Then he glanced back over both his shoulders, leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, 'New Dad, in that song Robert de Niro's Waiting — is he a waiter here? 'Cos I'd like his autograph if he is.'
15/02/2017
ROBERT DE NIRO
Once our main courses had arrived — vegetarian Ravioli for W, Calzone for me (W was initially outraged, thinking I'd ordered Calamari) — Wilson began to outline the many and manifold reasons why mid February would be the ideal time for a seaside holiday: how the beaches wouldn't be crowded, hotels would be cheap, parking would be easy and there wouldn't be crowds of noisy, ill-behaved children shouting 'Ooh — look at that anteater!' and pointing rudely at him.
Then he glanced back over both his shoulders, leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, 'New Dad, in that song Robert de Niro's Waiting — is he a waiter here? 'Cos I'd like his autograph if he is.'
Then he glanced back over both his shoulders, leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, 'New Dad, in that song Robert de Niro's Waiting — is he a waiter here? 'Cos I'd like his autograph if he is.'
13/02/2017
EATING ITALIAN
As soon as we'd ordered our food, I took a deep breath and prepared myself to raise the thorny topic of Wilson's illegal FlyPosting, but before I could speak he surprised me by raising one paw and saying, 'It's alright, New Dad, you don't have to say anything — I know why you've brought me here.'
I began to think this difficult discussion might be a lot easier than I'd feared, but before I could say another word, W continued: 'It's about the holiday you promised me before Xmas, isn't it? Our holiday in Weston Super Market!'
I began to think this difficult discussion might be a lot easier than I'd feared, but before I could say another word, W continued: 'It's about the holiday you promised me before Xmas, isn't it? Our holiday in Weston Super Market!'
12/02/2017
CAR TALK
For the rest of the journey to the restaurant, Wilson chatted excitedly about the cars we'd just seen, extolling the special virtues of each one.
I expect he's imagining the sort of car he'd like to have when he gets older...
As we entered the restaurant, I straightened my back and steeled myself for the coming unpleasantness: NOTHING was going to stop me discussing W's illegal FlyPosting activities, and how they have to stop!
Wilson was cheerfully unaware of the coming confrontation, however, cheerfully humming Robert De Niro's Waiting, Talking Italian.
I expect he's imagining the sort of car he'd like to have when he gets older...
As we entered the restaurant, I straightened my back and steeled myself for the coming unpleasantness: NOTHING was going to stop me discussing W's illegal FlyPosting activities, and how they have to stop!
Wilson was cheerfully unaware of the coming confrontation, however, cheerfully humming Robert De Niro's Waiting, Talking Italian.
11/02/2017
EATING OUT
As I suggested, today I'm taking Wilson out for a nice meal to get him in a good mood... so I can break the news to him that his FlyPosting activities must cease.
We're going to an out-of-town restaurant to avoid the inevitable embarrassment when W offers to treat me and tries to pay with Uckfield Pounds!
On the way to the restaurant we passed a car dealership, and W asked whether we could stop to take a look round.
It wasn't quite dark yet, so I agreed — though I forbade him from speaking to any salesmen and utterly prohibited him from signing anything!
We're going to an out-of-town restaurant to avoid the inevitable embarrassment when W offers to treat me and tries to pay with Uckfield Pounds!
On the way to the restaurant we passed a car dealership, and W asked whether we could stop to take a look round.
It wasn't quite dark yet, so I agreed — though I forbade him from speaking to any salesmen and utterly prohibited him from signing anything!
10/02/2017
WELCOME HERE — NOT
I've already had a word with Wilson about FlyPosting, but this morning I learned that he'd been out again, sticking up Uckfield Pound Welcome Here stickers on local shop windows.
Over the weekend I think I'll take him out to a nice meal, then when he's in a good mood, sated with food and drink, I'll break it to him that it has got to stop.
In other news, I should like to apologise to the late Sir John Betjeman for the dreadful title of Wednesday's Blog Post. :(
Over the weekend I think I'll take him out to a nice meal, then when he's in a good mood, sated with food and drink, I'll break it to him that it has got to stop.
