Wilson has told me that 'A few minor side-effects' are a small price to pay for losing 18 pounds in less than a week, but with regret he has decided to withhold publication of his Celebrity Diet Book, for fear of legal action.
'We live in a Litigious Society, New Dad!' he told me, shaking his head sadly. 'Unscrupulous people will try to sue over the tiniest thing. I know this, because I've tried it myself…'
What with the diet making me too weak to move, I've not spent much time in the garden lately, but this morning I took a stroll outside to get some fresh air – imagine my shock when I noticed that Wilson's Museum was missing!
I called to him, 'Wilson! Wilson! Come quickly – someone has stolen your Museum!'
A moment later he arrived, looking very businesslike in a parka and a hard hat and carrying a clipboard, to tell me that the Museum Rebuild had started.
I fear for the future of my lovely garden…
Wilson has suffered a bit of a setback with his Celebrity Diet Book: side effects.
He told me that having carefully observed me, although my weight loss was 'Excellent' there were one or two 'unexpected' problems including, but not limited to:
• Ravenous hunger
• Mood swings
• Fainting
• Dizzyness
• Loss of interest in things
• Vomiting
• Sunken eyes
• Loss of co-ordination
• Hallucinations
• Passing out
To me these sound like the symptoms of starvation (which would not surprise me in the least) but I can't help but wonder if some of the Diet Foods Wilson has fed me may have disagreed with me.
I'm thinking in particular of the Dried Dung Beetles, but I even felt a bit queasy after yesterday's Scorpion Lollipop…
You probably noticed that yesterday was Chinese New Year.
I had hoped I would be allowed a day off from my diet so I could eat a few of the snacks Wilson provided at his Chinese New Year's Party, but sadly that was not to be. He told me that sometimes he had to be cruel to be kind…
Today, though, all my pain and sacrifice seemed worthwhile when Wilson accompanied me into the bathroom, weighed me and told me I am doing 'very well' – so well, apparently, that he has named me Slimmer Of The Week and rewarded me with a special treat snack.
It's a Scorpion Lollipop.
By way of encouragement, he says there are 'plenty more where that came from' if I can keep up my excellent rate of weight-loss.
Also – as a special concession – he handed me a leftover Fortune Cookie. It said:
'I cannot help you, for I am just a cookie…'
Wilson, in the spirit of never willingly missing a chance to party, would like to wish you all a Very Happy Chinese New Year!
We are just entering the Year Of The Pig, and although Wilson loves pigs (he thinks they're 'Well Cute') he's been waiting patiently for it to be the Year Of The Anteater.
From what little I know of the Chinese Zodiac, I predict he's going to have a long wait – but he says that if next year isn't the turn of the Anteaters he's going to declare it to be so unilaterally…
Wilson has just proudly shown me the final cover artwork for his Celebrity Diet Book, although the contents are still being decided upon.
During what he calls the Diet Testing Phase, he is writing down the recipe of everything he prepares for me, and giving it a score out of ten according to how much of it I can force down.
I asked Wilson, if I really can Eat As Much As I Like, how will I lose weight?
In reply, he touched the side of his nose wisely and and explained that eating as much as you liked was the beauty of the whole Diet Plan: the dishes weren't very tasty, so dieters wouldn't want to eat much of them.
I can confirm, from what I've tasted, that is indeed the case.
In fact some of the recipes are so loathsome and abominable I didn't even want to taste them once, let alone have a second mouthful… although to be fair, I have already lost a few pounds!
Before Wilson publishes his Diet Book, he wants to try out his dietary method on me.
I protested that I was not yet fully recovered from my recent illness, but he would brook no objection, telling me rather that I would heal faster if I could shed a few Kg.
He's got a lot of Dietary Ingredients lined up in the kitchen, and I have to say, I don't like the sound of them.
Nor the smell.
Nor the size of the saucepan – I hope he doesn't make too much, for I know I shall have to finish up whatever he prepares…
For goodness, sake, he's got a pot of Dried Dung Beetles there – he say's they're to add 'piquancy'!
