07/04/2018

WILSON COOKS A SPECIAL DINNER

I have been (temporarily) re-admitted to the kitchen, although what the boys refer to in lowered voices as ‘The Apparatus’ remains concealed under a layer of tea-towels.

Wilson and Byron are busy preparing what they assure me will be ‘an unusual and exciting meal’ for dinner tonight. 


I’m not sure how keen I am on ‘unusual’ – I’m guessing, from observing the ingredients surrounding the Food Mixer, that Honey, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey Liqueur and Ants will be the principal ingredients. 


In Wilson’s opinion, those (together with Gin, of course, which will probably be served with dessert) constitute the perfect healthy diet.


I’m also a little concerned by Uncle Zoltan’s presence, no doubt acting in an Advisory Capacity. Uncle Z says he once stung Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay, which obviously now qualifies him as a Culinary Maven



06/04/2018

NO-GO ZONE

Wilson and Byron have nipped round to Tesco for ‘secret ingredients,’ leaving Nërp in charge of the newly-installed ‘secret equipment’ – which is making a noise not unlike a cement mixer.

While they were safely out of the way, I tapped on the kitchen door. Nërp replied: ‘It is forbidden to enter, Wilson’s New Dad – please leave the area!


Persisting, I asked if I could just have a quick word with him. After a few moments the door opened a crack, his body blocking my view of whatever might be going on within.


I asked Nërp if he had any idea what was going on.


He replied that the Laws of Robotics forbade him from divulging to me anything that had been flagged with the property ‘Secret’ and the contents of the Amazon box, together with its ultimate purpose, had been so flagged. 


‘Forgive me for not being Bender from Futurama,’ he continued. ‘If I were, I would doubtless have “spilled the beans” in return for a bottle of beer and a cigar. But I am not. I think Wilson is disappointed that I am not – I suspect he would find Bender more… simpatico. More… amusant.’ He chuckled to himself – an unnerving, mechanical noise. ‘Amusant. AmusANT – did you see what I did there? Oh, never mind.’


So, I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I don’t much like waiting and seeing – it makes me nervous.



04/04/2018

SECRET EQUIPMENT INSTALLATION

My own experience of parcels from Amazon is that they’re usually composed of 95% Air and Bubble Wrap.

A box the size of a suitcase arrives, you open it, remove 500m of grey packing paper and eventually find your actual purchase – a nail file, perhaps, or a pencil – hiding at the bottom.


Wilson’s delivery, however, seems to be in another league entirely, so heavy that even Nërp had difficulty carrying it into the kitchen. 


Before the outer box had been opened, I was hustled out of the room and instructed not to return for the time being, while the ‘equipment’ was being ‘installed’ and ‘tested’…




02/04/2018

GOOD MONDAY

There was much celebration (and overeating) when the Easter Eggs were distributed yesterday.

The sTone Brothers, Neil, Dave and Mole have all taken their eggs into the dining room, where it’s a lot quieter, and Uncle Zoltan has scuttled back to his hive with his.


Nërp is still confused about the association between Jesus dying, Rabbits and Chocolate Eggs. At first his Display Screen bore a flashing message, “Totes Sorry For Your Loss” but Wilson convinced him that it was a bit inappropriate – although he couldn’t explain why to
Nërp's satisfaction.

In other news, Wilson was very relieved to wake this morning to the news that the Chinese Space Station Tiangong-1 has crashed to Earth somewhere that isn’t Uckfield



01/04/2018

BEE'S BLOG – GOOD SUNDAY

Hello! Welcome to April, and a very happy Good Sunday

I am Polly the Bee, and this is our… well, MY Guest Blog.

As you know, I would normally be addressing you with my Significant Other – Billi – but she is busy negotiating a Top Secret Deal with Wilson, so today I am Flying Solo! 


Billi is a much better negotiator than me, so I leave her to do what she’s best at: playing hard-ball!


I would love tell you all about this contract, but if i TOLD you, I’d have to STING you! Haha! So I won’t. Just kidding.


Anyway, I’ve been Polly the Bee, and Billi the Bee sends her love. We’ll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEE GOOD