12/09/2020

FAMILY MEETING

Wilson has called everyone to his library for a Family Meeting to discuss Andrew's offer to provide Environmental Atmospheric Services for the artificial beach.
 
He kicked off the discussion by reading out the list of services Andrew had promised to supply; when he reached the bit about 'attacking small animals' several of the smaller toys visibly blanched, and TT and Pterry both burst into tears.
 
He then held aloft a printed metal sign reading, 'Do not feed the seagulls' which went on to list some of their many faults. 
 
'No offence intended, Uncle Z, but it would be like living with a 2½kg hornet with kleptomania and anger control issues!'
 
'None taken, dear boy,' Uncle Z replied, preening himself.
 
After a few minutes of lively discussion – notable mostly for Diesel laboriously trying to ask whether seagulls ate fish (Nërp was able to confirm that fish was in fact the gull's food of choice) – a vote was taken.
 
After the count the verdict was declared to be Unanimous – although there was some concern that all the insects had voted six times each, by raising all their legs in the air…
 
Polly then made a statement to the effect that she did feel some sympathy for Andrew, suggesting that perhaps a Packed Lunch could be prepared for him before he left.
 

11/09/2020

ANDREW MAKES A DEAL

Wilson was sitting in the garden quietly enjoying the last of the sun and trying to contact his Inner Spirit Anteater, when he was rudely interrupted by the arrival of Andrew, the troublesome seagull.

Addressing Wilson, he asked, 'Wotcher mate – alright? Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I've got a proposition for you!'
 
Before Wilson could reply, he continued, 'You've got a good thing going here with your artificial sea shore and your little beach hut – I can see it must be a nice little earner for you – but there's something missing! Do you know what it is? I'll tell you: AMBIENCE! You've got a serious ambience shortfall… and that's where I come in!'
 
While Andrew paused for breath, Wilson managed to ask, 'Ambience Shortfall? What are you talking about?'
 
The gull immediately replied, 'Well, your seaside sound effects are all right, as far as they go, I suppose, but what does everybody remember about a day at the beach?'
 
Without waiting for a reply, he continued, 'Seagulls! The quintessential seaside experience depends on seagulls! For a trivial consideration I, Andrew the Seagull, will provide a Total Seaside Ambience including (but not limited to):
• flying around, including wheeling, swooping and hovering
• screeching
• stealing chips
• stealing ice-creams
• liberal guano distribution
• littering
and last but not least
• attacking small animals
Whaddya say? You can't refuse, can you?'
 
Wilson asked the bird what fee he would require for providing this service, and Andrew replied, 'You let me live in the beach hut, and you feed me – it's a snip, no? I'm no trouble – you can't afford to say no!'
 
Wilson told him he'd think about it, but he'd need to discuss the matter with the rest of the family before he could reach a decision…
 

 

10/09/2020

Ant Wars 2: GUIDE TO INNER GROWTH

Here is the first chapter of my new book, Contacting Your Spirit Anteater, free of charge for my closest friends:

❝Close your eyes* and Centre yourself… take a deep Anteater breath, breathe into your heart… feel your heart expand, and breathe out of your Third Eye
Feel a Ball of Light moving through your Third Eye
Surround yourself with a Ball of Pure White Light, sparkling like diamond ants, connecting you to the Anteater Frequency… you are now attuned to the Anteater Realm
You may sense, feel, imagine or even know your anteater is standing in front of you – reach out and touch it! Tickle it behind its ears, it will like that… ask it its name, it may answer you telepathically… rest peacefully with your anteater, feeling and absorbing its love and friendship…
Open your eyes and know that – whether you sensed it or not – your Spirit Anteater is now with you…
Now open your eyes.❞


* Closing your eyes does make reading the book more difficult – maybe you could get someone to help by reading it to you.
If the book sells well I might bring out an audio version on cassette – do people still use cassettes?

 

 


09/09/2020

CONTACT YOUR SPIRIT ANTEATER

Yesterday Wilson was watching some daytime tv and saw an item about a woman who had written several books about 'Contacting Your Inner Angel'.

