HIGH TIDE

Overnight we experienced torrential rainstorms and this morning the garden was flooded – the water was only a few cm deep, but there was a surprising amount of it!

As soon as he woke and saw what had occurred, Wilson pulled on his Welly Boots and bravely went out to inspect his Artificial Beach, fearing that the rain might have washed away the sand.

 

All was well, though – he told me that it was now extra realistic, because it looked as though there was a high tide, and anyone who wanted could now go paddling – should they so desire.

 

Wilson has never seen the point of paddling and is keeping his boots on in case he has to carry out another inspection.

 

Rain is still falling, but unfortunately it is just as hot as ever – standing outside feels like taking a warm shower with your clothes on…

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ADVANCE NOTICE: There won't be any blog tomorrow – everything should be back to normal on Sunday.

 

 

COLD COMFORT

Ant Wars 2: COLD COMFORT 

As soon as Nërp started to feel a little better he sent Jīqìrén out to let me know he was going to build a Cool Chamber, and since I was clearly feeling pretty wretched from the heat too, I was invited to share it with him.

I told Jīqìrén that I really didn't want Nërp overexerting himself in his current weakened state, but she said it was fine because actually he'd already finished it.

 

Leading me to the kitchen I saw that Nërp had added some kind of porthole to the fridge, and he was standing inside it staring out.

 

Jīqìrén opened the door and Nërp beckoned me in: 'Come inside, Wilson's New Dad – this will help you cool down and you'll soon feel entirely refreshed!'

 

My reluctance to stand in a fridge was overridden by my extreme discomfort, so I consented to enter, 'Just until I've cooled down a bit!'

 

I've been in here nearly half an hour now and I'm chilled to the bone. There's no room even to turn round, and nothing to eat except a few packs of Arnold's Park Termites... and I think my eyeballs are starting to freeze.

 

When I get out of here, I promise not to complain about the heat again, however hot it gets!

 

New Readers Start Here Nº 17

You have now met all of Wilson's immediate family with the exception of his Mum, the redoubtable MRS VERMILINGUA

• Great Gin Enthusiast and terrible cook – when Wilson says something tastes like Mrs V used to make, it's not a compliment.

• Very friendly, as evidenced by the size of her (still-growing) family.

• Camera-shy – this old Polaroid is the only picture of Mrs V I can find.

• Fun Fact: nobody knows Mrs V's first name – Wilson still thinks it's 'Mrs'!

 

HEAT HYPERPYREXIA

An extremely excited Wilson and Byron have just run in shouting, 'Nërp is smoking! Nërp is smoking!'

I assumed they meant smoking a cigar – in the manner of Bender, his hero from Futurama – and went out to remonstrate with him for setting such a bad example in front of the children.

 

However, when I arrived smoke was pouring out of the anxious android.

 

He was too hot to touch, but the boys and I assisted him into his workshop where the bees rendered first aid by directing fans at him and covering him with damp towels.

 

As soon as he was capable of speech he said, in a wavering voice, that his circuits had overheated due to the excessive ambient temperature in the sunshine.

 

Jīqìrén was terribly concerned to see her uncle in such distress and said the best thing to do would be to plug him into a USB port and let him rest.

 

Acceding to her judgment call we turned out the lights and left the two bots to rest and, hopefully, recover together, Jīqìrén assuring us that she would call if Nërp needed anything…

 

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New Readers Start Here Nº 16

ANDREA

• For most of his life Wilson believed that Andrea was his Big Sister.

• A few years ago he learned that she is actually his Biological Mother and that Mrs V is, in fact, his Grandmother.

• He didn't take the revelation well, but seems to have accepted it now – he continues to refer to as Andrea as his Big Sister and to his Grandma as Mrs V.

 

 

CHILLIN' AT THE BEACH

Having achieved so much, and with the temperature hovering around 35.5ºC (96ºF) everyone is taking a well-deserved rest and enjoying the fruits of their recent labours on the 'beach'.

Wilson is playing his Peter Dawson 78s on an ancient gramophone, accompanied by ambient sounds of the sea on his tape recorder!

It's a bit too hot and humid for me – I'm indoors with the curtains drawn, drinking an ice-cold lager in front of a fan…

 

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New Readers Start Here Nº 15

UNCLE ZOLTAN

• A distant relation of the bees, he used to be known as Mad Uncle Zoltan, but in recognition of his tragic life that epithet is no longer used.

• Hobbies include baking, drumming and turning up at weddings, waiting for the vicar to ask, 'If anyone here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace' then jumping up to object on enigmatic and inscrutable grounds.

• Has a stinger and knows how to use it.

• Very fond of children, not at all fond of Wilson.

 

BEACHIFICATION

The whole family is in the garden installing the new 'beach hut' and making the garden look as 'beachy' as possible.

 

I wouldn't be surprised to find swathes of Sea Holly sprouting among the rose bushes, and a groyne installed to protect the sand from 'erosion'…

 

Wilson has worked really hard on this project, and he later confessed that he was glad to throw himself into physical activity to take his mind off something that's been worrying him.

 

Apparently his friend Arnold* has been making Bootleg Ant Gin and become involved with some kind of Gang War – and his 'human mom' is being held hostage.

I suggested that maybe W should alert the Authorities, but he said the Cops in the US aren't like in The Bill – they kneel on your neck first and ask questions later – then they shoot you!

 

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New Readers Start Here Nº 14

DIESEL THE GOLDFISH

• Wilson told me he would like a pet pony, whom he would name 'Diesel' – I refused and eventually bargained him down to a pet goldfish.

• Turns out it was a goldfish he'd wanted in the first place and the pony had been a Bargaining Ploy – W out-manoeuvres me yet again…

• Diesel (the goldfish, not the pony) lives a quiet life as it's difficult to take him out in the car without spilling his water on sharp corners or bumpy roads.

 

 

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*Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/

or search for the.gourmet.anteater

A WORRYING RUMOUR

There is a worrying rumour circulating on Social Media to the effect that Wilson is opening a Camel Sanctuary in the back garden!

That would certainly explain the tons of sand, but it would be a disaster for all my lovely flowers… and what it the camels weren't properly, um, well, 'house-trained'?

I know Wilson has a bit of a soft spot for camels – remember Colin the Knitted Camel? – so this scheme is not quite as unlikely as it might seem.

 

I needed to get to the bottom of this so, danger or not, I insisted on being let into Nërp's workshop to see for myself what was going on.

 

I feared I'd find partly-built Camel Enclosures, but my mind was set at ease when I saw the finishing touches being applied to a Beach Hut.

 

I demanded to know what the sand was for, and Wilson replied simply, 'Well, it's for the "beach" obviously – what did you think it was for?'

 

I made no mention of the purported Camel Sanctuary lest it give him ideas… 

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New Readers Start Here Nº 13

THE sTONE BROTHERS

• Wilson bought sTony then sToneye as garden ornaments – at first Antony and TT used to be terrified of them, but now they've accepted them as members of the family.

• They are both charming and very friendly, despite their alarming appearance.

• The door handles glued to their heads date from the time Wilson tried to use them as Curling Stones during the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics – they're both a bit resentful about the handles still being in place…