In other news, I should like to apologise to the late Sir John Betjeman for the dreadful title of Wednesday's Blog Post. :(
08/02/2017
SUMMONED BY YELLS
My shower was cut short this morning by Wilson standing outside the bathroom door yelling through the keyhole:
'New Dad! New Dad! Come quick! The ambulance is here! The iMac is back from iMac Hospital!'
Pulling on my bath robe I arrived downstairs in time to see Wilson shaking hands with the 'ambulance' driver and thanking him for returning our iMac so quickly, and for taking such good care of it.
While I signed the driver's receipt Wilson ran off to prepare his 'Welcome Home iMac' party.
Wilson and I would both like to thank the nice people at AppleCare and at AMSYS for taking such good and prompt care of our iMac!
TT's joke for today is:
'The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.'
Now that the iMac is home, we shouldn't be requiring TT's comedic services again for a while.
Thank goodness!
'New Dad! New Dad! Come quick! The ambulance is here! The iMac is back from iMac Hospital!'
Pulling on my bath robe I arrived downstairs in time to see Wilson shaking hands with the 'ambulance' driver and thanking him for returning our iMac so quickly, and for taking such good care of it.
While I signed the driver's receipt Wilson ran off to prepare his 'Welcome Home iMac' party.
Wilson and I would both like to thank the nice people at AppleCare and at AMSYS for taking such good and prompt care of our iMac!
TT's joke for today is:
'The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.'
Now that the iMac is home, we shouldn't be requiring TT's comedic services again for a while.
Thank goodness!
07/02/2017
TT’S JOKES — DAY 6
Uncle Zoltan has prepared a new CV or Resumé to support his appointment as Editor of Vogue UK.
He has said that he is a great Fashion Enthusiast, an admirer of Gok Wan, a regular viewer of "America's Next Top Model" and once lived in a nest in a sweatshop in London’s Rag Trade District in Brick Lane.
If that doesn't swing it for Uncle Z I don't know what will.
[He's putting a brave face on things, but basically, I think he's doomed. :( ]
I doubt he'll be greatly cheered by Tiny Toy’s Joke Of The Day:
’The Pen is Mightier than the Sword — and considerably easier to write with!’
STOP PRESS:
We've just had a phone call from the doctor who's been treating our iMac — she says it is now fully returned to health and will be coming home tomorrow! Yay!
Wilson is planning a party...
He has said that he is a great Fashion Enthusiast, an admirer of Gok Wan, a regular viewer of "America's Next Top Model" and once lived in a nest in a sweatshop in London’s Rag Trade District in Brick Lane.
If that doesn't swing it for Uncle Z I don't know what will.
[He's putting a brave face on things, but basically, I think he's doomed. :( ]
I doubt he'll be greatly cheered by Tiny Toy’s Joke Of The Day:
’The Pen is Mightier than the Sword — and considerably easier to write with!’
STOP PRESS:
We've just had a phone call from the doctor who's been treating our iMac — she says it is now fully returned to health and will be coming home tomorrow! Yay!
Wilson is planning a party...
06/02/2017
TT’S JOKES — DAY 5
Uncle Zoltan has heard from Vogue UK Magazine about his application to be Editor!
They have asked him to send a full CV (Resumé) because just saying ‘I need a good salary so I can afford to buy my own hive and escape this hell-hole' is apparently insufficient reason to appoint him to this prestigious position...
TT's joke for today:
'If a Police Dog is chasing you, try not to dive into a tunnel, then on to a see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!'
No news yet of our iMac…
They have asked him to send a full CV (Resumé) because just saying ‘I need a good salary so I can afford to buy my own hive and escape this hell-hole' is apparently insufficient reason to appoint him to this prestigious position...
TT's joke for today:
'If a Police Dog is chasing you, try not to dive into a tunnel, then on to a see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!'
No news yet of our iMac…
05/02/2017
TT’S JOKES — DAY 4
Wilson is dealing with his separation anxiety by comfort eating Belgian Buns.
In spite of their inherent richness, he prepares them in the way his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, taught him: he cuts the bun in half and covers each piece in slices of butter.
