BEES' BLOG – THE SKIFF

Hello etc, we are the Bees and this is our Guest Blog.

What with all the artistic activity going on, and after the picture we did last month – which was quite good fun – we thought we'd do another picture this month!

Especially now that the weather has improved, we can't think of anything nicer than a lovely socially-distanced trip on the river.

Billi did all the rowing because, well… just because she's Billi really, while I sat under my parasol and worried about what our two boys were getting up to – that's what mothers do…

So we've been the Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, stay socially distanced and wear a mask!

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New Readers Start Here Nº 06

NËRP

• Originally employed to work in Wilson’s BitCoin Mine and carry out light duties around the house. Never lifts a finger.

• Likes Eurovision Song Contest, graffiti and playing with Wilson and Byron.

• Many of his essential modules have not been installed, for reasons he is unwilling to discuss.

THE LAUGHING ROBOT

Perhaps as a result of seeing Uckfield Gothic, Jīqìrén has decided to try her hand (manipulator?) at classic painting re-creationsions too.

Once she'd finished she took her uncle Nërp for a Private View, and the rest of the family was admitted once the picture had received Nërp's approval.

When I first saw it, I thought Jīqìrén looked a tiny bit like a Lego figure (though I'd never dream of saying that out loud) but I admit the Cavalier Moustache is a very authentic touch…

Actually, I think I'm warming to it! 🤔 😀

Well Done Jīqìrén! 👏

Tomorrow it's The Bees turn to blog – before that, here's a chance to get reacquainted:

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New Readers Start Here Nº 05

THE BEES – POLLY AND BILLI

• BILLI: radical feminist, but she’s mellowed a bit since marrying Polly.

• POLLY: very motherly, exercises a calming influence over everyone.

• Both bees enjoy dressing up as nurses, and are parents to the Johnson Brothers – Johnson Major and Johnson Minor.

JOB OPPORTUNITY

According to SKY News* Boris Johnson is advertising for a spokesperson to front new televised White House-style press briefings.

The post is allegedly 'a unique opportunity to work at the centre of government, and communicate with the nation on behalf of the prime minister' and although the salary is not specified it is 'certain to be in excess of £100,000 pa'.

Wilson is sorely tempted to apply, saying, 'In just ten years I'll be a millionaire!'

Byron, Billi and Antony are doing their very best to talk him out of it: 'You'll just be a patsy, Bro!' Byron told him earnestly, and the others agreed.

'A pasty?' Wilson asked, incredulously, 'What, like a Cornish pasty?'

'No, you twonk' Byron replied, 'a patsy, a fall-guy, a scapegoat – someone to blame when it all goes wrong!'

Billi joined in, saying, 'you'll have to stand up in front of everyone, on national tv and tell people lies – you'll know they're lies, the people you're telling them to will know they're lies, everyone will know they're lies! You'd be just like Donald Trump's Press Secretary…'

Antony added, 'And you won't get to be a millionaire because they'll sack you after a couple of months – that's if you don't resign first out of shame and embarrassment…'

Wilson nodded glumly and said, 'I suppose you're right. I'll forget all about it.'

I think he'd been looking forward to standing behind that lectern and saying things like, 'That's a very good question, thank you for asking it. It's a very important question' before proceeding to not answer it…

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New Readers Start Here Nº 04

TINY TOY aka “TT”

• Antony’s plush toy and constant companion – is it usual for plush toys to have their own plush toys?

• Spends most of his time sleeping.

• Stand-up comedian.

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* Here's the link, in case you fancy a life of duplicity among a nest of vipers: https://news.sky.com/story/number-10-wants-to-smash-the-lobby-in-hunt-for-pms-new-163100k-a-year-spokesperson-12038741

UCKFIELD GOTHIC

Taking a break from marketing termites, the boys have been relaxing by re-creating another classic painting.

This time their choice is Grant Woods' American Gothic.

As soon as they'd finished it they promptly hung it in the gallery and for some reason invited Jīqìrén in to see it.

The young robot had never been inside the Vermilingua Contemporary before, but if either of the gallerists were hoping she would be impressed, they would have been gravely disappointed.

The young android stared at the painting for several minutes before asking, 'What is its meaning? Its purpose? Its significance?'

Byron immediately started to explain all about the artist and the painting, but I fear Jīqìrén remained unconvinced…

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New Readers Start Here Nº 03

ANTONY

• Wilson’s plush toy, confidant, consultant and constant companion.

• Occasionally acts as Marketing Manager, Publicist, Editor and CEO when required.

• Encyclopaedic knowledge of the History of Film.

FREE REPLACEMENT POSTER

To make up for the disappointment of receiving a poster with mistakes on it, here is a new version for your postering pleasure.

 

As usual, Wilson requests that you put it up somewhere the maximum number of people will see it, thereby increasing sales and hasten his journey to millionairehood…

 

 

New Readers Start Here #02

KENNETH BYRON EUSTACE VERMILINGUA (BIRO)

Wilson's half-brother [technically his uncle, but Wilson doesn't like to talk about that], art authority, artist and published author.

Intellectual, introverted and a bit less impulsive than Wilson.

Hasn't made any unrealistic promises about becoming a millionaire.

 

GUERRILLA ADVERTISING

Assisted by Nërp (but not by Byron, who wisely wants to keep out of trouble with the law) Wilson has embarked on what he calls a 'Guerrilla Advertising Campaign'.

 

He says that this kind of publicity carries the most 'Street Cred' which is why clubs and record companies always use it.

 

I had naïvely assumed they did that because it was cheap, but clearly I'm no expert…

 

Starting today we're running a new feature to introduce all the members of Wilson's family, some of whom may be less familiar than others. We're starting with Wilson, then moving on to introduce you to everyone else in his family!

New Readers Start Here:

WILSON BOO VERMILINGUA

Philosopher, entrepreneur and inventor, Wilson labours under the heavy burden of a promise he unwisely made to his Mum, Mrs Vermillingua, that he would be a millionaire by the time he was seven.

That time has been and gone, but he is keeping his age a secret from Mrs V until after he's made his first million – Mrs V has so many pups that she long ago lost count of their ages (and names) so this isn't as difficult as you might imagine! I think she may be part of a Tamandua Breeding Programme, but I have never mentioned this to Wilson…

Fun Fact: one of Wilson's Great, Great… Grandfathers was Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López, the legendary Blue Baron who fought in the Great Ant Wars of 1921!

LAND ART: DEAD PIXEL

While Wilson has been developing the packaging and advertising for his friend Arnold's new snack product, Byron has been busy too.

 

He's produced a piece of what he tells me is called Land Art, which represents what a 'dead pixel' in a Google Earth photograph of our garden would look like if it were real instead of a camera artefact.

 

Unfortunately, he's chosen quite a windy day to install it, and the 'pixel' keeps getting picked up by the wind and blown into the bushes, so he's had to secure it with little metal stakes.

 

He persuaded Wilson to take a brief look at it – he said it was 'Very nice, Bro!' – but then pleaded 'other things to do' and hurried off…

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Due to my underlying medical conditions, I am still in Full Lockdown, but I'll tell you this: I'm getting really bored, and I can't wait to get Wilson and Byron out of the house and go on a proper adventure with them…