Here, just in the nick of time, is the February page of your free 2017 Anteater Calendar.
Uncle Zoltan has been waiting anxiously by the front door all day for the postman to bring a reply to his job application for the post of Editor of UK Vogue magazine.
Wilson has told me he'll be popping out as soon as darkness falls to put up a few of his 'UCKFIELD POUND WELCOME HERE' stickers on the windows of local shops.
So, just another normal day in Uckfield...
Oh, Wilson has just reminded me: members of the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society Facebook Group will receive a small* FREE GIFT later today!
*Really, very small. Almost undetectable.
Following the fashion advice he gave me a couple of days ago, Uncle Zoltan is applying to be Editor of English Vogue Magazine, now that the position has become vacant.
In other news, one or two* people have reported problems spending their Uckfield Pounds — apparently a few local traders are reluctant to accept the U£ as legal currency, and the rest say they don't even know what the U£ is.
In response, Wilson has designed a handy and eyecatching "Uckfield £ Welcome Here" sticker that local shopkeepers can put in their windows.
Also, don't worry if you're waiting for February's page of your 2017 Anteater Calendar — Wilson has assured me that it will be ready 'soon'.
*Everyone
Just as I was settling down to breakfast this morning, I was surprised by the arrival of Uncle Zoltan, looking like a miniature Gok Wan.
He told me he'd been thinking about what he called my 'look and feel' or expérience d'utilisateur as he put it, which he considered would be greatly enhanced if I upgraded my Designer Stubble to a full Hipster Beard. This, he said, would transform me into a total Babe-magnet!
Tempting as this idea is, the day has not yet dawned when I take fashion advice from a misanthropic hornet... although, he does look rather dashing in that top hat of his — and I think I could really work a topper!
Hmmm... thinking about it, maybe he said 'Bee-magnet', not Babe-magnet...
In the event, Billi was WAY too excited to wait until 1 Feb to show you her new glasses.
Here you can see her checking out her new look for increased gravitas and erudition, while Polly gazes at her lovingly...
As you may have guessed, it was Billi's new glasses that arrived yesterday — but she has announced that, although she has tried them on, she won't be revealing them to an eagerly waiting world until the next Bees' Blog on 1 February.
Having never before seen a bee wearing glasses I was a bit disappointed, although I do appreciate that when one starts wearing spectacles for the first time, one will naturally feel quite self-conscious.
Meanwhile, Wilson has what he describes as a 'MASSIVE FREE GIFT' for everyone: FREE MONEY!
Here is a sheet of his local currency, Uckfield Pounds, which he says you can print out and spend, 'just to kick-start the banknotes and ensure their popularity.'
His only stipulation is that you shouldn't print more than U£180 (two sheets) lest you start an inflationary spiral and the notes become devalued, thereby wrecking the local economy.
There you go, then: U£180 FREE for you to spend in Uckfield's local shops.
If you can find any shops that will accept them...
In point of fact, our postman does NOT always ring twice, but this morning — perhaps sensing the importance of the small package that he popped through the mail slot to land on our door mat — he did.
There was great excitement amongst the Bees who, as far as I can recall, have never had mail before, and they gathered with their children to inspect the packet addressed to 'Ms Billi B, New Dad's House, Uckfield, East Sussex' and boldly marked FRAGILE.
Everyone sat round gazing at this wonder for several minutes, savouring the moment, before Billi and Polly carried the envelope to their room, followed closely by the Johnson boys, both of whom were agog with curiosity.
Wilson is having a family meeting to decide on an appropriate design for his Uckfield Pound notes... and I must say, there's quite a lot of shouting going on. Basically, everybody thinks it should be their portrait on the notes.
Wilson is arguing determinedly and cogently for his portrait, partly because the Ucky Pound was his idea in the first place, and partly because he's already designed the note with his picture on it.
The sTone Brothers are willing to appear together, and Polly says she's happy to appear in a group picture with her partner Billi and their children... although Billi has added a rider of her own: she doesn't want her portrait anywhere until her new glasses have arrived.
Diesel the goldfish fiercely maintains that there is a long tradition of showing fish on banknotes, and having his image on the Uckfield Pound would lend an air of authenticity and trustworthiness.
I have never heard of that tradition, but I'm keeping well out of this discussion.
I've also made it quite clear that I don't want my portrait or name associated with this venture in any way, due to its dubious legality...