I wonder what they call Belgian Buns in Belgium? Or French Fancies in France? Or Brussels Sprouts in Brussels? Or… well, I expect you get the picture.
TT’s joke for today is:
“A dyslexic man walked into a bra…”
Which at least has the benefit of brevity.
In spite of their inherent richness, he prepares them in the way his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, taught him: he cuts the bun in half and covers each piece in slices of butter.
I wonder what they call Belgian Buns in Belgium? Or French Fancies in France? Or Brussels Sprouts in Brussels? Or… well, I expect you get the picture.
TT’s joke for today is:
“A dyslexic man walked into a bra…”
Which at least has the benefit of brevity.
04/02/2017
TT’S JOKES — DAY 3
Today’s joke from Tiny Toy is:
“Do you know what the greatest invention EVER is? It’s the Thermos Flask — it keeps hot drinks hot, and it keeps cold drinks cold, but… how does it know?”
Uncle Zoltan rather unkindly declared that this was the worst joke he’d EVER heard, and proceeded to tell an interminable story, interspersed with a lot of chuckling, about a hornet, a wasp and a yellow-jacket who went into a bar together…
Wilson has made a Get-Well-Soon card for our iMac and sent it off to:
The iMac Hospital,
Surrey,
England,
Europe (until we leave),
The World,
Earth,
The Solar System,
The Milky Way Galaxy.
“Do you know what the greatest invention EVER is? It’s the Thermos Flask — it keeps hot drinks hot, and it keeps cold drinks cold, but… how does it know?”
Uncle Zoltan rather unkindly declared that this was the worst joke he’d EVER heard, and proceeded to tell an interminable story, interspersed with a lot of chuckling, about a hornet, a wasp and a yellow-jacket who went into a bar together…
Wilson has made a Get-Well-Soon card for our iMac and sent it off to:
The iMac Hospital,
Surrey,
England,
Europe (until we leave),
The World,
Earth,
The Solar System,
The Milky Way Galaxy.
03/02/2017
TT’S JOKES — DAY 2
The iMac (let’s not argue about its ownership right now) was collected this morning and is on its way to the iMac Hospital in Surrey. I hope it’s olright and makes a v. swift recovery.
Anyway, here is another of Tiny Toy’s jokes:
“An onion told me a joke the other day. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry!”
Brave try, TT, but we’re all feeling the loss here at Chez New Dad…
Anyway, here is another of Tiny Toy’s jokes:
“An onion told me a joke the other day. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry!”
Brave try, TT, but we’re all feeling the loss here at Chez New Dad…
02/02/2017
TT'S DAILY JOKE
Wilson seems to have broken my iMac — or as he prefers to express the same event, I seem to have broken his iMac!
Whatever, the outcome is the same: the service company will be collecting it tomorrow and its repair will take 'three to five working days'
️
This means that there will be no Ant Wars posts for perhaps a week!
However, to keep everyone's spirits up, Tiny Toy has heroically offered to come up with a joke for every day the iMac is out of action!
Today TT's joke is:
"I came home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are!'"
Hmmm. 😕
In the meantime, if you're visiting, remember to use the side door because Uncle Zoltan is still in meltdown...
Whatever, the outcome is the same: the service company will be collecting it tomorrow and its repair will take 'three to five working days'
️
This means that there will be no Ant Wars posts for perhaps a week!
However, to keep everyone's spirits up, Tiny Toy has heroically offered to come up with a joke for every day the iMac is out of action!
Today TT's joke is:
"I came home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are!'"
Hmmm. 😕
In the meantime, if you're visiting, remember to use the side door because Uncle Zoltan is still in meltdown...
01/02/2017
MR ALBERT EINSTEIN
Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!
Today we had hoped to tell you about something very important which a very clever and wise man said about Bees. That wise and clever man was Mr Albert Einstein, and what he said is:
'If bees disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would have only four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.'
That's what we had hoped to tell you, but what we must actually tell you is that Uncle Zoltan seems to have gone rogue, and we've had to stop using the front door. If you come round, please use the door at the side of the house!
We've tried to enrol Uncle Z in an Anger Management programme, but you've no idea how difficult it is to get psychiatric help for hornets. Or insects in general, come to that.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month — until then, Beeeeee Happy!
