JOB OPPORTUNITY

According to SKY News* Boris Johnson is advertising for a spokesperson to front new televised White House-style press briefings.

The post is allegedly 'a unique opportunity to work at the centre of government, and communicate with the nation on behalf of the prime minister' and although the salary is not specified it is 'certain to be in excess of £100,000 pa'.

Wilson is sorely tempted to apply, saying, 'In just ten years I'll be a millionaire!'

Byron, Billi and Antony are doing their very best to talk him out of it: 'You'll just be a patsy, Bro!' Byron told him earnestly, and the others agreed.

'A pasty?' Wilson asked, incredulously, 'What, like a Cornish pasty?'

'No, you twonk' Byron replied, 'a patsy, a fall-guy, a scapegoat – someone to blame when it all goes wrong!'

Billi joined in, saying, 'you'll have to stand up in front of everyone, on national tv and tell people lies – you'll know they're lies, the people you're telling them to will know they're lies, everyone will know they're lies! You'd be just like Donald Trump's Press Secretary…'

Antony added, 'And you won't get to be a millionaire because they'll sack you after a couple of months – that's if you don't resign first out of shame and embarrassment…'

Wilson nodded glumly and said, 'I suppose you're right. I'll forget all about it.'

I think he'd been looking forward to standing behind that lectern and saying things like, 'That's a very good question, thank you for asking it. It's a very important question' before proceeding to not answer it…

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New Readers Start Here Nº 04

TINY TOY aka “TT”

• Antony’s plush toy and constant companion – is it usual for plush toys to have their own plush toys?

• Spends most of his time sleeping.

• Stand-up comedian.

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* Here's the link, in case you fancy a life of duplicity among a nest of vipers: https://news.sky.com/story/number-10-wants-to-smash-the-lobby-in-hunt-for-pms-new-163100k-a-year-spokesperson-12038741