LEONARD AND MARIANNE – WORDS OF LOVE

A couple of nights ago Wilson, Byron and I sat together to watch Doc Martin.

It was, as always, slight but entertaining, though I did notice Wilson sniffing every time Caroline Katz appeared…

As requested, I recorded the Leonard Cohen documentary Leonard and Marianne: words of love for Wilson.

I actually watched it live before he returned home – and I must say it was not at all what I had expected, nor hoped for.

Unless W specifically asks about it, I'm not going to mention it, and just hope he forgets all about it…

BEES' BLOG

Hello and welcome to October!

We are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.

You can't imagine how happy we are that Wilson is home again! 

While he was away at the zoo we got quite worried about his New Dad – he just sat around worrying about Brexit and not eating properly – but now that Wilson is safely back home again he's already looking a bit happier.

Wilson's brother Byron has also come to stay, which is good because he helps W to remember he's an anteater and not Alan Sugar or Richard Branson!

So, we've been The Bees, and you've been Great!

We'll see you again next month – until then BEEEEEEE GOOD! 

HOME SWEET HOME

I've only just arrived home from collecting Wilson from  the zoo.

The visit took a bit longer than I'd expected, what with Wilson's Mum inviting me in for a cup of tea with gin, introducing me to all the new cubs* which have been born since my last visit, flirting outrageously with several of Wilson's stepfathers, passing out dead drunk for what Wilson described as her 'afternoon nap', and so on that it was late afternoon before I made my excuses and left.

I was only mildly surprised when Wilson went to collect his suitcase and returned accompanied by Byron carrying his suitcase too…

Tomorrow being the first of October, it will be The Bees turn to Blog – don't forget to check it out!
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*Mrs V has such a great profusion of children, I sometimes wonder whether she might not be in some kind of Zoo Breeding Programme? I don't like to mention this to Wilson, but it's no wonder his mum has trouble remembering the kids' names!

FREE CALENDAR PART FOUR

Following my phone call from Wilson yesterday, allow me to present as promised the fourth and final part of his free 2019 Calendar part-work: October, November and December, which of course includes those dates most important in a young anteater's life: Halloween, Fireworks Night and Xmas.

Also, Brexit Day, but the less said about that the better – I just can't bear to even think about it…

On a brighter note, though, I shall be collecting Wilson from the zoo tomorrow!
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For personal reasons, in future fewer of Wilson's Adventures will be accompanied by photographs – I'm really sorry about this, and hope you can accept my apologies.

WILSON BREAKS HIS SILENCE

I've just received a telephone call from Wilson!

He said he was calling to remind me to post the new page of his free 2019 Calendar part-work, which I agreed to do, but I sensed he had something else on his mind.

Eventually he said that the new series of Doc Martin had started, and although he had seen the first episode, how could he be expected to watch his erstwhile fiancée and current love of his life Caroline Katz on a 12" black and white television?

Also, there is a Leonard Cohen documentary on BBC2 tonight, Marianne and Leonard: Words of Love which (since his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua's TV can only receive BBC1 and ITV) he asked if I would record for him.

Finally, he asked whether I could pick him up from the Zoo so he could come home and watch the Leonard Cohen programme with me…

POSTCARD FROM THE ZOO

I've just received a postcard from Wilson at the Zoo!

He didn't say very much – really it was just a reminder that tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

He and his brother Byron are busy promoting TLAP Day but apparently none of the other animals have ever heard of Talking Like A Pirate, so he's doing a lot of explaining – actually even the idea of 'talking' is quite new to some of the more primitive species...

On top of which, it seems that very few of the other animals have any idea what a Pirate is, which is making W's task all the more difficult.

There was no mention of how he's getting on, nor when he's thinking of coming home… :o(

BACK TO THE ZOO

I've just returned from taking Byron back to the Zoo (because he's missing his Mum, Mrs V) and Wilson has gone with him so he can reconnect with his family and re-visit some of his old friends there.

Because some of the other animals persistently start up Internet Scams (yes, Warthogs – I do mean you!) there is no Free Wi-Fi at the zoo, so Wilson won't be able to contact me in the 21st Century manner to which he's accustomed (unless he can borrow an iPhone off one of the Keepers) but he's promised to keep in touch via Post Cards, and in case of emergency there's always Mrs V's land line – although Mrs V doesn't like him using that.

I've only been back about an hour, but already the house seems very quiet.

Very empty. 

I really don't like this – I'm missing the little guy and his brother already…

THE GIRL IN THE SPIDER'S WEB

This being the last night Byron will be here with us, we all stayed up late to watch The Girl In The Spider's Web together.

After my experiences with Wilson in the past watching Lisbeth Salander movies I did have some reservations, but both boys begged me, so I agreed.

It was a tiny bit racy, and I did notice Byron blushing a little a couple of times, but apart from a bit of below-par GreenScreen work at the beginning, it was excellent – impossible situations were escaped from in the nick of time, plenty of action, plenty of peril – everything a film needs to appeal to young anteaters!

