Last night Wilson, Nërp and the boys watched SpaceX's launch of the Falcon Heavy Spaceship on tv. I had to warn W to be careful how he pronounced Falcon Heavy in front of the little ones.
It was very exciting, and brought back a lot of memories for me of NASA's space shots in the '60s...
Nërp said that when he was little (ie not yet fully assembled) it had been his dream to be, as he put it, an 'AstRobot'.
Later the children started running round with jam-jars on their heads and complaining that Diesel the Goldfish was 'so lucky' because he's already got a 'proper' Space Helmet!
Just before bedtime, Polly popped in to announce that Neil the Sloth had spoken again, saying not 'Tmas' as expected, but 'Froome...'
Whatever he's trying to say, it could take some time – but rest assured, you'll hear it here first!
Since the Appreciation Society was formed, back in the mists of 2015, it has continued pretty-much unchanged.
At the beginning of January this year, Wilson approached me to ask whether it couldn't be Spruced Up. Revamped. Given a Face Lift.
Consequently I proposed re-naming it the Wonderful World of Wilson!
I liked the alliteration of the name, and the way its initials (WWW) appear at the beginning of every web page, but when I put this suggestion to the vote, opinion was divided.
The votes are now in and counted, and the new name of the App Soc is... (ANTicipatory pause for 90s drum roll)...
The WONDERFUL WORLD OF WILSON VERMILINGUA!
🎂 🎉 🍷 🎶 🐜 🍸 🍾
But this will not be some empty re-branding exercise, like calling Marathon 'Snickers', or the re-naming of JIF as 'CIF' – there will be genuine NEW and EXCLUSIVE stuff for members, plus a NEW BADGE!
This is a Group that's GOING SOMEWHERE – a Group you'll be proud to invite your friends to join!
Wilson is in favour of having a Secret Pawshake too, like the Masons and the Scouts, but one thing at a time...
Another crate has arrived – smaller than Nërp the Robot's crate, but equally heavy.
Wilson and Nërp man-handled (robot-and-anteater-handled?) it into the back garden between them; Nërp then tore the crate open with his bare hands (manipulators?) revealing a headstone for Mr Juicy.
Carrying it between them round to the site of Mr Juicy's grave, Nërp dug a shallow foundation and erected the stone.
He and Wilson stood quietly by the grave for a moment, then Nërp, although he had never met Mr Juicy, gave a moving rendition of Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto #2 in C Minor, Op. 18 (he must be equipped with MIDI) and his display flashed on and off with the message 'R.I.P. MR JUICY!'
Noticing how clean and shiny Nërp is, following the Wash 'n' Wax The Bees gave him yesterday, W is pondering on the feasibility of a Bee-Operated Car Wash.
I can't see Billi reacting well to such a proposal!
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WILSON VERMILINGUA'S APPRECIATION SOCIETY:The votes are in and counted – tomorrow there will be a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!
If you're NOT a member, why not? It's free, and there are Special, Exclusive Benefits!
Nërp is a bit rusty and dirty after all the digging in the garden.
I'd hoped Wilson might hose him down in the yard, but The Bees thought that was a bit harsh, given how cold it is, and brought him into the kitchen where they sponged him down while singing the Car Wash Song:
🎶 Working at the car wash (ohhh, yeah)
At the car wash, yeah (come on work, baby work it, say now)
At the car wash (ahh)
Working at the car wash, yeah
Ooh, do do do do do do (woo, so), na na na ah, ooh
(You may not ever get rich, but hey)🎶
With so much soapy water flying about, Wilson kept well out of the way!
Now that Nërp has been washed and waxed, he's having a lie-down in the living room, charging his batteries. Again.
I must ask Wilson about Nërp's Running Costs...
The fact that Nërp has been digging round-the-clock for five days and still uncovered not a single BitCoin has not discouraged Wilson.
Though of course, it's not Wilson who's actually doing the digging – he's only watching.
As darkness fell W popped into his Museum and came out with a hurricane lamp, so enabling mining to continue through the night.
He settled down at the side of the pit, warming his paws on the lantern, while Nërp continued to excavate without complaint...
