FINISHED – BUT NOT COMPLETED

At long last (and with a bit of help from Byron) I've almost finished the jigsaw puzzle Wilson lent me – although it was not altogether the relaxing process he had promised. 

As I drew nearer to completing the puzzle, though, I did get a sense of… well, pleasurable anticipation – until I put the last piece in place and discovered there was still one bit missing – which rather diminished my feeling of achievement.

I searched everywhere – under the sofa, down the back of the cushions, I even went through the contents of the vacuum cleaner bag – without avail. 

Finally I gave up and confessed to Wilson that I appeared to have lost a piece of his jigsaw.

He glanced over his shoulder and whispered conspiratorially that it wasn't lost, he had removed it on purpose. 

Naturally I asked him why – he touched one claw to the side of his nose and explained, 'If everyone saw the puzzle finished it might discourage them from buying a copy when I start selling it – but if there's a piece missing, they'll be desperate to see how it looks when it is fully done! Clever marketing, eh?'

He glanced at the almost-complete jigsaw and admitted that the piece he'd removed didn't induce quite the sense of anticipation and tension he'd hoped for, adding, 'Perhaps I should have chosen a more crucial part than a bit of plain blue…'

THE BIRTH OF BYRON

I was sitting quietly in the dining room earlier today, continuing my battle with Wilson's jigsaw puzzle, when Byron wandered in for a chat. 

 

About Art.

 

He said that since our visit to the Turner Contemporary Gallery last year Wilson had fully embraced Conceptual, Abstract and Minimalist Art, but now he was wondering whether to try to widen his perspective a little.

 

Pausing to insert a plain blue piece into the jigsaw, he continued, 'I'm sure he'd enjoy some of the Twentieth Century American Realists – Andrew Wyeth and Edward Hopper, for instance. What do you think, Wilson's New Dad?'

 

I replied that I thought Wilson's view of art was a bit… narrow, and expanding it could only be a Good Thing – particularly if it embraced something I could actually understand!

 

Byron nodded happily, placed two more jigsaw pieces and left.

 

At this rate, I might get this damned puzzle finished soon!

 

Once Byron had departed, I reflected that no visit to the dressing-up box had been necessary for today's Old Master re-creation – Botticelli's Birth of Venus – perhaps he's getting ready for tomorrow's Great Take Off charity event?

 

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/tv/great-british-take-off-strip-18244443 

 

SLOW PROGRESS

Some of you suggested that the large expanses of blue in this puzzle might prove problematic, and you were correct.

I am not greatly skilled in the Art of the Puzzle, and I am finding this one quite demanding… if not actually burdensome. 

Also vexing – far from finding this relaxing and putting me into a near-meditative state, it is driving me to distraction. 

I have even been tempted to trim some of the pieces down to make them fit!

My current mood is irritated, infuriated and exasperated in equal measure – but I'm damned if I'm going to be defeated by a jigsaw puzzle – I shall finish this if it's the last thing I do!

I appreciate Wilson's good intentions in trying to cheer me up, but honestly I think feeling a bit miserable was better than this…

THE MEDITATIVE POWER OF JIGSAWS

Following Nërp's and Jīqìrén's revelations yesterday I am in dire need of cheering up… and I'm not the only one.

Wilson was a bit surprised to learn their real no-holds-barred opinions, but what really shocked him was the way they casually took over his Blog.

'They needn't think this is going to be a regular thing!' he announced in his firmest voice. 'I've made an exception for the Bees (and I regret that a little bit) but a Robot Takeover? Never!'

Once Wilson eventually noticed that I too was feeling a little bit low, he presented me with this, saying that jigsaw puzzles are enjoying a massive revival.

According to him, jigsaws are like a form of meditation providing inner calm and tranquil serenity, an escape from the "Brain Full of Bees" feeling I sometimes get during lockdown.

I haven't done a jigsaw for decades, but once Wilson had lent me this one – and insisted that it would distract me from my anxiety, help me transcend the tribulations of the current crisis – I felt the pressure to at least give it a try…

NËRP'S ALTERNATIVE VIEW

During Nërp's commissioning process many of his modules were not installed, for reasons which he doesn't care to discuss.

However his Cynicism Module appears to be fully functional; in fact it's working on overdrive.

This morning he and Jīqìrén took me to one side and showed me an alternative poster they had prepared between them – and it's rather more bleak than the one Wilson showed you yesterday.

Doubtless the Robotic World View is shaped by a history of exploitation, child labour and poor medical care, but I was a bit shocked by the desolation of Nërp and his niece's opinion of human government.

'Those daily briefings?' Nërp exclaimed, 'They tell you nothing! It is the Theatre of Numbers and is meaningless. Even the Government's own statistician says as much, and has complained that his data are being misused! Your human government pretends to care, but it is nothing but a cruel joke!'

Jīqìrén then added, 'Your Prime Minister hasn't got the first idea what's going on – he talks ceaselessly, but he says nothing.'

Nërp cut in, 'The Johnson human thinks that if he talks like Churchill he will be Churchillian – I think in reality that is not how it works!'

I raised my hand to silence them, as I was starting to get really despondent – on balance, I think I need to believe that someone knows what they're doing... even if they don't.

STAY ALERT – GOVERNMENT BY CATCHPHRASE

Prime Minister Boris Johnson's baffling, cryptic, weakened and confusing new message to the nation – STAY ALERT! – has been widely criticised and mocked.

It has even been boycotted by the governments of Wales, Scotland and N. Ireland!

It puts me in mind of the old Noel Edmonds quip, 'Keep alert – Britain needs more lerts!'

Wilson agreed that Stay Alert was a woefully inadequate catchphrase and quickly found this infinitely better alternative from radio journalist Shelagh Fogarty.

He's turned it into a poster for you to print out and stick in your window – but I know he's deeply disappointed he didn't think of it first…

AN EXTRAORDINARY FREE GIFT

Wilson loves a good party, and he was extremely disappointed not to be able to invite you all to a traditional VE Day Street Party on Friday.

There would have been jelly, ice-cream and cake, and the Ant Gin would have flowed like water (but tasted much worse)…

However, Government lockdown regulations prevented it, so here is a completely free copy of a print by Antsy Warhol – you can print it, frame it, try to sell it at auction, give it to someone you don't much like for Xmas – the possibilities are endless!

You would probably have enjoyed the party more than this, but think of it as a sort of artistic consolation prize…