Salander in this film was played by gamin beauty Claire Foy, and I sensed that W was – once again – a little bit smitten.

In fact, while the End Credits were rolling, W remarked, 'Lisbeth looked well dench!'

This is the first time I've seen him show any real enthusiasm about a girl (apart from a brief but entirely understandable infatuation with Cara Delevigne) since his cancelled wedding to Cinthya Nazereth – the 'Loveliest Sloth in the World'…

I just hope I'm not about to be inundated with requests for a Tattoo, a Motorbike or – especially – a Lamborghini Aventador LP…
 

A FORMAL INTRODUCTION

Hello, we are The Bees and this is our Guest Blog!

We would like to welcome you to the First Day of Meteorological Autumn [Fall] – and to our new Friend, Newbie!

Newbie (her name is actually Jennifer, but because of a misunderstanding Wilson has given her the name 'Newbie' and she doesn't like to make a fuss – but we'll call her Jennifer) who we rescued from under a Death Sentence imposed on her by DEFRA which, for some unaccountable reason thought she was a Turkish Immigrant bee with a deadly disease.

Jennifer has come to live with us now, and is settling in very well. The Respirator will only have to remain in place for a little bit longer, and underneath it she's VERY pretty – just like us!

Our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, love her… but they keep asking why Jennifer looks like us… but not like them.

I suppose we're going to have to have a Very Difficult Conversation with them some time soon.

Wilson is adopted, so we might have a chat with him, just to get his advice.

Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you again next month. 

Until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD!  

NO-SHOW

'How did the presentation go?' I hear you ask.

'When will we see Wilson's logo on tv? And why was there no Blog yesterday?'

Taking the last question first, there was no Blog because we were all waiting for the ITV Executives to arrive to see Wilson's new ITV Logo… but they didn't. 

The truth eventually emerged – as I suspected, everyone thought someone else had called and arranged the meeting, but in fact nobody had, and the ITV Logo Committee was blissfully unaware of the presentation.

Perhaps this was for the best, because the longer we waited the more nervous Wilson became, and the more he calmed his nerves by consuming the snacks intended for the Logo Committee – including all the Ant Gin! He ended the day passed out in the arm chair, and had to be carried to bed by Byron and Nërp.

As soon as everyone was awake this morning, I took this photograph which Wilson is going to mail to ITV by Recorded Delivery, so all may yet be well!

A JOB WELL DONE

Byron, Nërp and Wilson have carried their completed logo into the library, where they are admiring their work.

Nërp says that as long as the ITV Executives turn up to their meeting on Friday, getting the logo on tv is a 'Dead Cert'.

Wilson's plan is to ply the visitors with drinks, as he's heard that 'Everyone in the Media Biz' will 'Do Anything' for free booze, and he's pretty sure a copious supply of Ant Gin will do the trick.

My own, admittedly limited, experience does bear this assertion out, but I fear W may have overestimated the deliciousness and persuasive power of Ant Gin, which is a bit of an acquired taste.

What is much less certain is whether the ITV Executives will come to Friday's meeting – or if they are even aware of it, since as far as I can tell, everyone thinks it has been arranged, but nobody knows by whom, and certainly none of the prospective visitors has RSVP'd…

WORKING IN THE GARDEN

When Wilson is 'working in the garden' it usually means numerous expensive trips to the Garden Centre, but this time it's different: he, Byron and Nërp are all hard at work spray-painting their 3D ITV Logo – and themselves, obviously. 

I'm just glad the younger children are still out of harm's way indoors, as car enamel is notoriously difficult to remove from plush!

Nërp estimates that the work will be completed by Wednesday, and they plan to make their presentation to ITV on Friday, once the paint is fully dry, as apparently nothing is more likely to annoy a TV Executive than getting paint on his pinstripe.

Whether or not ITV is aware of this presentation remains unclear…

WORK BEGINS ON THE ITV STATION IDENT

Work has already begun on the construction of the ITV Logo!

I'm relieved to note that the work is being carried out in Wilson's Library rather than the living room, but I really hope they take everything outside before they start using that spray paint!

For their own safety, I'm keeping the younger children away from the Construction Zone – at least until all the sawing is completed – I can't bear the sight of spilled kapok!

During a tea break, Byron approached me – he said how much he was enjoying his stay here with Wilson and his little family, but that he was beginning to miss his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua.

I offered to take him home straight away, but he said he was much too involved in building the ITV Logo at the moment, but he would like to go back to his own family at the zoo once it was finished…

ITV STATION IDENT

When ITV redesigned its logo and station idents in 2013 (kindly modelled in this picture by Nërp, on his rear screen) I didn't like them at all, thinking them vapid and naïve. 

However, since 2019, ITV has taken its logo and cleverly transformed it into an ever-expanding series of animated station idents rivalling the best of BBC2's in its heyday. 

While most are beautiful and clever, many of them are like Art Installations or, in some cases, Performance Art!

