Everyone gathered in the living room this morning to watch the Royal Wedding on tv.
Wilson was very surprised to see how young and pretty Meghan Markle looked, as he had been under the impression that Prince Harry was going to marry Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor.
Polly and Billi reminisced happily about their own wedding, but it brought back some painful memories for Uncle Zoltan, jilted at the altar those many years ago…
When the Revivalist Preacher started into his second half hour, going on about fire and brimstone, some of the younger children started shouting, ‘Gimme an Amen, brothers an sisters!’
The Bees tried to shush them, but soon we were all giggling, and even some of the congregation on tv had trouble controlling their mirth and... well, disbelief.
Wilson says he hopes Prince Harry will be as happy with Princess Meghan as he himself would have been with his own fiancée, Ms Caroline Katz… if she had ever replied to his Proposal of Marriage email.
Following the unpleasantness between W and HM Queen Elizabeth II, Wilson isn’t a very enthusiastic Royalist.
However, he will embrace the Royal Family to the extent that it might supplement his pocket money, so just in time for the Royal Wedding he has launched a small range of Sophisticated Wedding Souvenirs, starting with that traditional best-seller, the Souvenir Mug.
He was very surprised by how expensive licenced photographs of Harry and Meghan were, so he has produced his own image of the Happy Couple, which he confidently asserts is ‘just as good’ as a photograph – ‘if not better!’
Antony is included in the photograph, partly to give scale, and partly because he is feeling a bit overshadowed by TT’s recent Showbiz Triumph.
If you’re thinking of buying one of W’s mugs, my Top Tip would be: take great care washing it because, although he used waterproof markers, the picture just might rub off a bit…
The Happy Ant Diner was only ever intended as a pop-up establishment, and this is your last chance to visit.
No food will be served today, due to Wilson and Byron both being exhausted, but Nërp will be happy to meet your every drinking need.
Wilson actually left a note on the door, reading, ‘Biro and me aren’t feeling very Worky today…’ and I think he found the profession of Chef to be much more arduous and tiring than he’d expected.
Even on the first night he confided to me, ‘Phew – I can see now why Gordon Ramsay is so Sweary!’
As TT took to his hand-made Lego stage, Wilson remarked, ‘Mister Juicy would have loved this – I’m so sad he’s not here to see it…’
TT tapped his microphone and began:
Hello, good evening, it’s lovely to see you all here! What do you think of the place, eh? “The Happy Ant” – we were going to open next door to a nuclear power plant; then we’d have called it “Fission Chips.”
Speaking of restaurants, I received some bad news whilst eating a curry at an Indian Restaurant: my naan had slipped into a korma.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married... and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer...
Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
I went to the corner shop — bought four corners.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
We know the location of the Big Apple, but do we know where the Minneapolis?
They're always telling me to live my dreams – but I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for...
So, there was a mathematician who had a cattle farm. He had 198 cows, but when he rounded them up he had 200!
As a child, I had an obsession with Posh Spice — it cost my mum a fortune in saffron...
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool — I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" — so whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience – totally lacking a sense of humour, but in every other way, just wonderful!
If you’ve enjoyed the show, I’ve been Tiny Toy, and this is The Happy Ant Diner. If you haven’t enjoyed it, I’m Jim Davidson and this is The Railway Tavern – I love you all.
But before I go, I’d like to leave you with this thought: Always remember you’re unique... just like everyone else.
Thank you, goodnight!
The Grand Opening Firework Display went well enough – in the sense that nobody caught fire – and now Wilson and Byron are behind the bar welcoming their first customers to the Diner.
Tiny Toy will be performing Stand Up Comedy later, and as they arrive customers are handed a legal document to complete.
All diners will be asked to sign a disclaimer to the effect that, if TT makes them laugh so much they choke on their food, TT, Wilson, Byron and the entire management of The Happy Ant Diner shall not be held responsible in any way, shape, manner or form.
Anyone refusing to sign will be told not to listen to TT’s jokes.