Just after midnight I took out a scarf and a mug of hot chocolate for Wilson, who's dogged determination and optimism were by then just beginning to desert him.
In addition, Nërp was protesting that he was hungry and needed recharging – he said that if he didn't get some Volts soon, he'd be too weak to climb out of the pit.
In view of this, there seemed little alternative but to suspend Mining Operations for the night...
Nërp the Robot has been digging in the back garden since last Monday, so over breakfast I asked Wilson how he was getting on... and whether we were rich yet.
He clapped a paw to his head and exclaimed, 'Nërp – I'd forgotten all about him!'
Following W out to the site of the 'V-Coin Mine' I beheld a massive pit – a chasm, a crater, a crevasse – in the middle of the lawn. Surrounded by huge spoil heaps.
And right at the bottom of the hole – barely visible – was Nërp, humming happily to himself while he dug.
Not humming a tune, exactly, just making a humming sound. Perhaps he's overheating? Whatever, if he goes much deeper, he's going to need a canary!
Wilson peered into the V-Coin Bucket expectantly. 'Well?' I asked.
'Nothing!' he replied, shaking his head despondently.
Hello! We are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
There are some people who can't wait to open their mouth and start talking – then they're as surprised as everyone else by what comes out!
Luckily, though, not everyone is like Boris Johnson or President Trump – some people consider what they're about to say very carefully, and our friend Neil the Sloth is one of those people.
About a week ago Neil took everyone by surprise by suddenly saying 'Happy', so since then Billi and I have been taking it in turns to sit with him to see whether he was going to say anything else... and he has!
Yesterday morning, right out of the blue, he said, 'Chris.'
Now we don't want to jump to any conclusions, but we think he may be in the middle of saying 'Happy Christmas'!
If we're right, then isn't that a lovely thing to say?
It may be over a month late, but that's the speed Sloths work at, and there's nothing wrong with that – although Wilson sometimes gets a bit impatient with Neil when he's trying to have a conversation with him...
So, we've been The Bees and we'll see you all again next month, when we'll probably bring you more terrible news about Pesticides and so on.
Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, and Happy February to you all!
Oh – and Happy Chris from Neil!
Wilson, having started his BitCoin Mining Operation, had intended to just sit back and wait until he became rich... but he got bored with waiting and having nothing to do.
Consequently, he has produced a free poster for you to print out and stick on your wall – although I would personally recommend using something like Blu-Tack so you can easily take it down again when you get tired of it.
As for the poster's message, 'Life's More Fun When You're An Anteater' – I can vouch for the truth of that. I don't think it's so much that anteaters are especially fun-loving, I suspect it's more that, because they're so cute, they get away with more...
Wilson has taken Nërp into the garden to explain his duties, which apparently consist entirely of 'V-Coin Mining and not killing anyone.'
I'd been hoping he might help out with the household chores, maybe wash the car occasionally, but apparently not – I'll have a word with W later.
Before starting work, Nërp enquired what Virtual Coins actually look like – Wilson told him vaguely that it's difficult to say, what with them being Virtual, but that he'll know them when he finds them, and to just put them in the bucket.
Wilson invited Nërp into the living room so he could introduce him to the family – the android shuffled slowly and uncertainly into the room and smiled.
Wilson announced, 'Everyone – this is Nërp! Nërp, meet everyone!' in a cheerful, hearty voice.
Those members of the Welcoming Committee who had ever watched Robot Wars or Robocop – or remembered Wilson's previous robot – grew visibly nervous...
Before introducing Nërp to the family Wilson had a word with everyone, impressing on them the need for an 'accepting attitude' – just because their new housemate is a bit different and bigger than them, there was no need to treat him any differently to anyone else.
Then he explained how, if they ever saw Nërp hurting anyone, or trying to turn anyone into a teddy-bear, they should shout, 'Nërp – STOP! Remember the First Law of Robotics (as modified by Wilson to include soft toys)!'
He made everyone repeat this aloud until they were all word-perfect...
Following discussions with Peter the Robot, Wilson says he will no longer be known as Peter.