Wilson and Byron were discussing them when Nërp walked in and asked whether they'd like to make one of their own!

Would they? Silly question – of course they would!

#itvcreates 

A SPECIAL TREAT – TEA WITH A HINT OF ANTS

The reason for yesterday's excitement is now clear – Wilson has been on-line and tracked down a special, authentic Costa Rican Anteater Delicacy, and that was what was in the package. 

He and Byron are presenting me with this as a thank-you for allowing Byron come to stay, and for feeding, entertaining and looking after him while he's here.

They spent quite a lot of time in the kitchen preparing this, but eventually they proudly presented me with a cup of: Tea With A Hint Of Ants.

Honestly, there was quite a lot more than just a hint of ants, but it was  such a kind gesture that I bravely drained my cup while giving every outward sign of great enjoyment – satisfied 'Mmmm' sounds and a lot of lip-smacking.

I can apparently keep the rest of the packet, although I might share it with Wilson.

Or save it for the next time Byron comes to stay…

A PARCEL ARRIVES

This morning the postman brought a package addressed to Wilson.

It was evidently something he and Byron had been expecting, as they both excitedly rushed out into the hall to examine it.

There was no clue as to the parcel's contents, although it gave off a faint but pungent smell, and was worryingly labelled 'Perishable' – I hope there's nothing alive inside, or anything that would warrant a visit from HM Customs and Excise… 

GUERILLA MARKETING

Wilson and Byron have popped round to Tesco to do something they described as 'guerrilla marketing'.

I don't even know what that is, but I don't like the sound of it – and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to he happy when I find out…

GIFT BOOKS

Today, while we were out having coffee in a local cafe, I gave Wilson and Byron the books I'd bought for them.

They were both very pleased (Wilson in particular brandished his book in the air and ran round showing it to anyone who'd look, while shouting, 'I Am The Greatest!') and while Byron seemed pleased by the gift, I sensed that something was not quite right.

I pressed him on this, but he said, 'Oh no, there's nothing wrong, Wilson's New Dad – it's a lovely book and I shall treasure it forever!'

'But?…' I persisted, 'You can tell me anything – I won't be cross.'

'Well…' he replied, 'It's nothing really… but the books are called "Wilson is the Greatest" and "Byron is the Greatest" and, well, we can't both be the Greatest, because "Greatest" is a Superlative, so while there can be many "Greats" there can be only one "Greatest". I'm really sorry to have mentioned this…'

I suggested that we could pop into the stationers and but a bottle of Tippex, and change 'Greatest' to Great', but B wouldn't hear of it, saying, 'I'm sure Wilson would rather carry on thinking he is the Undisputed Greatest than merely Great!'

How well Byron knows his brother!

APOLOGY

Wilson has apologised for yesterday's menacing solicitors letter, saying that he was merely trying to raise funds to secure Pterry's future. 

'In any case, my application to trademark the word "and" has been turned down,' he confessed. 'I suppose now you'd like me to return your £3.00 "illegal useage" fees?'

I nodded.

'There's nothing like motherhood,' he continued, 'to make you realise your responsibilities!' conceding that 'possibly' he should have warned me in advance of the fees payable…

I suggested that it might be more ethical to simply install a Swear Jar, but he countered that I don't swear enough to make that a viable option, whereas I say 'and' all the time.

I don't swear enough? Really? I fear that might be about to change!

SOLICITORS LETTER

Today being World Honeybee Day (as opposed to World Bee Day and World Don't-Step-On-A-Bee Day earlier this month) we were just preparing a little party to welcome Newbie the New Bee to our little family, when the postman called with a Registered Delivery for me.

It was a letter from Messrs I Can't Believe It's A Solicitor plc on behalf of their client, W Vermilingua Esq.

The letter says that I am to be charged the sum of £2.00 for my four unlicensed uses of the word 'and' in yesterday's blog, and advising me that not only should I expect to be invoiced the sum of 50p for each future unlicensed use, I should in future always write the word as follows: 'and™'.

I looked at Wilson and said, 'You've registered the word "And" – and you're trying to charge me every time I use it? Really? That's an outrage!'

'I should probably have mentioned that to you,' he replied, 'But allow me to explain: 
     (1) I think you mean "and™", 
     (2) if you're going to flout the law, you should expect to pay the price, and™ finally 
     (3) I didn't want to mention this, but you owe me another £1 for your last sentence!'

Uncle Zoltan then appeared, as if on cue, read through my letter and™ pronounced it '200 per cent legal – you've no option but to pay up, Wilson's New Dad – or face Jail Time!'

Byron shuffled about looking awkward and™ embarrassed. 

I glared at Wilson, but Uncle Z continued, 'Of course I have some experience in these matters, and™ I would happily represent you in court for a… well, a trifling fee, but as my client I should probably advise you that in all likelihood you'll go down!'

Acknowledging my agitation, Wilson told me, 'Calm down, New Dad – why don't you take a couple of your Zyquako Tablets? You know how much better they make you feel!'