Nërp the Robot has been digging in the back garden since last Monday, so over breakfast I asked Wilson how he was getting on... and whether we were rich yet.
He clapped a paw to his head and exclaimed, 'Nërp – I'd forgotten all about him!'
Following W out to the site of the 'V-Coin Mine' I beheld a massive pit – a chasm, a crater, a crevasse – in the middle of the lawn. Surrounded by huge spoil heaps.
And right at the bottom of the hole – barely visible – was Nërp, humming happily to himself while he dug.
Not humming a tune, exactly, just making a humming sound. Perhaps he's overheating? Whatever, if he goes much deeper, he's going to need a canary!
Wilson peered into the V-Coin Bucket expectantly. 'Well?' I asked.
'Nothing!' he replied, shaking his head despondently.
Hello! We are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
There are some people who can't wait to open their mouth and start talking – then they're as surprised as everyone else by what comes out!
Luckily, though, not everyone is like Boris Johnson or President Trump – some people consider what they're about to say very carefully, and our friend Neil the Sloth is one of those people.
About a week ago Neil took everyone by surprise by suddenly saying 'Happy', so since then Billi and I have been taking it in turns to sit with him to see whether he was going to say anything else... and he has!
Yesterday morning, right out of the blue, he said, 'Chris.'
Now we don't want to jump to any conclusions, but we think he may be in the middle of saying 'Happy Christmas'!
If we're right, then isn't that a lovely thing to say?
It may be over a month late, but that's the speed Sloths work at, and there's nothing wrong with that – although Wilson sometimes gets a bit impatient with Neil when he's trying to have a conversation with him...
So, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all again next month, when we'll probably bring you more terrible news about Pesticides and so on.
Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, and Happy February to you all!
Oh – and Happy Chris from Neil!
Wilson, having started his BitCoin Mining Operation, had intended to just sit back and wait until he became rich... but he got bored with waiting and having nothing to do.
Consequently, he has produced a free poster for you to print out and stick on your wall – although I would personally recommend using something like Blu-Tack so you can easily take it down again when you get tired of it.
As for the poster's message, 'Life's More Fun When You're An Anteater' – I can vouch for the truth of that. I don't think it's so much that anteaters are especially fun-loving, I suspect it's more that, because they're so cute, they get away with more...
Wilson has taken Nërp into the garden to explain his duties, which apparently consist entirely of 'V-Coin Mining and not killing anyone.'
I'd been hoping he might help out with the household chores, maybe wash the car occasionally, but apparently not – I'll have a word with W later.
Before starting work, Nërp enquired what Virtual Coins actually look like – Wilson told him vaguely that it's difficult to say, what with them being Virtual, but that he'll know them when he finds them, and to just put them in the bucket.
Wilson invited Nërp into the living room so he could introduce him to the family – the android shuffled slowly and uncertainly into the room and smiled.
Wilson announced, 'Everyone – this is Nërp! Nërp, meet everyone!' in a cheerful, hearty voice.
Those members of the Welcoming Committee who had ever watched Robot Wars or Robocop – or remembered Wilson's previous robot – grew visibly nervous...
Before introducing Nërp to the family Wilson had a word with everyone, impressing on them the need for an 'accepting attitude' – just because their new housemate is a bit different and bigger than them, there was no need to treat him any differently to anyone else.
Then he explained how, if they ever saw Nërp hurting anyone, or trying to turn anyone into a teddy-bear, they should shout, 'Nërp – STOP! Remember the First Law of Robotics (as modified by Wilson to include soft toys)!'
He made everyone repeat this aloud until they were all word-perfect...
Following discussions with Peter the Robot, Wilson says he will no longer be known as Peter.
Apparently, Peter, or more properly, Pyotr, when written in Russian, is approximately NËRP – so henceforth he will be known as Nërp. Nërp the Robot.
I just hope I can remember that name if there's an emergency, and I need to shout, 'Nërp – stop killing Wilson right now!' or something along those lines...
Wilson is now giving Nërp a tour of the house – showing him where the TV is, where he can plug himself in to the wall sockets at meal times and so on – and generally encouraging him to make himself at home.