Apparently, Peter, or more properly, Pyotr, when written in Russian, is approximately NËRP – so henceforth he will be known as Nërp. Nërp the Robot.
I just hope I can remember that name if there's an emergency, and I need to shout, 'Nërp – stop killing Wilson right now!' or something along those lines...
Wilson is now giving Nërp a tour of the house – showing him where the TV is, where he can plug himself in to the wall sockets at meal times and so on – and generally encouraging him to make himself at home.
I asked Wilson why he needed another robot. He sighed in the manner of someone explaining something to a simpleton or a young child and told me it was for 'Mining V-Coins, obviously!'
This morning Wilson was standing in the garden waiting impatiently for his robot to reach Full Charge and passing the time by explaining to me that, because the concept of robots originated in Russia*, he has decided to give his robot a Russian name. That name will be: Pyotr, or Peter.
His name is a moot point for the time being, however, as while he is still on charge, nothing happens whatever you call him.
W was distracted from his explanation by a sudden disturbance back in the house where there were sounds of excitement and surprise – he ran inside to see what was going on.
Apropos of nothing, Neil the Sloth had just said "Happy".
Neil rarely speaks, so this unexpected pronouncement took everyone by surprise!
No-one knows where this is going, so The Bees are taking turns to sit with him just in case there's more to come.
------------
*Actually it originated in Czechoslovakia, but I didn't want to interrupt.
or, THE MODERN PROMETHEUS
The robot stirred, hesitantly rose to its feet and slowly turned to face Wilson; for a moment its screen flashed static, then displayed the Universal Sign for 'Feed Me!'
Wilson proffered a USB-Lightning plug which the android accepted in silence and proceeded to insert into a small slot in its head. W and I looked on with baited breath, and a growing sense of apprehension...
While we waited, Wilson explained that this Robot will be safer than the last one (the deactivated one in his museum – the one that tried to kill Antony) as he has in his possession a USB stick containing Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, which he intends to upload to the robot as soon as it's sufficiently charged.
I just hope that isn't too late – I'm guessing a crazed and vengeful robot could do quite a bit of damage even when only half-charged, but I held my tongue.
After all, there's no point antagonising it...
Although it was clear to me that I had been carrying the heavy end, I didn't find out what was actually inside the crate until Wilson had opened it.
While I was recovering my breath, W took a crowbar and levered off the lid... and I immediately understood his unwillingness to reveal its contents, for inside lay: a ROBOT.
This is not Wilson's first robot. Several years ago he built a robot to assemble teddy-bears to be donated to a Sloth Orphanage in Costa Rica; almost as soon as it was switched on, it ran amok, trying to make teddy-bears out of anything in its path – three cushions, a pair of my jeans, the carpet, the contents of the washing machine and a cabbage – before it finally tripped over the hole it had cut in the carpet, landed on top of little Antony... and tried to turn him into a teddy-bear!
With great presence of mind, Wilson punched the Emergency Shut-Down button, rendering the robot powerless, but it was touch-and-go for a moment, and since then it's been permanently decommissioned and stored in the 'Museum'.
I did not welcome the arrival of another robot, and I'm willing to bet Antony agrees with me...
This morning I was awoken unconscionably early by sounds of shouting over the noise of a fork-lift truck maneuvering a huge wooden packing case out of a delivery van.
Wilson was 'supervising' the operation, attempting to get the fork-lift and the crate through the gate and into the back garden – the gate was clearly narrower than the fork-lift, but W was 'pretty sure' it could be done with 'minimal damage' to the gate.
By the time I'd dressed and arrived on the scene, the fork-lift driver had convinced Wilson that this was 'Mission Impossible, mate! Just sign for it, will you?' and W had agreed that he and I would carry the crate through between us.
I refused point-blank to do this until I'd at least had some coffee, and Wilson grudgingly agreed... although he won't tell me what's in the crate. He says it would 'spoil the surprise!'
I think it's more likely I'd refuse to allow it on the premises – whatever it is – but time will tell...
Wilson has brought out his Dymo Labelling Machine and re-visited the Blue Plaque on our house, adding 'Inventor of the V-Coin' to his growing list of achievements.
