-to-DVD release. Henceforth, he told me, it will be known as Titanic: The Film: The DVD. Right now he's busy with his box of crayons designing a disk label and case wrapper for it.
It's not long until his birthday, though -- I hope that gives him something to look forward to and will cheer him up!

06/05/2012

The Premiere!


Last night, Wilson held his Red Carpet Premiere for Titanic: The Film. All of Uckfield's glitterati were in attendance: The Mayor, Antony, a rather ill-mannered reporter from the Uckfield Examiner (who complained constantly and loudly about the refreshments) and some curious onlookers. 
W told me that James Cameron had sent his apologies (although that seems a little unlikely) and Downing Street had asked why David Cameron hadn't received an invitation. I'm sorry there wasn't time to invite you, but it had perforce to be a last-minute arrangement before the management of The Picture House got wind of it.
As promised generous portions of ant-based snacks and Ant Wine were provided, and W signed a lot of autographs for the hospital A&E nurses and doctors as he kindly accompanied some of the guests to the hospital while they had their stomachs pumped.