I asked Wilson why he needed another robot. He sighed in the manner of someone explaining something to a simpleton or a young child and told me it was for 'Mining V-Coins, obviously!'
This morning Wilson was standing in the garden waiting impatiently for his robot to reach Full Charge and passing the time by explaining to me that, because the concept of robots originated in Russia*, he has decided to give his robot a Russian name. That name will be: Pyotr, or Peter.
His name is a moot point for the time being, however, as while he is still on charge, nothing happens whatever you call him.
W was distracted from his explanation by a sudden disturbance back in the house where there were sounds of excitement and surprise – he ran inside to see what was going on.
Apropos of nothing, Neil the Sloth had just said "Happy".
Neil rarely speaks, so this unexpected pronouncement took everyone by surprise!
No-one knows where this is going, so The Bees are taking turns to sit with him just in case there's more to come.
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*Actually it originated in Czechoslovakia, but I didn't want to interrupt.
or, THE MODERN PROMETHEUS
The robot stirred, hesitantly rose to its feet and slowly turned to face Wilson; for a moment its screen flashed static, then displayed the Universal Sign for 'Feed Me!'
Wilson proffered a USB-Lightning plug which the android accepted in silence and proceeded to insert into a small slot in its head. W and I looked on with baited breath, and a growing sense of apprehension...
While we waited, Wilson explained that this Robot will be safer than the last one (the deactivated one in his museum – the one that tried to kill Antony) as he has in his possession a USB stick containing Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, which he intends to upload to the robot as soon as it's sufficiently charged.
I just hope that isn't too late – I'm guessing a crazed and vengeful robot could do quite a bit of damage even when only half-charged, but I held my tongue.
After all, there's no point antagonising it...
Although it was clear to me that I had been carrying the heavy end, I didn't find out what was actually inside the crate until Wilson had opened it.
While I was recovering my breath, W took a crowbar and levered off the lid... and I immediately understood his unwillingness to reveal its contents, for inside lay: a ROBOT.
This is not Wilson's first robot. Several years ago he built a robot to assemble teddy-bears to be donated to a Sloth Orphanage in Costa Rica; almost as soon as it was switched on, it ran amok, trying to make teddy-bears out of anything in its path – three cushions, a pair of my jeans, the carpet, the contents of the washing machine and a cabbage – before it finally tripped over the hole it had cut in the carpet, landed on top of little Antony... and tried to turn him into a teddy-bear!
With great presence of mind, Wilson punched the Emergency Shut-Down button, rendering the robot powerless, but it was touch-and-go for a moment, and since then it's been permanently decommissioned and stored in the 'Museum'.
I did not welcome the arrival of another robot, and I'm willing to bet Antony agrees with me...
This morning I was awoken unconscionably early by sounds of shouting over the noise of a fork-lift truck maneuvering a huge wooden packing case out of a delivery van.
Wilson was 'supervising' the operation, attempting to get the fork-lift and the crate through the gate and into the back garden – the gate was clearly narrower than the fork-lift, but W was 'pretty sure' it could be done with 'minimal damage' to the gate.
By the time I'd dressed and arrived on the scene, the fork-lift driver had convinced Wilson that this was 'Mission Impossible, mate! Just sign for it, will you?' and W had agreed that he and I would carry the crate through between us.
I refused point-blank to do this until I'd at least had some coffee, and Wilson grudgingly agreed... although he won't tell me what's in the crate. He says it would 'spoil the surprise!'
I think it's more likely I'd refuse to allow it on the premises – whatever it is – but time will tell...
Wilson has brought out his Dymo Labelling Machine and re-visited the Blue Plaque on our house, adding 'Inventor of the V-Coin' to his growing list of achievements.
At the moment he's standing outside the front door drawing everyone's attention to the plaque, then trying (unsuccessfully so far) to sell them a V-Coin.
So far he has failed to convince:
• The Dustmen,
• An Amazon Delivery Driver,
• The Window Cleaner,
• The men who cut our neighbours' grass
• A (very rude) man selling Double Glazing and
• Two Jehova's Witnesses.
