FAMILY VISIT

'Before we think about holidays,' I replied, 'it's that time of year when you visit your family at the zoo. Reconnect with your Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, and meet all your new half-brothers and -sisters!'

'Don't make me go, New Dad!' he groaned. ' My Mum, Mrs V, has only got FOUR tv channels, and they're all black-and-white! And dial-up internet! There's no Wi-Fi!'

'Come on,' I said encouragingly, 'you'll love seeing your Big Sister Andrea again, and little Byron!'

He regarded me doubtfully.

'Honestly,' he said, 'this is a bad time for me to leave; I'm about to apply for an EU Farm Subsidy for my tomato farm!'

'And as soon as you get back,' I continued, 'we'll go on a proper holiday — I promise!'

I think that has tipped the balance — I'll phone the zoo and get them to tell Mrs V to expect him at the weekend...