PS What do you think of my new glasses? I think they look well cool, and Polly loves me in them! ❤️
Today we had hoped to tell you about something very important which a very clever and wise man said about Bees. That wise and clever man was Mr Albert Einstein, and what he said is:
'If bees disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would have only four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.'
That's what we had hoped to tell you, but what we must actually tell you is that Uncle Zoltan seems to have gone rogue, and we've had to stop using the front door. If you come round, please use the door at the side of the house!
We've tried to enrol Uncle Z in an Anger Management programme, but you've no idea how difficult it is to get psychiatric help for hornets. Or insects in general, come to that.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month — until then, Beeeeee Happy!
PS What do you think of my new glasses? I think they look well cool, and Polly loves me in them! ❤️
30/01/2017
HEY MR POSTMAN
Uncle Zoltan's relentless angry pacing up and down on the front door mat is making everyone uneasy — it's as tense in here as in the Big Brother House after Kim Woodburn went in!
When the postman finally called with a letter, Uncle Z fell on it, ripping it open before he realised with disgust that it had been addressed not to him but to 'That Anteater' as he refers to Wilson.
Matters are made even worse by W constantly humming 'Hey Mr Postman', 'Return To Sender', 'Lightning Strikes the Postman' — even the theme music from 'You've Got M@il'!
If it's his intention to wind Uncle Z up, it is most certainly working...
When the postman finally called with a letter, Uncle Z fell on it, ripping it open before he realised with disgust that it had been addressed not to him but to 'That Anteater' as he refers to Wilson.
Matters are made even worse by W constantly humming 'Hey Mr Postman', 'Return To Sender', 'Lightning Strikes the Postman' — even the theme music from 'You've Got M@il'!
If it's his intention to wind Uncle Z up, it is most certainly working...
29/01/2017
STICKERING
Wilson went out after dark last night putting up stickers reading UCKFIELD POUND WELCOME HERE on local shop windows.
If your shop has been stickered, please accept my apology, and know that the sticker can be easily removed with soapy water. I shall have a word with W about this later.
Uncle Zoltan has spent the whole day at the front door waiting for the postman to bring a reply to his application for the post of Editor of British Vogue, and railing about the appalling state of the Royal Mail.
This in spite of it being Sunday, when there are no deliveries.
No one is prepared to mention this to Uncle Z for fear of a good stinging!
If your shop has been stickered, please accept my apology, and know that the sticker can be easily removed with soapy water. I shall have a word with W about this later.
Uncle Zoltan has spent the whole day at the front door waiting for the postman to bring a reply to his application for the post of Editor of British Vogue, and railing about the appalling state of the Royal Mail.
This in spite of it being Sunday, when there are no deliveries.
No one is prepared to mention this to Uncle Z for fear of a good stinging!
28/01/2017
FEBRUARY 2017
Here, just in the nick of time, is the February page of your free 2017 Anteater Calendar.
Uncle Zoltan has been waiting anxiously by the front door all day for the postman to bring a reply to his job application for the post of Editor of UK Vogue magazine.
Wilson has told me he'll be popping out as soon as darkness falls to put up a few of his 'UCKFIELD POUND WELCOME HERE' stickers on the windows of local shops.
So, just another normal day in Uckfield...
Oh, Wilson has just reminded me: members of the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society Facebook Group will receive a small* FREE GIFT later today!
*Really, very small. Almost undetectable.
Uncle Zoltan has been waiting anxiously by the front door all day for the postman to bring a reply to his job application for the post of Editor of UK Vogue magazine.
Wilson has told me he'll be popping out as soon as darkness falls to put up a few of his 'UCKFIELD POUND WELCOME HERE' stickers on the windows of local shops.
So, just another normal day in Uckfield...
Oh, Wilson has just reminded me: members of the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society Facebook Group will receive a small* FREE GIFT later today!
*Really, very small. Almost undetectable.
27/01/2017
VOGUE MAGAZINE
Following the fashion advice he gave me a couple of days ago, Uncle Zoltan is applying to be Editor of English Vogue Magazine, now that the position has become vacant.
