It's taken a while (he's been trying since he first moved in with me) but at long last I think Wilson has invented something genuinely useful!
I admit I was a bit sceptical when he and Byron first showed it to me, but we all went out into the garden for a practical demonstration of this as-yet unnamed boon to humanity.
The Bees accompanied us in case of a medical mishap, and Nërp bravely volunteered to be Test Subject.
Once in open ground I was able to properly examine Wilson's invention (code-named The Device) and I could see that it consisted of a two-metre-long pole with a plastic hand affixed to one end.
Byron enquired whether everyone was ready for the demonstration to commence, then nodded to Wilson – who proceeded to wave his stick wildly around his head!
'Hey, take care!' I shouted, 'You're going to hit someone with that!' – but he carried on regardless.
Nërp slowly approached him, and received a vicious blow to the head.
Wilson placed The Device on the ground and explained that hitting someone was the whole idea – but no one would be hit unless they were within 2m, so it would perfectly enforce the government-approved social distance between the person holding it and everyone else!
'If anyone complains about being whacked around the head,' he continued, 'I shall simply explain that I am a Government Social Distancing Officer working under-cover and issue an on-the-spot fine. That should shut them up!'
Once I grasped the concept I could see what a simple but brilliant game-changer it would be, and I immediately placed an order for one.
It will be exactly what I need next time I go to the Garden Centre or Supermarket…
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