_________
Remember, you can chat with Wilson on Twitter:
@WVermilingua
and share his adventures with your friends and family by giving them the Blog link:
https://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/
Wilson is finally making money... by printing it himself.
He has suggested launching a local currency, the Uckfield Pound: Lewes (which is but a few miles away) and Bristol both have their own Pound, so why not Uckfield?
The advantage for Uckfield is that it would stimulate the local economy by encouraging shopping in small, independent and local shops, while from Wilson's point of view, he'll be able to print loads of money for himself and may finally achieve millionairehood!
He's in the dining room with Antony, who is helping him design his new notes, which he is calling the U£.
I hope this won't be a repeat of the fiasco when he last released a 'parallel' currency, the Vermilingua or V-Note.
Or when he tried to bail out the Greek economy...
Wilson has written a prescription for Billi's spectacles and Uncle Zoltan has typed a note explaining why the specs are required in such a small size.
Now Wilson has accompanied Polly and Billi round to the post box to help them send Billi's script to a mail-order glasses supplier.
Normally the bees would have flown round there, carrying the envelope between them, and popped the envelope into the slot... but I'm afraid they've piled on a few grammes over Xmas and now neither of them can actually get off the ground.
I'm sorry to say, I do know how they feel...
For reasons which are far from clear, Billi has decided that she needs glasses.
I don't think there's anything wrong with her eyes, rather that she thinks spectacles would lend her an air of gravitas and erudition. (Wilson has thought the same in the past, but he had to give up wearing them due to their constantly falling off.)
Through no fault of her own, Billi has a less-than-perfect mastery of the Roman Alphabet (which is why Uncle Zoltan or I usually type up the Bees' Blog) so Wilson has invented an ingenious Eye Test Chart for insects and amphibians, which he's certain will make him both rich and famous.
I can't help thinking that eye-tests for animals is a bit of a niche market, but time will tell...
However, if you've got a frog or lizard, maybe even a tarantula you think may have poor eyesight, please do get in touch.
Preferably with Wilson, not me!
Suggestions are invited for things Wilson can say about the anteater in his That's Not My Anteater book — so far, all he's got is:
'That's not my anteater — his tongue isn't nearly long enough'
and
'That's not my anteater — his fur isn't doormatty enough'
which is going to make for a slim volume, however thick the board it's printed on!
Uncle Zoltan's suggestion cannot be repeated in polite society.
Wilson's Assistant Editor Antony is busy, um, well... assisting with the editing I suppose, while Literary Agent TT naps until the book is ready for launch — when he will apparently leap into action.
I'll believe that when I see it...
Only a slightly* behind schedule, Wilson has finally completed the calendar page for January — and he's decorated it with a very appropriate picture, in view of yesterday's snowfall.
He has promised to try to get February's page produced in good time, possibly even before the month actually begins!
Now January's page is out of the way he's started work on his next project, his That's Not My Anteater board book.
For the prototype he's using crayons, scissors and a stick of glue — I'm just hoping he doesn't try forcing thick cardboard through the printer once he goes into production...
________________
*Quite a lot, actually
Creating a calendar for a whole year is taking Wilson longer than he anticipated.
A lot longer.
He says it would be much quicker without Uncle Zoltan's help, but he's afraid to tell him this for fear of being stung.
All he's got finished so far is the cover, but he's working on the January page — he's currently got as far as next Tuesday week, and he assures me that the entire month will be ready soon.
Hopefully before the beginning of February...
Following our discussion, Wilson has decided that his first project will be a calendar.
He intends to produce a new page every month, just for his friends, to gauge how popular it would be. He's in the dining room right now, designing it with the help of Uncle Zoltan and Diesel the Goldfish.
Uncle Z (who, once having had a nest in a print shop, claims to know what Proof Reading is) is reading out the numbers from W's Hello Kitty diary while Wilson types them in.
What Diesel is doing there I cannot even begin to imagine, and I don't like to ask for fear of offending him.
W says he hopes to have the first page of his Anteater Calendar ready for you by Wednesday.
As Uncle Z is involved, I'd suggest you check it carefully before you rely on it — I wouldn't put it past him to introduce some deliberate mistakes!
Incidentally, my new number plates didn't fall off overnight. I just hope I don't get into any trouble using them — I have to drive right past the Police Station to get into the village...