Actually, it looked as though the Jehova's Witnesses were beginning to weaken in the face of his relentless sales pitch, but at the last minute they left without making a purchase. I think W's trying to convert them to Pastafarianism might have caused some offence.
IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson is VERY excited to have so many New Friends in:
🇵🇱 Poland,
🇺🇦 Ukraine,
🇺🇸 USA,
🇩🇪 Germany,
🇦🇪 United Arab Emirates,
🇹🇷 Turkey,
🇧🇪 Belgium,
🇫🇷 France and
🇰🇷 South Korea!
WELCOME TO YOU ALL, and please tell your friends!
Sales of V-Coins have been... well, disappointing.
Wilson's Projected Sales Figures suggested that by now he should have sold around 500 V-coins, but in fact total sales to date are in single figures.
Actually, the singlest figure there is: ONE. I felt sorry for him, so I bought one of his coins – it's not much, but W is quite pleased with the crisp new £10 note.
As for the Forecasting Faux Pas, he is blaming 'Computer Error' – I have always thought this was a euphemism for 'Operator Error', although I'm not an expert in these matters.
He told me that all I need to do now is put my framed photograph of a V-Coin somewhere safe, then sit back and wait for my V-Coin Holding to soar in value... and if it doesn't, I can always take my length of 'BlockChain' down to the Scrap Metal merchants on the Industrial Estate and convert it into hard, non-virtual cash.
He's putting a brave face on things – he says that it's still early days and he expects sales to pick up shortly.
__________________
Attention members of the WILSON VERMILINGUA APPRECIATION SOCIETY: I shall be asking you all an important question later, concerning the future of the Society. Please check the GROUP PAGE to see what this is all about!
Yesterday Wilson returned from the Hardware Store with some immensely strong chain and a length of thick rope.
He told me that they didn't have any BlockChain as such, but the assistant had recommended this steel chain as the next best thing, and he'd bought the rope just to be on the safe side – and because it smelled nice. He said he would be calling it BlockRope™®.
This morning he gathered everyone in the dining room for an pronouncement which would, he said, 'Totally banish Blue Monday'!
He handed out some Party Poppers and announced: 'I now declare the V-Coin well and truly launched!'
He nodded his head and (almost) everyone pulled their Party Popper strings and cheered.
TT – startled by the sudden noise – burst into tears and had to be taken outside by Polly.
Wilson cleared his throat and appealed for quiet, then declared that he was making an ICO*, or Initial Coin Offering whereby he will make available 100,000 V-Coins for just £10 (US$13.72 or €11.24) each.
Investors will receive:
• a framed image of a V-Coin
• a short length of BlockChain and
• a piece of BlockRope™®
in exchange for which Wilson will (eventually) receive £1M...
*I don't really know what ICO means, but Google confirms it is a thing.
Over breakfast, Wilson tried to convince me that Virtual Currencies are the way forward – apparently even failed photo giant KODAK is launching one, called the KodakCoin.
'In a year or two,' he said, 'you won't have old-fashioned, germ-ridden "real" money rubbing a hole in your pocket, or even easy-to-hack or -clone credit cards – you'll be using safe, clean and weightless E-Coins! My job is to ensure you're not using BitCoins or KodakCoins or some other inferior, fly-by-night upstart: you will be using V-Coins!'
He went on to (try to) explain to me how virtual currencies are protected against theft and fraud by something called the BlockChain – he was very earnest, and did sound as though he knew what he was talking about, but I'm afraid it all went way over my head.
(But please don't tell him this – I don't want him thinking I'm some kind of Luddite dummy.)
Anyway, he's just popped round to Green's DIY Hardware Store in the village to buy a length of BlockChain to secure his V-Coins in advance of his Official V-Coin Launch tomorrow...
Wilson proudly produced two (cardboard) coins, saying, 'I present to you... the V-Coin!'
'Wow!' I exclaimed, for want of anything more intelligent to say.
'These,' he continued, 'are the prototype designs my V-Coins – although of course, the REAL V-Coins aren't physical, they just live inside my computer.'
