Séance...

Wilson has just given me a psychic reading. He drew the curtains and sat me in the now semi-darkened living room, welcomed me to the séance then started pacing up and down.

'I'm getting an "S"' he said. 'Does that mean anything to anyone here? Anyone in this [gesturing towards me] part of the room? Anyone at all?' 

He fixed me with a penetrating stare, and reluctantly I raised my hand and said, 'Yes.'

'Your supposed to jump up shout, "Yes, it's my dad!" New Dad - that's how cold reading works!' he admonished me, testily.

'You already know it's my dad. You know everything about him. We've talked about him,' I objected.

'Well he has a message for you,' W continued, unfazed. 'He says he is very happy on the other side. Okay, now I'm getting a "T". Anyone?'

This puzzled me. I don't know anyone starting with a T, so I kept my hand firmly down and said nothing.

W then went down onto all fours, waved his tail in the air and started speaking in a funny voice. At first he miaowed like a cat, then in a squeaky tone he said, 'I apologise for the incident with the goldfish.'

Then he straightened up and staggered around for a bit looking dazed, before asking me, 'What happened? Did I say anything?'

'You crawled on the floor and made cat noises' I told him.

'Ah, my Spirit Guide tells me that I was possessed by your first cat, Timmy. He is very happy in the Spirit Realm, and there are plenty of mice. Please don't worry about him.'

I assured W that I would definitely not worry about the long-dead Timmy.

I really can't see people paying good money to watch this tosh, but W is confident. As always. 

And I have to admit… he's no worse than Derek Acorah!