My Study has been spared! YAY!
The boys have chosen NOT to establish their DNS International World Headquarters in my Study, after all – Wilson told me that it's just too cramped and untidy, and didn't give the 'right impression'.
Instead they've set up in the Dining Room, where they've called a Press Conference.
This is to Unveil their Company to the world… and to reveal that they will be giving away two new and unique drug names, in order to demonstrate the kind of prestige operation they are running!
However, Wilson has made it perfectly clear that this is, as he put it, 'Strictly a one-off, a Gesture of Goodwill to introduce our Totes Amazeballs service to the world of Big Pharma!' and all future drug names will be charged at the Usual Rates.
Present at the Press Conference are Proprietor Wilson, Principal Associate Byron, CFO Antony, Marketing Director TT, Technical Advisor Nërp and Pterry (because he cries if he's left alone).
I've just been to the Car Wash to get the Juke a complete interior valet.
This didn't entirely remove the smell of formalin, but the nice lady at the pay desk took pity on me and gave me a free Watermelon Air Freshener (Extra Strength) – and agreed to safely dispose of Wilson's home-made Magic Tree for me in their Hazardous Waste bin.
Arriving home, I was very surprised to learn that Uckfield is now a major player in the Pharmaceutical Industry!
A Brass Plate, which Wilson had just finished fixing to the wall, informed me that our house is now the World Headquarters of Vermilingua+Associates Drug Naming Services!
Of course, this isn't Wilson's first time at the Big Pharma Rodeo – long-time readers may remember his Brave Little Dude sticking plasters, with their mission statement: Bringing Succour To A Suffering World...
W tried to allay my immediate fears by explaining that, having learned from past mistakes, he would not this time be rushing to lease prestigious office space – until his fledgling Drug Naming Services business takes off, he and Byron will just be working from home.
There goes my Study, then, I'm guessing…
Whether due to the Miraculous Healing Powers of Wilson's 'Splashdown™® Hangover Cure' (as he and Byron believe) or merely the passage of time (my own theory) both boys were up bright and early today – accompanied by an acrid and unpleasant smell.
'Mmm – you smell great today, New Dad!' Wilson greeted me, 'New aftershave?'
He sniffed theatrically, then added, 'Oh wait a minute – it must be the seductive and alluring aroma of our new Car Air Freshener!'
From behind his back he withdrew one of the home-made Magic Tree-type Air Fresheners he and Byron had made a few days ago, and held it out to me proudly.
'It's time for the Testing Phase – we'll go and hang this in the car and wait for you – don't be long!'
In order to test the air freshener's efficacy we all drove round to the local Sewage Farm – I kept the windows wound down as the overpowering formalin fumes were making my eyes water so much I could barely see to drive.
Reaching our destination, the aroma of partially-treated effluent came almost as a welcome relief…
Apparently feeling a little the worse for wear following yesterday's Moon Landing Party, Wilson and Byron shuffled in to breakfast very late this morning.
Declining my offer of cereal, pannini and scrambled eggs on toast, Wilson announced that he had invented a hangover cure which he has named Splashdown, which he and Byron were about to test.
It seems to be one of the Rules Of Life that the older one gets, the more tablets one needs to take each day – year by year the number of prescription capsules and tabs I neck each day seem to increase alarmingly…
I noticed Wilson queasily observing me as I downed the first phase of my day's supply of medication.
'Woah!' he exclaimed, 'you'll never catch me taking that many tablets – I'll just stick with my Splashdown Hangover Cure…'
Drawing closer, his lips moved silently as he tried to pronounce the unfamiliar and outlandish names of the drugs.
Byron asked, 'Excuse me, Wilson's New Dad, but who makes up these weird names?'
'Somebody at the Drug Company, I suppose,' I replied, adding, 'I once read that giving a drug a good name is nearly as difficult as inventing the drug in the first place!'
I thought I saw Wilson smile approvingly at Byron – but I was probably mistaken.
Both lads downed their Splashdowns, grimaced, gathered up Antony, TT and Pterry between them and wandered off looking thoughtful – something which, I have come to learn, rarely bodes well…
Here's a nice photo of yesterday's Moon Landing Party in full swing!
At the height of the proceedings, Uncle Zoltan wandered in to complain about the noise and enquire what all the commotion was about.
Wilson explained about the party and reluctantly invited Uncle Z to stay.
'Moon Landings?' Uncle Z replied incredulously, 'You still believe in all that stuff? It's Fake News, dear boy! The so-called "moon landings" were filmed on a movie set on Area 51, and Stanley Kubrick was the Director – it's a well known fact!'
His scepticism didn't prevent him from tucking in to a large slice of Moon Cake, which he judged greatly inferior to the cake he would have baked – had he been asked…
Throughout this, Nërp maintained a strict neutrality and continued running his Lunar Module Landing Demonstrations – hoisting a Lego Lunar Lander up to the ceiling on a length of string, then lowering it slowly to the floor while counting out how many seconds of fuel remained.
Each time the Lander settled on 'Tranquility Base' he would announce gravely, 'Houston – the Eagle has landed!'
Following each successful touchdown, Pterry would cry excitedly, 'Again! Do it again, Uncle Nërp!'
