Wilson has told me that 'A few minor side-effects' are a small price to pay for losing 18 pounds in less than a week, but with regret he has decided to withhold publication of his Celebrity Diet Book, for fear of legal action.
'We live in a Litigious Society, New Dad!' he told me, shaking his head sadly. 'Unscrupulous people will try to sue over the tiniest thing. I know this, because I've tried it myself…'
What with the diet making me too weak to move, I've not spent much time in the garden lately, but this morning I took a stroll outside to get some fresh air – imagine my shock when I noticed that Wilson's Museum was missing!
I called to him, 'Wilson! Wilson! Come quickly – someone has stolen your Museum!'
A moment later he arrived, looking very businesslike in a parka and a hard hat and carrying a clipboard, to tell me that the Museum Rebuild had started.
I fear for the future of my lovely garden…
Wilson has suffered a bit of a setback with his Celebrity Diet Book: side effects.
He told me that having carefully observed me, although my weight loss was 'Excellent' there were one or two 'unexpected' problems including, but not limited to:
• Ravenous hunger
• Mood swings
• Fainting
• Dizzyness
• Loss of interest in things
• Vomiting
• Sunken eyes
• Loss of co-ordination
• Hallucinations
• Passing out
To me these sound like the symptoms of starvation (which would not surprise me in the least) but I can't help but wonder if some of the Diet Foods Wilson has fed me may have disagreed with me.
I'm thinking in particular of the Dried Dung Beetles, but I even felt a bit queasy after yesterday's Scorpion Lollipop…
You probably noticed that yesterday was Chinese New Year.
I had hoped I would be allowed a day off from my diet so I could eat a few of the snacks Wilson provided at his Chinese New Year's Party, but sadly that was not to be. He told me that sometimes he had to be cruel to be kind…
Today, though, all my pain and sacrifice seemed worthwhile when Wilson accompanied me into the bathroom, weighed me and told me I am doing 'very well' – so well, apparently, that he has named me Slimmer Of The Week and rewarded me with a special treat snack.
It's a Scorpion Lollipop.
By way of encouragement, he says there are 'plenty more where that came from' if I can keep up my excellent rate of weight-loss.
Also – as a special concession – he handed me a leftover Fortune Cookie. It said:
'I cannot help you, for I am just a cookie…'
Wilson, in the spirit of never willingly missing a chance to party, would like to wish you all a Very Happy Chinese New Year!
We are just entering the Year Of The Pig, and although Wilson loves pigs (he thinks they're 'Well Cute') he's been waiting patiently for it to be the Year Of The Anteater.
From what little I know of the Chinese Zodiac, I predict he's going to have a long wait – but he says that if next year isn't the turn of the Anteaters he's going to declare it to be so unilaterally…
Wilson has just proudly shown me the final cover artwork for his Celebrity Diet Book, although the contents are still being decided upon.
During what he calls the Diet Testing Phase, he is writing down the recipe of everything he prepares for me, and giving it a score out of ten according to how much of it I can force down.
I asked Wilson, if I really can Eat As Much As I Like, how will I lose weight?
In reply, he touched the side of his nose wisely and and explained that eating as much as you liked was the beauty of the whole Diet Plan: the dishes weren't very tasty, so dieters wouldn't want to eat much of them.
I can confirm, from what I've tasted, that is indeed the case.
In fact some of the recipes are so loathsome and abominable I didn't even want to taste them once, let alone have a second mouthful… although to be fair, I have already lost a few pounds!
Before Wilson publishes his Diet Book, he wants to try out his dietary method on me.
I protested that I was not yet fully recovered from my recent illness, but he would brook no objection, telling me rather that I would heal faster if I could shed a few Kg.
He's got a lot of Dietary Ingredients lined up in the kitchen, and I have to say, I don't like the sound of them.
Nor the smell.
Nor the size of the saucepan – I hope he doesn't make too much, for I know I shall have to finish up whatever he prepares…
For goodness, sake, he's got a pot of Dried Dung Beetles there – he say's they're to add 'piquancy'!
Today I came across Wilson lounging in an armchair looking pensive.
'What's up, matey?' I asked him.
