LIVE SLOW

Wilson has produced a badge for all his friends, extolling the Anteater Way Of Life.

I mentioned to him that I thought the badge should have read, 'Get Rich, Eat Ants' but he said he didn't want to be too obvious about his personal credo… or encourage unnecessary competition.

ORIENTATION LECTURE

Wilson is delivering what he calls an Orientation Lecture to Jīqìrén, which he says will help her settle in and feel at home.

The title of his lecture is Things To Do When You're Bored – I wouldn't have thought this would be of much use to Jīqìrén as she won't have time to be bored, what with all the Useful Tasks and Housekeeping she will no doubt be performing, but far be it from me to interfere with Wilson's carefully crafted Induction Programme…

PHASERS ON STUN

To date there's been little or no sign of Jīqìrén's much-vaunted helpfulness – so far she's just sat in silence watching children's tv with Wilson.

When I asked whether she'd mind if I changed channels to watch The News she said nothing – but made a ominous sound not unlike Phasers On Stun, or perhaps a Light Sabre…

Still, never mind – the News will only be all about Brexit, so I don't really need to see it – in fact, I'm probably happier for NOT having seen it.

Although, I would quite like to see Joanna Lumley's Japan later tonight – maybe Jīqìrén will have gone to bed by then…

WELCOME JĪQÌRÉN

Before introducing Jīqìrén to the rest of the family, Nërp took her indoors with Wilson, Byron and me to explain that for a little while this would be her new home and we would be her new family. 

For some reason, Nërp coughed as he said 'little while' – he doesn't usually exhibit any vocal tics whatsoever, but I expect he had a fragment of packing material caught in his voice synthesiser.

He went on to tell us how helpful and beneficial Jīqìrén would be around the house, performing housework and small chores without complaint.
Nërp coughed again as he said 'helpful' – perhaps I should get him some cough medicine – or WD40?

Addressing the tiny android in an attempt to draw her into conversation, I said, 'Jīqìrén is a beautiful name – does it mean anything?'

Nërp answered for her, saying, 'Yes, it's a very pretty name, both charming and delightful. It's Chinese for Robot.'

Jīqìrén said nothing, but emitted a faint whirring sound as she raised her arm and inserted her thumb into her mouth.

'Don't suck your thumb, Jīqìrén dear,' Nërp admonished her, 'If you short-circuit you could start a nasty fire!'