Another of the Sloth Party's Manifesto Pledges is to Make Uckfield Great!
I happen to think Ucky is already pretty great, so I asked Wilson exactly what he meant by 'Great', for I suspect the is using the slogan Make Uckfield Great in the sense 'Make Wilson Rich' – and I was not disappointed.
'Well,' Wilson explained, 'There will be top quality Make Uckfield Great merchandise: baseball caps, badges and… well, mugs. Would you like one? I can let you have it at mate's rates – let's call it £10.'
I declined, saying that I had no wish to wear a baseball cap proclaiming me as a MUG – enough people already hold that opinion of me, without me wearing a hat confirming it. 😕
W countered that if everyone in Uckfield wore a MUG cap and drunk their coffee out of a reusable MUG mug, it would be a clear statement of intention, and might even make the National tv News channels.
I can't argue with that…
At first I assumed this proposed wall was to be constructed as a Tourist Attraction in the manner of the Great Wall of China, or perhaps Hadrian's Wall, but it is apparently to be erected in the village near the skateboard park for the use of graffiti artists.
Never having been one to let the grass grow under his paws, work on constructing the wall has already begun: in spite of the inclement weather, Wilson (Architect), Byron (Senior Brick Layer) and Antony (Foreman and Site Safety Officer) are all down at the Skate Park hard at work architecting, brick-laying, foreman-ing and site safetying – whatever that actually means.
Another of The Sloth Party's Manifesto Pledges is – inconceivably – to build a WALL.
Wilson assures me that it will be 'A Magnificent wall. A Beautiful wall. A Great wall: The Great Wall Of Uckfield!'
I asked whether the Mexicans are going to pay for it, but Wilson appeared not to understand the reference.
After discussing this most improbable of plans for a few minutes, Wilson asked me, 'Do you think the Mexicans WOULD pay for it?'
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Wilson is very excited to report that his Blog has received an all-time total of 70,000 hits!
Please tell all your friends so he can go on to reach the target he's set his heart on: 100,000.
With the Royal Crisis out of the way, Wilson's attention has returned to his newly-formed Sloth Party.
In an attempt to understand his Party's platform, I asked whether 'Sloth' was being used in the sense of 'Reluctance To Work' or to describe the slow-moving South American mammal?
'The mammal, of course! Wilson replied, 'Sloths are super-cute and V popular right now, as are Llamas and Alpacas – hence the alliance! But never forget,' he added, 'indolence is a Great Virtue!'
I then enquired how he intended to get rich from this enterprise, and he explained, 'In the same way as Mr Trump, but without the lying, the cheating, the nepotism, the racism or the imprisonment of little children – unlike him, I am not a total monster!'
What does that leave, I wonder? I hope it's not a Hotel or a Golf Course.
'Watch and learn, New Dad,' he continued, 'Watch and learn – I have many policies in my… well, our Manifesto. Many, many wonderful policies! Tremendous policies! Believe me!'
He ruffled his hair disarmingly, a very Boris gesture. I fear he's quite good at this…
I don't like to mention that Trump, in common with most of our previous Tory Prime Ministers, is rich because he inherited his wealth – often from parents who are crooks and/or tax-evaders – because I wouldn't want to discourage him in his political awakening.