As soon as we returned home Wilson decided that I'd waited long enough and it was time to fit his main Xmas gift to me — the personalised number plates — to the car.
I feel sure there must be some sort of legal formality to be observed when changing one's number plate, but Wilson assures me that all I need is a big tube of No More Nails.
Plus some nails, 'Just to be on the safe side!'
While we were fitting it, Wilson mentioned that he'd thought about getting a numberplate of my name, GR43ME, but decided I'd prefer one showing his name instead...
Once Wilson had completed his examination of Calendars
and Children's Books we sat down in the café to review what we had
learned.
I drew Wilson's attention to the fact that all the
calendars on display were marked down to half price, because they were a
very seasonal product which, if not sold quickly, immediately lost most
of their value.
On the other hand, as one of W's friends has pointed out, maybe the Anteater Calendars were so popular that they'd all sold out — in which case there wasn't a gap in the market at all.
W
conceded that while calendars could do with more investigation,
children's books were always in high demand — to which end he's bought a
copy of That's Not My Cow for research purposes while designing his own book That's Not My Anteater.
'If That's Not My Anteater is a success,' Wilson explained, 'I will consider expanding my publishing empire with The Very Hungry Anteater and possibly even The Anteater Who Came To Tea.'
I hope the publishers of the original books don't hear about this and get a bit cross...
Moving on from calendars, Wilson checked out the display of children's books.
It didn't take him long to note the total absence of That's Not My Anteater from Usborn's range of That's Not My... touchy-feely books.
I shall prepare myself for a large invoice from on-line book publishers Blurb...
Once we reached the garden centre Wilson dashed inside and — even before calling in at the restaurant — headed directly to the Stationery department.
Here he walked slowly up and down the calendars aisle, examining each calendar in detail.
At length he rejoined me and reported his findings. 'There are calendars about Piglets, Owls, Goats and Cats. There are calendars about every breed of dog in existence, plus some made-up breeds. There are even calendars about water-skiing guinea pigs, cats doing yoga and puppies dressed up as fairies!'
I waited, sure of what was coming next. I was not disappointed.
'Do you know how many calendars there were about anteaters?'
I raised my eyebrows enquiringly, sensing this was a rhetorical question.
'NONE!' he exclaimed, 'Not a single one! I have definitely found a huge gap in the calendar market — and who is better placed to fill that gap than me?'
I should probably prepare myself for a large invoice from on-line calendar printers VistaPrint...
Now Xmas is over, Wilson woke me very early this morning, asking to go to the Garden Centre to score some post-Xmas bargains.
As we drove through the sombre, brown countryside he lamented that if only he'd been born in 'Queen Victor's' reign he could have become rich and famous by inventing the Xmas Card, but sadly all the best inventions have now been invented by other people.
I replied that as a child I had thought exactly the same, although my childhood was in an age when how things worked could generally be deduced by taking them apart; nowadays no amount of casual dismantling will tell you how a smartphone or a digital camera functions.
I suggested than maybe he could find some simple, non-technological everyday object that people loved and needed, and improve on it in some way.
He subsided into a ruminative silence until we arrived at the Garden Centre.
The entire family slept in this morning, following a very late night last night (although nobody managed to stay awake until midnight) then gathered to watch Disney's new CGI Jungle Book.
Neither Neil the Sloth nor Mole the Mole is used to TV, so Wilson gave them each a bag of Cheesy Wotsits and suggested they didn't watch the drama, lest they be scared.
Mole confessed that the Wotsits were a welcome change from Earthworms and grubs, while Neil said they were 'V-e-r-y ...' but we never found out what.
During one of the (many) comfort breaks required by the younger children, Wilson mentioned that he had been researching Xmas online, telling me confidently that, 'Before Queen Victor and her husband Prince Charles Dickens invented the Xmas Tree, Xmas used to last 12 days! I think WE should start doing that next Xmas!'
My heart sank a little at the thought of 12 days of unremitting eating and drinking, when I can barely cope with two!
'Although,' he continued, 'there weren't any presents until the last day. I don't think I could wait that long.'
I enjoyed Jungle Book much more than I'd expected — it was quite dark, and hardly at all cutesy!
______________
Being the first of the month, today should have been The Bees' Blog, but they said that, following all the festivities, they'd prefer to just chill in front of the box.
They both insisted that they weren't giving up on the Blog, and they'd be back on 1 February as usual!
