At last, the opening day of Wilson and Byron's Wildlife Petting Farm and Anteater Experience is here!
After breakfast I made my way into the garden and presented myself at the Ticket Booth.
Wilson greeted me with polite efficiency: 'Good morning, sir, and welcome to the Uckfield Wildlife Petting Farm and Anteater Experience — one adult ticket?' I nodded and proffered a fiver. 'That will be £5. Thank you. Enjoy your day!'
I am the first paying visitor, and as such am entitled to a free tomato. W handed this to me, rather grudgingly, I thought.
Taking my tomato I entered what used to be my back garden but now more resembles a Fairground Midway with booths, stalls and enclosures all around, in search of adventure and fun.
And wild animals to pet...
Wilson has been out with Byron and the Bees erecting signs about Road Closures and Parking Charges for the duration of his Wildlife Petting Park and Anteater Experience event.
When they returned, he explained to me that I would have to move our car, so as not to obstruct visitors to his attraction.
Accordingly, I drove it round the corner and parked at the side of the road. As I stepped out and prepared to walk home I was confronted by Polly and Billi, wearing tiny Parking Attendants' hats, demanding £5.
I offered Billie a £10 note, which she accepted, adding that she 'Didn't do change' on Wilson's instructions.
Before I could protest, they had gone.
I fear this is but a foretaste of how things will work at the Petting Zoo...
Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!
Because the first of the month falls on Saturday, when Wilson will be opening his famous so-called Wildlife Park, we have kindly agreed to do our Guest Blog early. Just this once. On account of it being slightly our fault that his Tomato Farm died.
Let no-one say bees are not flexible.
Also kind. Obviously.
Although we did draw the line when Wilson asked us to appear in his Wildlife Zoo pretending to be Wild Hornets, and stinging people so he could sell them his over-priced Sting Balm. We do have standards, you know.
How we ARE helping is by collecting parking money from his visitors. Wilson says we look a bit like Parking Wardens already, what with being yellow-and-black, but we think the Parking Warden Hats are a tiny bit demeaning.
We preferred the Nurses Uniforms we wore before, but you can't collect parking money in a nurse's uniform — it would get the NHS a bad name!
Wilson's New Dad has got a cold — this means he's a bit grumpy most of the time, but his nose has turned red which is quite funny! However, we try not to laugh because, well... Caring Profession. Nurses, not Parking Wardens.
We've given him some Royal Jelly, so he should soon be right as rain. Whatever that means.
Anyway, we've been the bees and we'll see you next month. Until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD!
I was just driving into the village this morning to pick up some cakes from the bakery, when I came across this... this outrage!
Flyposting is not generally a problem in Uckfield, and I don't intend that it should become one, so I shall be having a stern word with Wilson and Byron when I get home.
If your premises have been affected by this act of vandalism, I can only apologise.
I assure you that two contrite anteaters will be round later with a bucket of soapy water, a scraper and an apology!
________
Incidentally, because the Wildlife Petting Park and Anteater Experience will be opening on Saturday, which happens to be the 1st of the month, The Bees have kindly agreed to do their Guest Blog on Wednesday.
Wilson and Byron came back tired but happy, having put up a load of posters around the neighbourhood.
They both assured me that they'd been very careful not to damage anything and had behaved responsibly.
Later I took a stroll around the neighbouring streets, and they seem to have done a good job; obviously I'll make sure they take the posters down once the event is finished.
With less than a week to go, even I'm feeling a bit excited now!