Perhaps because her sales have slumped – or maybe she was just curious about the gullibility of her readers – she has now written a book about Contacting Your Spirit Unicorn.
 
Wilson immediately ran to his study and has now started work on his new book, working title: 'Contact Your Spirit Anteater'.
 
He is consulting with Literary Agent Antony and Publicist TT, (and assisted by Pterry who still can't be left alone without bursting into tears – which is apparently not at all conducive to writing a Major Spiritual Handbook).
 
As Wilson pointed out to Antony, 'In the words of the Great P T Barnum, "No man ever went broke overestimating the ignorance of the public!"!'
 
Oh dear – I hope we don't get any complaints from Angel enthusiasts… or Unicorns!
 

 

08/09/2020

ANDREW RETURNS

During breakfast, we heard a disturbance in the garden.

Wilson went out to investigate, and found Andrew the Seagull perched on top of the beach hut. 
 
As soon as he saw Wilson, he shouted down, 'This is a nice gaff – what about me moving in?'
 
'Oh,' W replied, playing for time, 'How are you Andrew? How was the Sewage Farm?'
 
'Rubbish!' the bird replied, 'Complete lack of fish heads. I should have stayed in Weston – coming here was a total waste of Air Miles!'
 
Thinking quickly, Wilson called back, 'Today is Dustbin Collection Day, so why don't you fly around and see what you can find – follow the Bin Truck for a bit – there's "Pickins for All!" as they say in Weston…' 
 

 

07/09/2020

TT's XMAS COMEDY SHOW

After seven months in lockdown, everyone is getting restless.

The air of ennui and resignation has been replaced with an atmosphere of rebellion – perhaps even of mutiny – ever since the Xmas Demonstration on August Bank Holiday!
 
Wilson noticed it too, and has had a word with Antony, who in turn has spoken to Tiny Toy, and it's been agreed that TT should give a special Xmas Comedy Show to relieve the tension – please note this does NOT mean Xmas will be held even a single day before 25 December!
❝ Hello, good evening, and welcome to the TT Xmas Comedy Show – I am Tiny Toy, and this is my Xmas Comedy Show BlogCast!
What happens to elves when they're naughty? Santa gives them the sack.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
What is a snowman's favorite breakfast? Ice Crispies.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no-body to go with.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy!
What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards!
What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?
Whats the best Christmas Present? A broken drum – you just can't beat it.
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph!
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho.
What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
What is a skunks favourite Christmas song? Jingle smells!
Thank you, thank you, you're very kind.
My time's nearly up, but before I go, let me ask you a serious question: Why did the turkey cross the road?
Becase the chicken was on holiday!
I must go now, because I'm wanted by the Joke Police for that last joke!
I've been Tiny Toy and I hope you've been a wonderful audience – Happy Xmas! ❞


 

06/09/2020

FIRE STATION OPEN DAY

Following Andrea's extraordinary revelations about Mrs V, Wilson and Byron spent most of yesterday brooding about how different their lives would have been, had not they been betrayed by fate – how they would have been living in Costa Rica, in a grand house with many servants and probably girlfriends…

I clearly needed to snap them out of their dejected and melancholic mood, so I took the whole family to see the Uckfield Fire Station!
 
Each year the Fire Station holds an Open Day, when visitors can meet the firefighters, climb all over the fire engines etc, but for various reasons (usually because we've been away on holiday at the time) Wilson has never attended one.
 
Because of the pandemic there won't be any Open Day this year, so I've done the next best thing and taken everyone to see The Old Fire Station.
 
Since the new fire station was built next to Tesco, The Old Fire Station has been converted into living accommodation, and of course we can't just knock on the door and ask to be shown round, so we just stood outside and looked at it.
 
Admittedly it wasn't quite as thrilling as sliding down the fireman's pole and working the Blues-&-Two's, but after so long in lockdown, just leaving the house was quite exciting!