At the moment he's standing outside the front door drawing everyone's attention to the plaque, then trying (unsuccessfully so far) to sell them a V-Coin.
So far he has failed to convince:
• The Dustmen,
• An Amazon Delivery Driver,
• The Window Cleaner,
• The men who cut our neighbours' grass
• A (very rude) man selling Double Glazing and
• Two Jehova's Witnesses.
Actually, it looked as though the Jehova's Witnesses were beginning to weaken in the face of his relentless sales pitch, but at the last minute they left without making a purchase. I think W's trying to convert them to Pastafarianism might have caused some offence.
IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson is VERY excited to have so many New Friends in:
🇵🇱 Poland,
🇺🇦 Ukraine,
🇺🇸 USA,
🇩🇪 Germany,
🇦🇪 United Arab Emirates,
🇹🇷 Turkey,
🇧🇪 Belgium,
🇫🇷 France and
🇰🇷 South Korea!
WELCOME TO YOU ALL, and please tell your friends!
Sales of V-Coins have been... well, disappointing.
Wilson's Projected Sales Figures suggested that by now he should have sold around 500 V-coins, but in fact total sales to date are in single figures.
Actually, the singlest figure there is: ONE. I felt sorry for him, so I bought one of his coins – it's not much, but W is quite pleased with the crisp new £10 note.
As for the Forecasting Faux Pas, he is blaming 'Computer Error' – I have always thought this was a euphemism for 'Operator Error', although I'm not an expert in these matters.
He told me that all I need to do now is put my framed photograph of a V-Coin somewhere safe, then sit back and wait for my V-Coin Holding to soar in value... and if it doesn't, I can always take my length of 'BlockChain' down to the Scrap Metal merchants on the Industrial Estate and convert it into hard, non-virtual cash.
He's putting a brave face on things – he says that it's still early days and he expects sales to pick up shortly.
__________________
Attention members of the WILSON VERMILINGUA APPRECIATION SOCIETY: I shall be asking you all an important question later, concerning the future of the Society. Please check the GROUP PAGE to see what this is all about!
Yesterday Wilson returned from the Hardware Store with some immensely strong chain and a length of thick rope.
He told me that they didn't have any BlockChain as such, but the assistant had recommended this steel chain as the next best thing, and he'd bought the rope just to be on the safe side – and because it smelled nice. He said he would be calling it BlockRope™®.
This morning he gathered everyone in the dining room for an pronouncement which would, he said, 'Totally banish Blue Monday'!
He handed out some Party Poppers and announced: 'I now declare the V-Coin well and truly launched!'
He nodded his head and (almost) everyone pulled their Party Popper strings and cheered.
TT – startled by the sudden noise – burst into tears and had to be taken outside by Polly.
Wilson cleared his throat and appealed for quiet, then declared that he was making an ICO*, or Initial Coin Offering whereby he will make available 100,000 V-Coins for just £10 (US$13.72 or €11.24) each.
Investors will receive:
• a framed image of a V-Coin
• a short length of BlockChain and
• a piece of BlockRope™®
in exchange for which Wilson will (eventually) receive £1M...
*I don't really know what ICO means, but Google confirms it is a thing.
Over breakfast, Wilson tried to convince me that Virtual Currencies are the way forward – apparently even failed photo giant KODAK is launching one, called the KodakCoin.
'In a year or two,' he said, 'you won't have old-fashioned, germ-ridden "real" money rubbing a hole in your pocket, or even easy-to-hack or -clone credit cards – you'll be using safe, clean and weightless E-Coins! My job is to ensure you're not using BitCoins or KodakCoins or some other inferior, fly-by-night upstart: you will be using V-Coins!'
He went on to (try to) explain to me how virtual currencies are protected against theft and fraud by something called the BlockChain – he was very earnest, and did sound as though he knew what he was talking about, but I'm afraid it all went way over my head.
(But please don't tell him this – I don't want him thinking I'm some kind of Luddite dummy.)
Anyway, he's just popped round to Green's DIY Hardware Store in the village to buy a length of BlockChain to secure his V-Coins in advance of his Official V-Coin Launch tomorrow...
