Nërp has been working all night, and the Apollo 11 Lunar Lander Simulator 'EAGLE' is now completed – and I must say he's made a remarkable job of it!
I don't know whether all the buttons and controls actually do anything, but they all press and click, and look totally authentic – Wilson and Byron are thrilled!
The Simulator is set up in the living room in front of the tv, on which Nërp is showing videos of the lunar landscape to increase the immersiveness of the experience.
In the interests of authenticity, Nërp has decided to remain outside Eagle, as there were only two astronauts present during the actual landing – but he's keeping an eye on everything through the little windows in the Lander, and calling out answers to any questions the boys have, while observing strict communication protocols: he won't answer unless the question is preceded by, 'Tranquility Base to Houston,' and pauses to simulate the time delay for the signal to travel from the Moon to the Earth and back again.
To keep tension to a minimum, he is also streaming a performance of Katie Paterson's 2007 piano piece, 'Earth-Moon-Earth' – although were it me a million miles from home, I would find its constant intermittent silences a tiny bit unnerving…
Whenever either of the boys has to leave the Lander (for a comfort break, say, or to top-up with Cheesy Wotsits) they say, 'That's One Small Step for an Anteater – One Giant Leap for Anteater-kind!', and they've set up two flags on sticks, claiming the living room jointly for Uckfield and Costa Rica.
Bless…
Wilson and Byron have seen the younger children having a lot of fun playing in the little Lunar Lander Simulator Nërp built for them, and have requested something similar – but larger – for themselves.
Nërp has happily agreed, gratified to be bringing Science, Engineering and Astrophysics into their lives.
While Nërp is working on the Simulator, the boys are trying to pass the time by playing a version of Who Is It? which they've adapted to use pictures of various species of ants in place of the cartoon portraits usually used.
They call this game What Ant Is It? and I can hear them asking each other questions.
Questions like:
'Does this ant have bifurcated tarsi?',
'Does this ant have a peppery taste?',
'Do you think Nërp will be much longer building our Simulator?'
and so on.
Occasionally one or other of them will call out, 'Nërp! How's the Simulator going – is it nearly finished yet?' to which Nërp will reply (with the patience apparently available only to non-humans) 'It's coming along very well, thank you for asking – I've just installed the Thruster Servo Controllers, then I'm going adjust the Flux Capacitors, for which I will need absolute silence, if you'd be so kind…'
Obviously we were very upset when the British Lionesses got knocked out of the World Cup, but now that the nicer weather has arrived we're re-forming our Uckfield Bees Football Club!
We were going to rename our little team the British Bee-esses, in honour of the British Lionesses, but it's a bit difficult to say – especially in footy chants – so we've decided instead on Uckfield Queen Bees FC!
🐝 SCIENCE NEWS:
Scientists are 'Surprised' that bees can Learn, Remember and Match Symbols. How stupid – if scientists had bothered to ask, we could have told them that, and challenged them to a game of football!
https://apple.news/AfiJr3qzCRAmSu42mIyCYXw
🐝 WORLD NEWS:
Utrecht in Holland is planting grass and wildflowers on the roofs of city bus shelters, to help bees!
And in Sweden, McDonalds has opened a restaurant just for bees!
We know fast food is bad for you, but it would be such a treat to take our boys Johnson and Johnson to a McDonalds and not have all the other customers swatting us away – it doesn't make us feel very welcome when we're having a family day out!
https://apple.news/AKylWUsG1TamIlwsGZrUjZA
https://bgr.com/2019/05/25/mcdonalds-for-bees-worlds-smallest-sweden/
So anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all next month for more Bee-related news and updates!
Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Nërp was very impressed by how well his Lunar Lander Demonstrations were received at the recent Moon Landing Party, and now he's in the kitchen building a Lunar Lander Module Simulator out of cardboard for the younger children to play in – he's very keen to encourage an interest in science and STEM subjects in everyone, no matter how young. Or sentient…
Antony (who is actually in charge of the Sellotape Machine – tearing off short lengths and handing them to Nërp as required!), TinyToy (currently dozing in Nërp's tool box – I think it all got too overwhelming for him) and the Johnson Brothers are very excited, and while Pterry doesn't really know what's going on, he has taken quite a shine to his 'Uncle Nërp'.
Perhaps when Nërp's niece arrives they'll be able to play together?
The business cards for the Drug Naming Services company Wilson and Byron have started have just been delivered!
He's really pushed the boat out this time, using heavy cream stock with an embossed finish, spot varnish and red metallic foil because, as he explained, 'Image is everything in the Big Pharma game!'
Halfway through showing everyone his cards, something about Liverpool came on the news – W paused, raising his paw for silence.
The news item was an unlikely story about Liverpool Football Club trying to trademark the word Liverpool!
I scoffed, saying that they had no chance of trademarking a word that had existed untroubled for more than 800 years… although I have seen some shocking (AKA Stupid) decisions taken recently, so perhaps I shouldn't be too confident!
Wilson has no interest in football, but having been to Liverpool on holiday a few years ago, I suppose he might be interested in anything about the beautiful city… although perhaps I should now have referred to the Birthplace of the Beatles as:
Liverpool™
As soon as yesterday's Press Conference ended, Wilson passed me a bottle of pills labelled Zyquako Tablets and told me to take one.
I was hesitant to accept, but he assured me, 'It's okay – they're free!'
'But what are they?' I asked.
'Who knows?' he replied, 'I found them in the bathroom cabinet and re-labelled them – but with a great name like Zyquako, they're certain to make you feel better. I know I feel better just reading the label!'
I declined his kind offer, but he persisted.
'Look, they were already in your bathroom cabinet so you were probably taking them anyway – or at least, somebody you knew was – so what harm can they do? Neck a couple of them, say how great they are and point out to your readers how they wouldn't have done you half as much good if they didn't have an awesome name like Zyquako™ (©2019 Vermilingua+Associates DNS Services)! It's not a lot to ask…'
Opening the bottle I shook out a couple of the tablets and examined them – they appeared to be a Vitamin C Supplement, so I reluctantly swallowed one.
Pterry started to cry.
After a moment Byron enquired, 'Do you feel amazing yet, Wilson's New Dad?'
I told him that, while I had felt just fine before, after taking just one Zyquako™ tablet I could truthfully say that I didn't yet feel any worse…
