I persuaded Wilson to have a practice race before he spends any money on his website, advertising etc.
He set up his webcam, placed a pile of sugar cubes at the end of his little race track and placed six Racing Ants behind the Start line.
Pandemonium ensued.
Before Wilson had even said, 'Get ready… Steady… GO!' the ants had started scampering around in random directions (one even taking flight) while Antony – who had been put in charge of guarding the sugar cubes – and Wilson ran about in pursuit trying to catch them.
After a few minutes, W and Antony gave up looking for the miniature athletes, and it wasn't until much later that they were discovered, sated and too full to move, sitting under the sugar cubes with smiles on their tiny faces…
It turns out that ants, unlike racehorses and greyhounds, are harder to train than you might think.
I don't know why I was the only person not surprised to learn this simple fact…
Wilson has just proudly shown me the logo for his new On-Line Ant Racing project, ANTrack.
It's good – actually it's very good – but I can't help thinking it looks the tiniest bit familiar.
Then he confided the secret behind his ant-racing plan, the secret that is guaranteed to make it a sure-fire money earner: the races won't be shown live.
'No tv is LIVE live any more – it always has a few minutes delay built in, in case someone swears or dies – you don't believe Strictly Come Dancing is LIVE live, do you? They use a thing they call the Seven Second Delay, or the Dump Box!'
I confessed that I had believed that Strictly was indeed live. He greeted this with a withering look that clearly showed my levels of naiveté had reached a new high.
'Anyway,' he continued, 'Our Live Ant Racing will be just a little bit less live than that – there'll be just enough of a time delay that we can see which ant wins before we set the odds! We'll be trousering a fortune!'
This morning Wilson invited me into his library to pitch his new idea to me.
I knew I had been right to expect the worst when, having softened me up with a glass of ant gin, he announced that his idea is: On-line Ant Racing.
He showed me a little race track he'd made, explaining that the ants would start at one end and race towards a sugar cube strategically placed at the other.
'People place on-line bets on the ants, then we show the race live,'
He paused for a moment – I thought he looked a little bit shifty at this point, but I said nothing.
'Then we pay out on the winning bets,' he continued, 'and bank the profits! Sweet or what?'
This is wrong on so many levels, but I can foresee such a multitude of practical and logistical problems that at this stage I'm prepared to let him carry on with his plans, in hopes that they will never come to fruition…
Wilson eventually emerged from the library in time to supervise the lighting of the fireworks, although he remained tight-lipped about what he'd been doing.
Naturally, I fear the worst.
Anyway, the fireworks display was a great success, passing off without incident or injury.
TT had to be accompanied indoors when any bangers were lit, but apart from that everyone had a wonderful time, and when the pyrotechnics had ended for another year potatoes were baked and marshmallows toasted in the bonfire, all washed down with Mulled Ant Gin!
I hope your Fireworks Night was as successful as ours!
With Hallowe'en out of the way there's only Guy Fawkes' Night to go before we're on the downhill slope to Xmas.
In an unusual break with tradition, Wilson asked me to pop down to the firework shop and choose something as he was 'too busy' working!
He's also delegated Bonfire Building duties to Nërp, with strict instructions to check each piece of wood for insects, and the bonfire as a whole for hedgehogs.
I think Nërp has made a big mistake in asking Uncle Zoltan for bonfire-building advice, but he'll learn…
All this delegation is most unlike Wilson – I hope he can make time in his busy schedule to come and watch the fireworks with the rest of us tonight!