'Well, New Dad,' he replied, 'I was watching tv last night, and this reporter said that a Social Influencer was someone who writes a Blog and has more than 3,000 Followers.'
'That sounds a lot like you!' I said, encouragingly.
'Yes,' he agreed, 'it sounds a LOT like me! I've got more than TWICE as many Followers as that, but no-one has ever paid me to do a Celebrity Endorsement of anything…'
'Hmmm,' I told him, 'I'd guess that's because everyone knows you have such high moral standards that you would never even consider endorsing something in return for mere cash!'
He nodded thoughtfully, saying, 'True. But the money would come in very handy!'
Shrugging philosophically, he added, 'Still, my Celebrity Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Diet Book will be out soon, and the money will start rolling in – recipe testing starts tomorrow, so I hope you're prepared!'
I couldn't suppress a small, involuntary shudder…
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Wilson has lent us an Advance Copy of his 'Eat As Much As You Like' Celebrity Diet Book – we've both piled on a few grams over Xmas, and we'd like some help to shift them.
We think this will be the ideal diet for us as we enjoy eating as much as we like…
To be honest, though, we're both a bit worried.
We try to look happy all the time, because it's the Bee Way, but as Ms Davina McCall says, sometimes we have to Fake Happiness because… well, no-one wants to see a Sad Bee!
What we're worried about is this postcard Wilson received from Uncle Zoltan.
Reading between the lines, we're not sure how much of a success his Nationwide Drumming Tour really is but, being a very Proud Hornet, he won't admit it.
So, Polly and I are considering mounting an Uncle Z Rescue Mission to bring him home.
As long as there isn't too much snow – we don't like snow!
Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
Following the consumption of much (manifestly NON-diet) food, Wilson and his Literary Agent Antony have just shown me the first dummy of his Celebrity Diet Book.
I had to express some doubt over Wilson's use of the word 'Fad' in the title – he had assumed that it was a wholly positive term because people were always talking about Fad Diets, but once he'd Googled it he agreed that it should go.
After much deliberation and discussion, he and Antony have agreed upon a new title:
The Wilson Vermilingua Celebrity Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Diet Book.
One of Wilson's 'brilliant ideas' was to write and publish a best-selling celebrity diet book… and this morning, he started work on it.
My heart sank a little at the news, and I immediately began to plead that I was still convalescing from my illness and needed a varied and nourishing range of foodstuffs, rather than testing his limited-calorie recipes.
He raised one paw and looked at me pityingly.
'The recipes are not the important part of a Diet Book,' he told me. 'The actual recipes and so on are the last thing on my mind now. The vital ingredient of any Celebrity Recipe Book is the COVER – that's what my Literary Agent and I are working on now.'
'What is the title of your book?' I enquired.
A small smile spread over his face as he replied, 'I'm calling it The Wilson Fad Diet Book – catchy, don't you think?'
Another postcard has arrived from Uncle Z – this one probably a bit more realistic in its tone.
It shows an establishment even less salubrious-looking than the last, where he says he's playing lunchtime gigs in a nearby village.
He confesses that the locals there are not such great fans of Avant Garde freeform jazz drumming as his audience in Glasgow had been.
During his last performance, one audience member strode through from the Saloon Bar and approached him.
Uncle Z thought he was going to ask for an autograph or make a request, but instead he bent down and hissed, 'If'n ya don't stop ya bangin', ya skannocky wee bullstang, ye'll be havin' a Close Encounter with a rolled-up Daily Mail!'
Uncle Z immediately stopped playing… but later gave this 'uncouth lout' a sting on the ankle – right on the bony part!
That sounds exactly like Uncle Zoltan!
I'm feeling a tiny bit better today.
In order to calm Wilson, I have persuaded him that what I'm suffering from is not after all The Black Death, but merely Man Flu.
He was reassured, but is now telling me that I'm a Big Baby and Making A Fuss Over Nothing.
He says I want to try being an anteater – they can't just rush round to the Pharmacy when they feel a bit off-colour; they just have to Get On With Life, as they've been doing for millions of years!
