Wilson and I both receive mail

As Doctor Who once said, we are now Halfway Through the Dark. And not a moment too soon — we've both had enough of this miserable weather!

Wilson is a bit miffed, having received an anonymous Christmas card from his 'Secret Admirer.'

'This totally does my nut in, New Dad!' he declared. 'Every birthday, every Valentine's day and every Xmas it's the same! Who can be sending them?'

He thought for a moment, then added, 'It had better not be my Mum, Mrs Vermilingua!'

In the same delivery I was very relieved to receive an envelope containing Wilson's main Christmas present. I'd begun to fear it wouldn't arrive in time, but now it's safely here I can relax. 

I think he's going to love it!

A letter from the Mayor...

In this morning's post, Wilson received a brief note from the Mayor's secretary saying that the Mayor thanks Wilson for his interest. However he is very busy right now campaigning for Boris Island Airport so is too occupied to consider W's dung beetle scheme at present.

W was understandably disappointed by this, but was a little cheered when, in the same delivery, he received a big bundle of identical Christmas cards from his family. He had forgotten to buy any cards himself, so we rushed out to choose some. 

As usual, all the cards will be exactly the same, but he told me that he will put a special message inside Byron's card.

Christmas Cracker

Wilson decided to spend all his carol singing earnings of £1.62 on a giant cracker. He tried to swap the unwanted six Liquorice Allsorts for a bag of popcorn, but the lady on the checkout was unwilling to trade, so I treated him to that. I'll probably be able to dispose of the liquorice unobserved.
 

During the trip home W said that he had been considering his friend Serena's suggestion, and reached a decision: rather than using Skype, which would require his real-time presence, he and his choir would make a video!
 

'I will distribute this digital dose of Seasonal Good Cheer via YouTube and Vimeo etc, and charge a small fee per view through PayPal. I shall be rich after all!'

This should keep him out of mischief, I suppose, so long as it's not as ambitious a production as his last video epic, Titanic — The Film…

Decorations for Xmas

Wilson eventually emerged from his bed, declaring himself exhausted and vowing never to sing another carol.
 

'It's just too draining, New Dad!' he announced, 'I just can't keep it up! At heart, I am a member of the Great Sloth Dynasty, and we're simply not suited to this much work!'
 

I tried to lift his mood by taking him to the Garden Centre to choose some decorations, and on the drive out I mentioned that one of his friends, Serena, had suggested that he might do his carol singing by means of Skype, so that he and his choir need never leave the house. Moreover, because of the wonder of time zones, he could do it whenever he felt like it, regardless of the time here in Uckfield.
 

He received this in silence, but I could tell that he was mulling it over. 

Wilson goes carol singing

Before he went to bed last night, I had a brief chat with Wilson on his return from his first evening of carol singing. He said that his schedule of house visits had turned out to be a bit optimistic, and that people didn't care for his Rate Card of suggested donations.
 

In spite of being out all evening, he managed to visit only three houses! At the first house there was no reply (although W suspects they were hiding under the table and just pretending to be out); at the second house everyone was very appreciative, but gave him only £1.50; and at the third house the door was opened by an old lady who invited him and his choir in and gave them all mince pies and hot chocolate in front of a log fire.
 

'She was a very nice old lady,' Wilson conceded, 'and we spent a couple of hours with her, chatting. But as we were leaving she handed each of us tuppence and a Liquorice Allsort. I'm never going to get rich like that!'
 

His total night's takings, then, amounted to £1.62 and six liquorice sweets which no-one wanted to eat.
 

I don't know whether he intends going out again tonight as he's still in bed at the moment, recovering.

Wilson wishes all his customers a Very Happy Xmas!

Wilson is a bit despondent after doing some more calculations.
 

'There are nine days until Xmas,' he explained. 'Allowing, say, 2½ minutes for each house, 4,600 houses will take more than 21 hours a day! I should have started this back in August!'
 

He pondered for a moment, then asked me, 'Do you think householders might be annoyed by Carol Singers calling at, say, 2am? Because if they're a bit cross, that might result in reduced donations.'
 

However, he has produced a 'Rate Card' of Suggested Donations for when he starts carolling this evening, 'So that people won't be embarrassed by not knowing how much to give!'

If you live in Uckfield, do listen out for him — he'll be setting off with his choir in a few minutes.

Spreadsheet

Wilson has been doing some population research and financial calculations to determine the profitability of carol singing. His findings are as follows:

Population of Uckfield = 14,000

Equivalent to households ≈ 4,600

Carol singers' suggested donation:

Wilson Vermilingua OBE £2.00

Polly-B                                 £1.00

Antony                                 £1.00

Tiny Toy                              £0.50

sTony                                   £1.00

sToneye                              £0.50

                            TOTAL = £6.00

Grand total therefore
             4,600 x £6.00 = £27,600

This, he says, is substantially short of the £1Million he needs, but still well worth doing.