TT's COMEDY NITE

Tiny Toy is missing the opportunity to perform at live gigs so, like many other comedians, he has resorted to on-line performances.

 

To celebrate the Summer Solstice he has borrowed Wilson's laptop, set up some lights and started to stream his show:

Hello! Good evening! I'm Tiny Toy – I may be tiny, but at least I don’t have to bend down to tie my shoelaces… which is nice.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger – but then it hit me.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Think about it. Not for too long…

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot. Just like your enthusiastic applause does… even though I can't hear it…

Oh, I've just seen the clock, and it's high time I was going – oh hang on, it's not a clock, it's a barometer… in which case it's high pressure I was going.

Thank you! Thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and I hope you've been a wonderful audience! Goodnight!

When he came off stage (ie climbed off the laptop) he said it was very difficult working online without any audience feedback, but that wouldn't deter him.

 

What a little trouper!

 

 

THE ONE WHERE sTONEYE GOES TO THE OPTICIAN

Following sTony's recent visit to the dentist, sToneye – perhaps feeling a bit left out – expressed a desire to have an eye test.

 

Consequently, Wilson and Byron have taken both sTone Brothers round to the opticians in the village – reasoning that this would be safer than the 'Dominic Cummings Eye Test' where we'd just let sToneye drive around in the car to see whether he hit anything.

 

After a few minutes in the waiting area they were called into the consulting room where, with the optician's help, sToneye took a seat in the examination chair.

 

As soon as he sat down it was obvious there was a problem.

 

The optician was very apologetic, saying that while they frequently treated patients with only one eye, their equipment was not optimised for cyclopean consultations.

 

She continued to test sToney's vision by simply holding the test lenses in front of his single ocular organ, while sTony sat in the half-light anxiously asking, 'What's going on? Is everything alright? Are you okay, bro?' 

 

Eventually the optometrist pronounced sToneye to have 'Excellent' sight and not in need of any corrective visual aid.

 

She also waived the fee for the examination, in view of any embarrassment their lack of facilities may have caused, which I thought was very fair.

 

IN OTHER NEWS, Tiny Toy says he has something 'Amazing and Astonishing' planned for tomorrow!

I wouldn't expect too much – when all's said and done, he is a plush toy's plush toy…

 

 

AN IRATE TELEPHONE CALL

Now that non-essential shops, zoos and safari parks have re-opened, Wilson reasons that it can't be long until art galleries also get the go-ahead and he will finally be able to re-open The Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery.

 

This morning he was in Nërp's workshop monitoring his brother Byron's progress, as he's anxious to mount a Byron Vermilingua Retrospective Exhibition as a re-opening event.

 

He'd just finished exhorting Byron to paint faster when he received a phone call… from his mum.

 

His face fell, as calls from Mrs V usually mean he's in some kind of trouble, but this time she had just phoned to complain about the crowds at the zoo.

 

After the call ended he told me that his mother had apparently grown used to the zoo being closed and having no visitors during lockdown, but suddenly there was once again a 'constant procession of slack-jawed mouth-breathers and rude children filing past' gawping at her and her family.

 

According to Mrs V, some of them even make personal remarks about her appearance and her 'funny nose'!

 

 

RECIPE RESEARCH

Wilson and Byron are still raving about Everything Ant, the new shop in the village and saying how 'Totes peng!' it is… which I assume is a good thing.

 

Today they have commandeered the kitchen while they invent a new recipe which they hope to sell through Everything Ant.

 

Their recipe is for a cooking and marinading Ant Sauce which, according to the packet, is 'Delicious' and like their Mum used to make.

 

Wilson is always telling me what a terrible cook Mrs V was, but I suppose that's not something you want to mention in the advertising… although judging from the smells emerging from the kitchen, I can well believe it!

 

 

Ant Wars 2: SWAG BAG

The boys are back from Everything Ant, with a bag full of booty.

 

'They asked me to take round some of the books I've written, so they can stock them!' Wilson told me breathlessly.

 

Byron added, 'And they liked our Snoot Animal Face Masks so much they've placed an order for 20!'

 

While they continued unpacking their shopping I put them in an even better mood with the news that their Blog has now passed 75000 hits!

 

I don't wish to bring them down when they're so happy and excited, but privately I can't help wondering how sound a business model such a shop is, particularly at a time when the high street is in such dire straits, and in a village with only two potential customers.

 

But time will tell…

 

EVERYTHING ANT

Today lockdown is lifted to the extent that non-essential shops in England can reopen.

 

It is also the day that marks the opening of the new shop in the High Street that has so caught Wilson's and Byron's imaginations: Everything Ant.

 

First thing this morning Wilson and Byron set off together in a state of high excitement.

 

I think they should be safe as they're both wearing Snoot Animal Face Masks, and to err on the side of caution Nërp insisted that they take his Sniff-'n'-Trace iPhone App with them too.

 

Wilson has my VISA card, but I've made him swear not to spend more than £10.

 

 

TROLLS WORLD TOUR

As darkness fell we set off for the drive-in cinema set up in the village park.

As none of us had ever been to a drive-in before, excitement levels were pretty high.
  

We took Nërp with us too, because he'd never been to any sort of cinema before and was curious to experience the difference between the cinema and television, and Jīqìrén because Nërp thought she would enjoy it.
  

Wilson and Byron sat in the front seats so they would get a good view, while I sat in the back with Nërp and Jīqìrén for company – it was a bit of a squash.
  

The movie was about as dire as I had feared and I did my best to sleep through it, but I was constantly woken by Nërp chuckling, explaining things to Jīqìrén or pointing out plot inconsistencies to me.
  

The lads seemed to enjoy it, though, and at least it briefly took their minds off visiting the Everything Ant shop tomorrow.