This is a bit ironic, as Wilson is constantly round at the Pharmacy asking for reassurance over some real or imagined ailment.
However, he did advise me to keep taking The Bees' Nasty Medicine, as they probably know best and if it tastes nasty enough it just might do me some good.
Also, he's cancelled my Funeral Plan – he said it was way too expensive for someone who, as he put it, 'could still live for months'…
Okay, it's time to 'fess up:
All this Glitch in the Matrix stuff isn't real – it's just been Wilson's way of not admitting to himself that the reason I've not been blogging is because I'm a bit poorly. He doesn't deal with illness very well.
It's probably nothing more than a heavy cold, and he usually accuses me of being a 'big baby', but after watching something on The History Channel he's got it into his head that I've got the Plague – he keeps checking me for Buboes when he thinks I'm not looking.
The Bees have rallied round with their massive supply of Nasty Medicine ('If it's not nasty' they say, 'it won't do you any good!') while Wilson is in the living room trying to sign me up to a Funeral Plan…
I don't know whether I'll be back tomorrow, but the Blog will resume as soon as I feel up to it – I promise!
Before they get better.
Or so I'm told.
Highly skilled Matrix Engineers are working day and night (actually they're not working at night, they insist on double-time for night work) to fix things, and the Blog should be back in just a few days!
Keep On Checkin'!
Apologies for the lack of Blog over the last few days.
Please stand by for a RESUMPTION OF NORMAL BLOGGING in the near future!
Over breakfast this morning, the postman called with a postcard addressed to Wilson – from Uncle Z!
In it he reported a sell-out for his performances at prestigious music venue King Tut's Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow.
The postcard, however, was postmarked Ringles Cross, which is about two miles from here and, as Wilson pointed out, Uncle Z and his drum kit look like a very poor Cut-n-Paste job, which still bears traces of Glu-Stik…
________________
FYI: Updates from Wilson may be a bit intermittent for the next few days, due to an illness in the family.
Wilson is now fully recovered from his self-imposed incarceration in the Brain Lab, and has just shown me the fruits of his cerebral labours – his list of allegedly Brilliant Ideas:
• Write a Book of Inspirational Quotations [I daren't think]
• Invent a Celebrity Diet [I'm guessing ants will feature heavily]
• Rebuild his Museum [sounds expensive, I'll try to talk him out of this]
and
• Publish a series of Educational Books for Children [he's still a child himself – but perhaps that will give him a natural advantage!]
I don't mean to be churlish, but four ideas seems a meagre harvest for two whole days of thinking…
Two days after confining himself in The Mind Laboratory (AKA his bedroom) Wilson has run out of Essential Supplies and emerged, his notebook replete with (ostensibly) brilliant ideas.
Once out, the first thing he asked for was breakfast cereal and a quad espresso.
I hope he still thinks his ideas are brilliant once he's had a chance to consider them – but honestly I'll be pleased if any of them provide something to occupy him in the tedious interlude between Xmas and Easter.
He told me he'll explain his many schemes once he's fully recovered his equilibrium – I think he means once his hangover has subsided…
Even with his calendar to help him plan, Wilson still can't think of anything to do.
Therefore he has announced that he will move into the Tumble Dryer, now re-named THE MIND LABORATORY and vowed not to emerge until he has had at least one 'brilliant idea'.
He's taken with him a catering-size box of Cheesy Wotsits and a litre bottle of Ant Gin (both of which he assures me are 'brain food'), his iPhone (in case of emergencies) and a note pad to write down his ideas.
When boiled down to basics, this amounts to nothing more than a day in bed – but even so, I can't see him lasting more than a day, two at most…
This morning Wilson was still complaining that he's bored and he's got nothing to do.
When I was his age, I'd nothing better to resort to than a jigsaw puzzle, but I don't bother telling him this.
Instead, I've persuaded him to produce a Quarterly Calendar so, when he does think of something to do, he can write it on the calendar to remind himself about it later.
He's just finished the calendar, but says he still can't think of anything interesting to put on it…
Perhaps you could print out a copy for yourself and write interesting things on it – Dentists' Appointments, getting the car MOT'd and so on – so you've got something nice to look forward to!