Then he showed me a little slot in his (ie MY) computer where he inserts the V-Coins(!), and which I had previously, naïvely, believed to be a ventilation hole.
If W has been posting coins into it, that would probably account for the funny noise the computer's been making lately...
Then he told me that, 'If anyone asks, the V in V-Coin stands for 'Virtual' but actually,' he paused to look over his shoulder and lowered his voice to a whisper, 'it stands for Vermilingua! Brilliant, eh?'
Having been up most of the night doing 'research' online, Wilson called me into the kitchen so he could present his findings.
Referring to his flipchart, he began:
❝ In March 2010 one Bitcoin was worth 0.2p ($0.003)
Just before last Xmas it was worth £12,580 ($17,000).
If I had bought just 98 Bitcoins in 2010, at a total cost of £0.22 (¢.030) I would be a £ millionaire by now...❞
'Is that really true?' I asked, shocked by his figures. 'Just ONE Bitcoin's value increased from less than a penny to... more than £12,000?'
I can give you the figures in Euros, if you prefer, he replied.
'To be fair,' he continued, 'there was a massive devaluation event just before Xmas, where it lost a third of its value in 24 hours... but that is irrelevant, because this isn't about Bitcoins...'
'It's not?' I asked, shocked by this sudden and unexpected change in direction.
'Bitcoins,' he continued, 'are History – the Big Money has already been made! I'm talking about something else entirely – something so new I've not even quite finished inventing it yet...'
____________
Members of the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society – make sure you take a look at the App Soc Facebook Page later today: there'll be a small but EXCLUSIVE Free Gift for you!
Now that Wilson's brother, Byron, has gone back to the zoo, the house is very quiet.
Wilson is just wandering around listlessly and watching more daytime tv than I approve of, so today I packed him, Antony and TT into the car and took them all to the seaside for some kite-flying, fresh air and al fresco dining.
W seemed to enjoy himself, but I could tell he was a bit... distracted. As we drove home I discovered what he'd been musing about when he asked me, 'New Dad – what do you know about Bitcoins?'
My heart sank a little, but I told him what I knew – which wasn't much.
'Well,' I replied, 'Bitcoin is a "Virtual Currency". It's like imaginary money that only exists because a lot of people think it exists. You "earn" Bitcoins by solving difficult problems on a computer (it's called "Bitcoin Mining") and there can never be more than 21 million Bitcoins in existence – except they don't really exist anyway...'
I went on to warn him not to get involved, as the prevailing wisdom is that Bitcoin could go bust at any moment.
I didn't want yesterday's incident at the car park to spoil Byron's last day with us, so I refunded all the dissatisfied visitors to Wilson's Motor Museum myself and let the boys keep their somewhat ill-gotten gains.
Then, following a large and elaborate dinner, cooked by W and described by him as The Last Supper (I picked all the ants out of mine, but I did it subtly, so as not to cause offence) he and Byron spent their final night sleeping in the washing machine.
This morning Byron was preparing to return to the zoo the way he had arrived – on the bus – but burdened as he was by his Xmas presents, gifts for his family, left-over food etc, I insisted on taking him in the car.
I must say, the house is going to seem very quiet without the sounds of him and Wilson shouting, laughing, wrestling and generally getting into mischief – I hope W doesn't feel too lonely without him here...
When the boys asked if they could open a Motor Museum, I thought that would just involve them arranging Wilson's toy cars in his 'Museum' and charging me to look at them.
This morning, though, I had a telephone call from the police, asking me to come down to the Luxford Car Park in the village as there was a disturbance.
When I arrived i found Wilson sitting in a Booth selling Admission Tickets, while Byron was manning a barrier.
They were allowing cars to enter the car park without restriction, but attempting to charge pedestrians £5 to (as Wilson put it) 'view the constantly-changing exhibition of cars old and new'.
Even owners trying to return to their own cars previously parked there were being charged unless they could show Wilson a RE-ADMIT stamp on the back of their hands to 'prove' they owned one of the 'exhibits'...