In other news, one or two* people have reported problems spending their Uckfield Pounds — apparently a few local traders are reluctant to accept the U£ as legal currency, and the rest say they don't even know what the U£ is.
In response, Wilson has designed a handy and eyecatching "Uckfield £ Welcome Here" sticker that local shopkeepers can put in their windows.
Also, don't worry if you're waiting for February's page of your 2017 Anteater Calendar — Wilson has assured me that it will be ready 'soon'.
*Everyone
In other news, one or two* people have reported problems spending their Uckfield Pounds — apparently a few local traders are reluctant to accept the U£ as legal currency, and the rest say they don't even know what the U£ is.
In response, Wilson has designed a handy and eyecatching "Uckfield £ Welcome Here" sticker that local shopkeepers can put in their windows.
Also, don't worry if you're waiting for February's page of your 2017 Anteater Calendar — Wilson has assured me that it will be ready 'soon'.
*Everyone
25/01/2017
FASHION ADVICE
Just as I was settling down to breakfast this morning, I was surprised by the arrival of Uncle Zoltan, looking like a miniature Gok Wan.
He told me he'd been thinking about what he called my 'look and feel' or expérience d'utilisateur as he put it, which he considered would be greatly enhanced if I upgraded my Designer Stubble to a full Hipster Beard. This, he said, would transform me into a total Babe-magnet!
Tempting as this idea is, the day has not yet dawned when I take fashion advice from a misanthropic hornet... although, he does look rather dashing in that top hat of his — and I think I could really work a topper!
Hmmm... thinking about it, maybe he said 'Bee-magnet', not Babe-magnet...
He told me he'd been thinking about what he called my 'look and feel' or expérience d'utilisateur as he put it, which he considered would be greatly enhanced if I upgraded my Designer Stubble to a full Hipster Beard. This, he said, would transform me into a total Babe-magnet!
Tempting as this idea is, the day has not yet dawned when I take fashion advice from a misanthropic hornet... although, he does look rather dashing in that top hat of his — and I think I could really work a topper!
Hmmm... thinking about it, maybe he said 'Bee-magnet', not Babe-magnet...
23/01/2017
SPECS APPEAL
In the event, Billi was WAY too excited to wait until 1 Feb to show you her new glasses.
Here you can see her checking out her new look for increased gravitas and erudition, while Polly gazes at her lovingly...
Here you can see her checking out her new look for increased gravitas and erudition, while Polly gazes at her lovingly...
22/01/2017
FREE MONEY FOR YOU!
As you may have guessed, it was Billi's new glasses that arrived yesterday — but she has announced that, although she has tried them on, she won't be revealing them to an eagerly waiting world until the next Bees' Blog on 1 February.
Having never before seen a bee wearing glasses I was a bit disappointed, although I do appreciate that when one starts wearing spectacles for the first time, one will naturally feel quite self-conscious.
Meanwhile, Wilson has what he describes as a 'MASSIVE FREE GIFT' for everyone: FREE MONEY!
Here is a sheet of his local currency, Uckfield Pounds, which he says you can print out and spend, 'just to kick-start the banknotes and ensure their popularity.'
His only stipulation is that you shouldn't print more than U£180 (two sheets) lest you start an inflationary spiral and the notes become devalued, thereby wrecking the local economy.
There you go, then: U£180 FREE for you to spend in Uckfield's local shops.
If you can find any shops that will accept them...
Having never before seen a bee wearing glasses I was a bit disappointed, although I do appreciate that when one starts wearing spectacles for the first time, one will naturally feel quite self-conscious.
Meanwhile, Wilson has what he describes as a 'MASSIVE FREE GIFT' for everyone: FREE MONEY!
Here is a sheet of his local currency, Uckfield Pounds, which he says you can print out and spend, 'just to kick-start the banknotes and ensure their popularity.'
His only stipulation is that you shouldn't print more than U£180 (two sheets) lest you start an inflationary spiral and the notes become devalued, thereby wrecking the local economy.
There you go, then: U£180 FREE for you to spend in Uckfield's local shops.
If you can find any shops that will accept them...
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